We think we've got forever to do, say, and give the things we want. When the truth is tomorrow or even all of today isn't gauranteed to us. After I got sick in 2009 I started to realize how precious my life is. How fragile and unexpected life is. It made me live more. It made me try harder. It made me braver. It made me kinder. It continues to make me wiser. Life is only going to be as good as you make it, as good as you choose for it to be. So my wish and hope is that you have no regrets. No skeletons in your closet. No unsaid words that live on in your heart. No I wish I dids. Just no regrets that leave you in an ocean of wonder of what could have been if only I'd said this, done that, given...

Last night a few friends and I had another goodbye dinner for a friend leaving for the States. On my way home I saw this old man trying to put this huge tv on his cart while everyone just passed by him. Even I walked past him looking at him but then I stopped. I turned around, walked back and told him let's do it together. He smiled in thanks and a bit of surprise. The two of us lifted that heavy tv onto his cart. I smiled at him, and he thanked me, and I went to my apartment. I knew I had done the right thing. It didn't take much time from my life to help him out. It wasn't just the right thing to do, it was the kind thing to do. That's the kind of person I want to always be. Someone who gives not because she has to but because it is the kind and right thing to do.

This morning I called my family to wish my Big Mummy and my cousin a happy birthday. I called my Big Mummy first, and it felt so good to take some time to make her laugh and smile. To let her know even through the distance I remembered her day. As I talked to her I realized how important it is to do little things like this. To take or make time in our days to let the people in our lives know how much we love them, how knowing them makes life so much better. After, I called my cousin, he's been my big brother since we were kids. When I called his voice sounded so sad, and I found out that a good friend of his had died the night before. I'd met the friend a few times, he was a great guy. Even now I can't help but smile when I think about him. He was so full of laughter, and was always smiling. He was so kind, funny, and sweet. Now he's gone, and all we have are those beautiful memories of him.

I had talked to my cousin a few hours before I called this second time, and it never ceases to amaze me how delicate time is. In a few hours everything changed. Sadness overtook happiness for his birthday. Now we are all a little quieter, and a little wiser of how precious our time is. My cousin said to me, "he kept in touch with his friend but he should have done more." I told him that I'm sure he knew he was loved by him, and that now he has the chance to do more, love more, and be there for the people in his life. His wife, his friends, his soon to be child.

Death is a reminder of not we lossed but what we have. That we should cherish them, and not take them for granted. That we need to make time even when we feel like there is none to give. We should give more than we take. Say the words in our hearts instead of ignoring them. Take chances and risks because you never know until you try. We must live genuine and good lives because this one is all we have. So live it splendidly. Live it kindly. Live it well. Let peace be in your soul and laughter in your heart. Don't waste time not doing the things you love, not being with the person you love, and please don't waste time with grudges. Let those old wounds heal. Let those scars fade away. Time is such a blessing, be thankful for it! Your time won't last forever. So please, enjoy the time you have. Love deeply. Dream without limits. Live genuinely. Laugh often. Always smile. Give more. Be kind. More than anything let the people in your life know you love them.

Make someone's day. It's not the big moments that count it is the little ones. Those little slips of time we share laughing over coffee, debating tv shows, embracing in a warm hug, giggling about love, talking on Skype about our lives, and especially saying and showing  "I love you!!!!" Those moments of togetherness in even the smallest ways have such a large place in a person's heart.

So call someone up, tell them how awesome and loved they are. Spend time with someone you love; a friend, a lover, a family member. Don't just make today different, make all the tomorrows different as well. Don't have regrets, and don't ever feel like you should have said more, done more, or given more. Do it now. Say it now. Give it now. Now is what we have, please use it wisely.

We will miss you friend, but I know you are smiling and laughing down on us. Another guardian angel to watch over us. Thank you for the laughter and the smiles! Thank you for even the little moments of time we shared together. I smile when I think of you because I see your big, warm, and welcoming smile in my memories. Rest in heavenly peace. You are missed, and you are so very loved!!!! Always be blessed.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

As always hello my wonderful readers! I hope that life has been treating you with kindness. I've got two days left here in Arizona, and I am so sad about leaving. I just know saying goodbye to my family and friends here is going to make me cry. I leave Saturday morning, and I am just wishing I had a few more days to spend with all the people I love here.

When I was coming back I didn't realize I would love being home so much. I felt like I had outgrown my life here, but coming back made me appreciate what I have here, who I have here. My family and my friends here have been by my side through so much, and this year away is going to be a lot harder than the first one. I'm still going, but my once light heart is now heavy when I think about another year before I get to see them, hug them, share my life with them. *Sigh* I just really don't want to end up crying at the airport on Saturday but I feel like I will. This place, these people are my home. They've always been, and it took leaving them behind to come back again. I know this year will be even sweeter because I know I won't stay longer in Korea. After this year I will return to my home, to my family, to my friends, and start new chapters in my story.

I'm excited for my future. For this second year of growth in Korea, the memories I will have, the friends I will enjoy, and for all the years of discovery that come after these Seoul chapters end. Everyone here has talked about how happy I look, and it is true. I am happy. Not just because I went abroad for a year. I am happy with the young woman I am right now. This 23 year old me amazes me with the strength and will power she has to overcome, to discover, to try. I'm so happy and proud of myself. There truly is beauty, happiness, and freedom in being yourself and letting yourself discover, explore, and create who you are. To know that only you can define that, and only you can change that. Only you can be the author of your life.

Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror and the smile on my face amazes me. This is what living is. This is what being alive feels like. Sincere, honest, and genuine effort. That is how I try to live my life. 2010 was my year to grow, and now 2011 is my year to bloom, and already my rainbow of colors is stretching across this world. I'm looking forward to more adventures, challenges, and discoveries this year. When I first came to Korea it was to get away for a bit and become my own person. To be the only voice guiding me along this journey of life. To figure out who I am and who I want to be. I know who I am and I know who I want to be, where I want to be, and what I want in my future.

This peace and clarity inside of me about this second year, and all the chapters to follow fills me up with joy. When I came home I prayed for answers to what my future would look like, and I got enough to start forming an image of what lays ahead for me. I'm excited to work towards that bright and happy future. I'm excited to make my dreams come true. I'm excited to learn, to grow, to try, to live my life with enthusiasm and a lot of heart. 

I'm so thankful for the people in my life who have all had a hand in getting me this far, and I know they will be at my side as I go even farther into my journey of life. I really am blessed with an amazing family, and friends who are family to me. I'm thankful to all the people who've made the past three weeks wonderful. All the memories, laughter, stories, love, and time they've given me will be saved inside of me for those moments when I really miss them. I have a feeling the first month back is going to be rough. I'm going to be very homesick, and to make matters sadder, I'll have to say goodbye to friends who are heading back home, or continuing their journey somewhere else. Instead of saying goodbye, I will just say "see you later!" I'm going to miss them, but I know the times we shared won't disappear because they'll be the memories we carry with us everywhere we go.

I'm very thankful for all the love, blessings, and amazing moments I've had these past three weeks. I'm going to make the most out of my last 2 days here, and when I do leave I'll do my best to smile and not cry. It feels like Seoul was a dream I dreamed long ago. I realize now that home is here, it always has been. I left in order to come back and realize that all along this was where I belonged. I know this year is going to be amazing. It's going to be a year of triumph, laughter, and lots of fun. I'm going to make it that way. I'm going to keep living my life and forging my future with each present day.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

As always hello everyone! I hope that life has been very kind to you so far in the New Year! I'm back in Phoenix, Arizona:)! I got back Friday night, and the jet lag is still messing with me.

Okay, so I ended up packing at the last minute, because I fell asleep on Thursday night. I woke up Friday around 4AM and just got all the packing, cleaning, and last minute errands done. So I ended up having to bring 2 luggages, a carry-on, and my backpack because all the souvenirs and things I wanted to bring back for good wouldn't fit into one. Oh, the consequences of being a shopaholic! All my friends who lived by me were working so I had no help to the bus stop to take the airport bus. I took a purse strap tied the carry-on to one luggage and rolled everything to the bus stop by myself. People kept staring at me, it would have been great if they offered me some help! I got to the airport around 4 PM and found out my flight would be leaving at 6 PM instead of 6:20, great news for me! The earlier I leave the better.


I went through security with no problems, boarded the plane, and that is when things started to go wrong and weird. I requested an aisle seat. They put me in a middle seat. I always need to sit in the aisle. I hate flying, too many people in a small space. It makes me extremely anxious to be stuck between people, especially if I don't know them. Well I sat down, and the guy who was in the window seat started talking to me a mile a minute, and asking weird questions. He gave me bad vibes, so I asked the attendant if an aisle seat became available could I change my seat? She told me the flight was full, so it was unlikely. I just said to her, if one does become available please give it to me. Not to mention my row was by the bathrooms which just made it even less appealing. Middle seat, creepy guy, and bathrooms. No, No, and NO!

The guy who had the aisle seat came and sat down. I noticed an empty seat in front of me in the exit row, it was a window but with plenty of leg space so I was going to sit there. He asked me what was up, because he saw me looking so anxious and I told him I hate sitting in the middle. Aisle guy was really nice, and said he'd trade seats with me. The guy was like 6'3 so I felt bad and asked him if he was sure. He said no problem. Great! Then the creepy window guy said he'd take the exit row seat. Even better. So aisle guy became window guy, and  I got my aisle seat, with no one in the middle. Perfect! The only problem for the next 10 hours was creepy guy. He stared at me so often it made me really uncomfortable. He would keep turning around to glance at me, and then get up to get something out of the overhead bin above me over and over. He just made me really freaked out.

I will probably never fly again without using Korean Air or Asiana. It is worth the money for a more comfortable journey. This flight had no individual screens to choose what you want to watch, and so I was dying of boredom the whole time. For some reason I thought it would be the same as when I first traveled to SK, so I hadn't prepared anything. I got to San Fransisco in one piece. I went through immigration and then I went to get my luggage to go through customs. I was trying to pull my luggage but there were too many luggages under mine and I cut my pinky finger. At first it seemed to not be a big deal, but then so much blood started coming out. I had nothing but wet wipes so I wrapped my finger, got my other luggage, and went to customs. The security guy could tell something was wrong. I'm pretty sure I looked like I was going to cry, because that is how I felt. He took me to another security guy who bandaged me up, the cut was pretty deep and painful. He also let me take a shortcut out.

After, I rechecked my luggage, went through security again, and made it to my gate almost two hours later. Seriously, you have to have a layover coming into the US. Immigration and customs takes so much time. I had about two hours before my next flight so I just watched Grey's Anatomy and skyped my family. The second flight I got my aisle seat, and the only bad thing was the crazy turbulence we went through. I arrived in Phoenix the same time I left Seoul. Time differences are such a mind trip. I got to baggage claim, and all of a sudden my brother was behind me. I was so happy to see him. I kept hugging him over and over. It felt and still feels like I am awake in a dream right now. Somethings are different, and somethings are the same. It feels a bit alien to me because I've been out of the loop.

My brother and I got my luggage and headed to my mom waiting in the car. Wow! My mom was looking so beautiful. I couldn't stop staring at her. I was so happy to see her. It was a great moment. Phoenix is so hot right now. I packed all the wrong stuff. You can even wear shorts if you wanted to. As we drove on the highway  to my mom's house I had that feeling of returning to home. I think no matter where I go AZ will always be where home is. It's so beautiful here. The sky is beyond lovely. The air is fresh and clean. The roads open and not filled with people or cars. There is room to breathe, to be, to think. I've missed home. I've missed these open spaces. I've missed my family and friends. It feels good to be home. Although the time is short, even being here for one moment, is a moment that counts.

There are a lot of people I need to see, and places I need to go to while I'm here. I want to make the most out of my days. I cannot wait to drive my car. Hopefully tomorrow. The only thing I miss is the stillness and solitude of having my own space. Right now everyone is sleeping so I have a moment to catch my breathe, and put my thoughts down. I feel different. I have to ask myself, is this for real? Am I really here? It's as if my vision is blurry and my head is filled with clouds. I'm kind of floating around in this waking dream.

I'm happy to be back. To be here. To eat my grandma's cooking. See my mom's gorgeous smile. Look at my little brother living on his own. Just seeing them in their element, living their lives it makes my heart feel happy, feel peace. It just feels good to see all the people who mean so much to me, who have been there with me through everything, who continue to be my reasons for making my life something wonderful. This is home to me. Not a state, not a city, not a house. Home is people I love. It will always be found in them no matter where I go or they go. When I'm with them, I am at home. It feels great to be home!!!

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

As always hello my lovely readers.

It's about 4 minutes to midnight and I am still awake:(! I've been trying to sort my  clothes, purses, etc to bring home as well as the souvenirs I bought for my family and friends back home. Money is just pouring out of my wallet and not in a good way. I bought my plane the weekend after New Years for about $1,500. It was an okay deal compared to the $2,00+ tickets I had been seeing. The only downside is 3-4 hour layovers going to AZ and coming back to Seoul. I guess I can catch up on my reading during that time.

So what's new?
I went to Yongpyong ski resort for the New Year. Brought in 2011 with good friends, fireworks, and lots of cold and snow:)! It was a nice first weekend of the New Year. I attempted to ski for the first time. My good friend was my coach,  and I am really thankful to him for how patient he was with teaching not only me but two other friends. Skiing is fun, but scary. The speed freaks me out, even on the bunny slopes. My friends and I fell every time we'd get off the lift, much to our embarrassment. It was really beautiful. All the mountains and snow, a very lovely weekend minus the long bus rides there and back. Lots of good company, board games, junk food, and laughter.

Besides that nothing major. I bought my ticket home. Been doing Winter camp, and thankfully there is only three days left of it. I cannot believe I'll be heading home Friday night. It feels weird. I feel weird, but good about going home for 3 weeks. It will be a blur though. So much to eat, so many people and babies to see, and lots of places I want to go. I'm crossing my fingers I can drive my car while I'm there. That would be great.

I had an epic fall last Thursday. I was walking out of my apartment. Really happy, on my way to meet my tutor friend. I was listening to music and all of a sudden I could feel myself slipping and I tried to catch myself but I landed on all fours. People just stared, I wanted to cry because my knees hurt so bad. I limped to the bus with bruised knees, and the ruined gloves my sister sent me. Then I got on the bus, and halfway through I realized I didn't have my Korean study materials. I had left them at home. I was so frustrated, but you know what everything turned out great.

We skipped the tutor session and headed to Insadong to buy souvenirs for my family and friends back home. Then we ate delicious 순두부, got some yummy Starbucks, and just had a really good time. I was so thankful to her for spending all afternoon and night helping me out. Such a good friend. Besides that I went to a Changall exhibition at the Seoul Museum of Art but it was too crowded to enjoy it. I went to Tomatillo for the first time too that night. Very similar to Chipotle. I ran into a fellow blogger who does really informative youtube videos of places he travels to mostly in Korea but other places too. I always remember faces which is why I recognized him. Haha...I kept on looking at him, he's really tall! I thought to myself I've seen him before. Oh, yeah! Youtube:)! Good times:)

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the Immigration office to extend my visa for next year. Then I'm going to pack, hopefully upload the mega amount of photos I have, and do some cooking.  Thursday we are going to some English camp in Paju with our winter camp kids. I'm in charge of the 4th-5th graders. My favorite bunch! I've got a very laid back, nothing special kind of week left. I'm trying not to dread the long journey home, but I get so anxious in airports and airplanes. When I came to Korea I had to use my inhaler because I was so anxious and couldn't breathe properly. I don't have that same nervousness so hopefully no panic or asthma attacks for me Got to remain optimistic. I've got a lot of people waiting for me, and I cannot wait to give them hugs and listen to their stories of the past year. I'll be home soon. I cannot wait to see you all!! 

Time to go to bed. Have a great Tuesday everyone, and again I wish you all a very Happy 2011.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Great drama! Great song! Hyun Bin!!!

I never understand what causes these bouts of homesickness I get. Maybe it's because I haven't been feeling well. Or that I keep thinking about my mom througout my day. Or that I really wish I could see my best friend and hug her. I'm going home in January for a few weeks, and it's a bittersweet feeling. I have so many people I want to see and spend time with, but the time I have won't be enough. I worry that I won't want to leave them for another year.

I'm sitting in my apartment in the dark with only the glow of my computer screen the only light and I miss home. I want to call my mom. Talking to my mom is like the best medicine for my soul. She just makes it better, period. We could be talking about mundane things  but hearing her voice and her laugh just brings me back to earth. I miss her. I cannot wait to see her in January and have her hold me. Just be together. I can't wait to see how much my baby brother has grown up. See his apartment. Stalk him at school:)! I cannot wait to see my sister, and just be together. Shopping, eating, talking. I cannot wait to spend some time with my best friend. Lately, I've been missing her more than usual, and am really thankful for her. I cannot wait to see my two dearest friends and their baby girls. So many beautiful babies to see. I can't wait for a DABA reunion. So many little things I can't wait for. Which is why my school needs to tell me asap when camp is so I can book my flight and make this trip home legit. I'm excited to see them, hug them, be with them for however many days we get. I'm looking forward to being around the people who keep me rooted in this world. Today I miss them more tha usual, so I feel a bit sad inside my heart. I don't know why I get like this, so emotional, but for some reason today I just miss what I had. I miss my home, my people, my...IDK I just miss everything.

Maybe it's the weather, or just my moody self. Whatever the reason, I'm in a funky mood, so I am going to watch Glee and try to cheer up. I guess being alone isn't the best thing when I'm homesick but I really don't want to go outside in this weather and try to meet up with people. Everyone is sleeping back home so I can't call them. Damn time difference. I've got tomorrow off, and I plan to make the most of my day. I'm going to enjoy every second of it.

"Even Now" by Dashboard Confessional
Even now I can feel your eyes

Watch me as I strum
Much too late at night
Even now I can see you smile
I can hear you hum
I can hear you sing
And I always can find you again
Even in the dark of night
Even in the lowest light
Even as the world outside
Is spinning, and spinning




Be blessed.
~Lola O.~

It's 8:47 AM, I've got about half an hour before I have to head to school for the second day of Summer Camp. I'm dreading having to go there, and act like everything is okay. Like I am okay. I haven't had time to absorb or process what has happened and I am so mentally exhausted right now. I feel heavy, I feel like if someone poked me even just a little bit I would fall over and not get back up. I would just sink, into what I don't know. I just need time, I need time to cry, remember him, and come to terms with what happened. I just can't fathom that this is for real. I walk around in a daze and sometimes I remember he's gone and I just cry because it is so unthinkable to me that he isn't alive. I just cannot believe it.

I woke up yesterday, and decided to wear black. If I can't go home and mourn my loss with the people who loved him like I did, then I will mourn him in my own way here. The idea of wearing something with color makes me feel like I am going to throw up so I've been wearing black, and I will wear it till Sunday after his funeral which is Saturday AZ time. I cannot believe I will not be there to say farewell to the man who has loved me like his own for the past 10 years. I feel so alone right now. I gave my brother a letter, so hopefully it will be read there in place of me. I am thankful for my friends here who have embraced me, but it's not the same. They didn't know him, they didn't love him, no one here understands the sadness I feel right now. It's like someone took a knife and stabbed me in my heart. It is so painful that sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.

I can't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I just think of him more, of how his voice sounded. The memory that sticks out the most is when I was sick and in the hospital last August. He was one of the first people there. I remember him at my side holding my hand, and whiping away all the tears from my face. Telling me it will be okay, I'll be okay, that I just need to rest. I remember the comfort he gave me, and it hurts that I wasn't there to do the same. I just keep thinking about all the nevers. All the things he'll never see me achieve or be a part of of. I cry when I think about him not being there when I get married. He's the person who would ahve been at my side along with my mom walking me down the aisle. I'm just so sad, and I don't know how my heart can take all the sadness I feel right now.

I need my mom. I lay in bed and think about being home and laying down in her bed and having her hold me, and then I open my eyes and it's just me here alone. Mourning someone you love by yourself is so depressing and sad. Everyone who loved him is back home getting through this together, me I'm here and I don't have anyone to cry with or remember him with.

Yesterday, I got out of school and I rode the bus home but when it got to my stop I didn't get off. I just wasn't ready to go home, but I didn't have a place I wanted to go to so I stayed on the bus. 3O minutes became 1 hour, 1 hour became 2 hours. I finally got off not knowing where I was just dazed, and I knew I was thirsty so I saw a family mart and got something to drink. Then I took the bus back home, falling asleep on the way, when I finally got home I fell asleep on the couch woke up around midnight and went to sleep on my bed. I slept and slept but why am I so tired. I just feel numb and heavy. I just miss him, and feel like I'm going to forget him.

At this moment I miss home, I miss my mom, I miss what I know. I miss my people. I miss him.

Today I woke up at 8:33 AM. I'm supposed to be at school at 8:40 AM. I texted my co-teacher I'd be in by 9:00 AM. I got in at 9:05 AM. On the way to school, I was feeling so frustrated and stressed for not waking up in time, and berating myself for not having an alarm clock. Then this baby smiled at me, and made me realize that life goes on. Things happen but we can still smile, laugh, cry, we can still live. I  got to school and sat down trying to get myself together. I didn't get a chance to eat my yogurt, because I left my spoon at home. I turned on my computer to upload a file from my co-teacher. I decided to check my facebook.

My cousin's status was saying something about how we'd miss you daddy, but we know you are in a better place. I was freaked out by it, and commented on whether something had happened afraid to see what in my heart I already figured out. I saw she was online, but I was too afraid to ask her, because I didn't want it to be true. I was already crying before I finally messaged her and asked if what I was thinking was true, and she told me that yes, her father had died the day before. I couldn't believe it, and I couldn't stop the tears that followed. I asked her how, when, because this was so sudden and unexpected, and just not fair. She told me what happened, and I just feel so numb now. With my tears running down my face I told my co-teacher I had to leave now, and she took me down to the principal to take the day off for sick leave. She was telling me to calm down, and that made me mad. How could I calm down?

I told her I just needed to call my mom, and that I would see her tomorrow for summer camp. I couldn't stop crying as I walked down to the bus stop, and I cried on the bus, a Korean song called "Like Being Hit By A Bullet" in English came on which was so ironic that it made me cry even more, and I cried as I walked to my apartment. I shakingly got on skype to call my mom, I just needed to hear it from her, I needed to talk to her, I just needed my mom. She didn't pick up. I dialed again, voicemail again. So I called the next best person, my sister. She didn't pick up. I called again, she didn't pick up. Finally on the third try she picked up and then told me she needed me to call her back in 15 minutes. I thought to myself that she must be crazy, and screamed at her doesn't she know what happened? She said what happened, and I told her Big Daddy is dead, as I cried unable to hold back. She tried to calm me down, and tell me to breathe, but how can I breathe when someone just stabbed me in my heart?

She just kept saying I'm so sorry, and I told her why is she saying she is sorry to me, when she also lost him. She said to me, because you were closer to him. She tried to make me feel better, but right now I just feel numb and funny inside. Wishing this was a lie, but knowing it is clearly the truth. She told me to write, and I wanted to fight that, but I know I need to write so that I can breathe again. So that I can think again. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with someone I love not existing anymore. I'm scared of death, and even though I know and believe he is in a better place that doesn't mean I don't miss him or that I don't want him back here with me. I didn't even get to say goodbye. No one even told me he was sick. No one told me anything. I feel so guilty for not calling him since I've been here. Like a fool I always expected him to be around. How foolish I was, and now I'll live with that regret.

I didn't even take a moment to call him and tell him how I'm doing and I will forever regret my carelessness. I didn't get to say goodbye, or tell him how much I love him, or tell him that he's been a father to me from the moment I met him when I was 12. I didn't get to tell him, that I love him sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I know he knew but I wish I had been able to tell him one last time how much he meant to me. God, I really took him for granted thinking he'd be around forever, my magnanimous Big Daddy, who towered over me with his height. I really took him for granted and now he is gone and I just don't know what to do, think, or feel. I want to cry, but the tears won't flow. I want to sleep, but I'm scared to close my eyes. I want to fly back home, but I know I can't, and I know he wouldn't have wanted me to. My cousin said I know what I need to do to say goodbye, but the thing is that I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to let him go. He's been a father to me for the past 10 years of my life. He's treated me like his own daughter, and I am going to miss his hug and his love, and our talks. I'm going to miss his wisdom, his smiling face and gray hairs with those glasses he always wears. I'm going to miss having him there when I come back home. I'm just going to miss everything, and I don't know how to let him go.

My father hasn't been around since I was 7, and in the years since then he's been in and out, but he's never been a real father to me. When I was 12 years old we moved to Arizona and that is when I met Mr. Oludiji aka my precious and wonderful Big Daddy. He became a father to me from the moment I met him. He's been a soothing and constant presence in my life ever since, and I took him/that for granted. God, I hope he knew how much I loved him. I hope he knew how important he was in shaping the person I am now. I hope he knew how much he meant to me. I hope he knew... I used to say to him, that if he had has a son I would have married him if he was just like you. Big Daddy was everything a father should be, everything a good man should be. He was so gentle and caring, and I just loved being around him. I loved being hugged by him. I loved our chats. I'd come to his house, and we would just sit there and talk about life, God, dreams, and everything. I could always talk to him, he showed me what it meant to have a father and now he is gone. He's been there for every important moment since I was 12, he was there for my high school annd college graduations, and has supported me the whole time. He'd come to our house to dissolve arguments, he'd just be there for us in everyway and now he's gone.

I remember the last time I saw him, it was a few days before I left for Korea. I went to his house to say my goodbyes. When everyone was doubting me coming to Korea, he always believed in me and supported my dream of coming here. We sat around the big island in the kitchen and talked about Korea, and my worries and hopes. I remember him telling me not to worry, to trust that everything would be okay, and to focus on living my own life, and following my dreams. I remember him smiling, and I remember thinking how old he was getting, but he was still that same wise man. That same soothing voice of reason in my life. I hugged him tightly, and told him I'd see him when I get back, and now I won't get to see him, and that hurts. That hurts.

I'm not ready to say goodbye Big Daddy, not like this, not this way, not when I'm not home or there to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you. I know you know, but how I wish I got to tell you one last time. My sister said for me to pray, and so I will write my prayer down here to remember you.

Dear Big Daddy,

I love you. I love you the way a daughter loves her father. I love you for taking me as your own and loving me like I was yours. I love you, I love you, I love you beyond those three words. I'm so sad right now, and I know you wouldn't want me to cry, but you know I've always been the emotional one. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring enough to teach me, and give me pieces of your wisdom over the past ten years of my life. There are no words that I can say or write that will convey the meaning of you to me. I just hope that up there in heaven you look down on me, and can see the place you have in my heart. I know you'll keep watching over me as you have done for the last ten years of my life. I know that you are resting in heavenly peace because no one deserves it like you do. I know you are smiling down on all of us, and will be our gaurdian angel. I'm sad, but I'm going to keep smiling, and living out my dreams because that is what you would have wanted me to do.

I love you dad, I love you so much. Thank you for being the father I always wanted and needed. Thank you so much for all the love and care you've shown me. I just hope that you know how much I love you. I hope that you knew how much you mean to me. I didn't get to hug or kiss you, or tell you I love you one last time, but I know you knew even without me being there. Don't worry about me, I'll keep working hard. I'll keep living well, and I'll make sure I don't stress like you told me to. I'll remember all of your wisdom, and I won't let you down. Thank you from every part of me for being in my life. I love you my dearest Big Daddy. Keep looking out for me from way up there. I know your hand will keep guiding me, and your voice will keep soothing me for all my life. I love you, I love you, I love you. I don't want to think of this as goodbye, so I'll just say see you later Big Daddy!

With every love,
Your daughter...

One days when I need a pick me up I wear red. It makes me feel energized, powerful, and ready to take on the day. Today is one of those days. I wore red converses to school, a red watch, and a red scarf. It makes me feel better/stronger and that is what I need right now. This week has been stressful for so many reasons. My grandma, having another open class on Friday, the sudden insaneness of lesson planning for my after school program, and English camp, the crappy weather, and the pangs of homesickness.

I woke up this morning on my couch. The last thing I remember was laying down there around 8PM telling myself I would get up in a little bit and eat dinner. Yeah, I woke up this morning with barely enough time to make it to school. Sleeping has always been my coping mechanism for stress. It's the most peaceful way to unwind, but it gets in the way of productivity. I've been mentally exhausted all week and I am just telling myself to hang in there till Friday. I'm really thankful for my students this week, they've been the least stressful part of my days so far. They've made me laugh and get out of my funk at least during school hours.

I was thinking though why am I so stressed? Yes, there are things happening that are out of my control, but I can choose how to react to it. Made me think about that saying that life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. I can't say I'm great, or that I even feel okay, but I know I will make it through. I'm going to choose to be positive and belief that everything will work out. I'm going to choose to be positive and trust in my Grandma to pull through and make a full recovery. She's still in the hospital for now. I'm going to choose to do my best as a teacher and not let all the craziness get to me. I'm going to choose to take a step back, and breathe. Just breathe in and out, and believe that when its time all the pieces will fall into place. I'm going to choose to smile, laugh, believe, and just be positive because the alternative isn't going to help me. If I think about everything too much then I just start to feel sick, and I know that me getting sick from worrying isn't going to help anyone.

I was talking to my Aunt about how I feel bad for not being there for so many reasons. Wondering if I was there to help take care of my cousins, and things at home if this wouldn't have happened. My Aunt said to me that I also have my own life to live. My grandma and I are a lot of like, we want to take care of everyone and everything we love. We put them before ourselves, because we feel secondary to them. I just want her to focus on herself, on her health, on living for many many more years. So that she can see all of us living well. She is the only grandparent I've had the privilege of knowing. It's nice being someone's grand daughter and having that special relationship. She's taught me a lot about patience, love, and family. We would sit around the dining table and just talk, she always treats me like I am an adult and it's wonderful hearing her stories. It's something between us two, that I love having. I'm worried about my mom and what she must be feeling/ going through right now. I wish I could give her a big hug, and just be there supporting her. I've always been that way. When people I love are in pain, I'm in pain too. Like a sponge soaking up their feelings, wishing I could carry their burdens..

I'm not going to give in to sad thoughts or negativity. My grandma and mom have always taught me to be strong in the face of trials and that is what I am going to do, for myself and my family. I'm going to be strong, and when I feel weak I won't hold it in anymore. I'll reach out to someone to be strong for me. I'm choosing to believe that God is listening to me and will watch over her for me. Thanks for the words of encouragement and comfort. I know I haven't responded to the comments on my last post but I have read them all. So thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

This is all a part of this journey I am on here. I didn't expect this year away to be easy, but I never imagined how hard it would be at times. It feels like I've been gone a lot longer than almost 4 months. That's the things about time it feels slow one moment and speeds up the next. A lot has happened in the 4 months I''ve been gone, and I know a lot more will happen. I'm just hoping it will be mostly positive things.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

I feel like I cannot breathe today. Over the weekend I found at that my dear grandma was in the hospital. Her condition is pretty serious, but thankfull now she is stable. I don't know when it happened, I got back from the World Cup event on Fridaymy sister just left me a cryptic message saying to call her. Which already sent me into panic mode, thinking something happened to my mother. I called her and she told me it was my grandma that she was in the hospital, something about her heart, my sister was sleeping so she wasn't really clear on the details. Extremely frustrated I tried to reach my mother, but with the time difference I couldn't get through to her or anyone. So there I was sitting in my apartment, completely frazzled, no way to contact my family, no information. Just worried and anxious, and miserable. At that moment I felt so powerless. Even now I feel powerless.

Anyone that knows me, knows my family is my everything. Not being there right now, even though I can't do anything is really eating me up. Even though I'm not a doctor, just being there to hold her hand, and give her words of encouragement would mean a lot to her and me. I was able to get through to my mother on Saturday and got the details. All I can say is thank God my mother was home, is a nurse, and took her to the emergency room. Thank God for not taking my grandma away from me. I tried to call the hospital all day on Sunday and kept getting the run around, and then they told me that after 9PM the phones are disconnected so there was no way I would be able to get through to my grandma's room. I waited till midnight on Sunday which is 7AM in AZ and finally was able to talk to my grandma briefly. I just needed to hear her voice, if I could speak to her then I could calm down and feel like everything is going to be okay.

The thing is that even though I spoke to her, I don't feel calmer. I don't really know what is the true situation besides what bits I get when I can get through to home. It is so frustrating being somewhere else when all kinds of drama is raining down on my family. My mom didn't even want to tell me, which just makes me even madder. I couldn't sleep last night just praying and thinking about my grandma. I didn't want anyone around me when I am like this, so I didn't reach out to my friends. I can't talk or pretend I'm okay when I'm not. So it was better to just be by myself. I cannot imagine my grandma leaving us anytime soon. She's the only grandparent I've known. She's taught me so much about my culture, about true strength, about being a good human being. I love her, and she can't leave us, not until she can see us all doing well. Not until she can leave with peace of mind and heart.

This isn't the first time she's been in the hospital in the last year or so and I am just so worried about not being there. My mind is so fuzzy and cloudy right now. I'm trying to get through my classes and keep myself busy, but my mind just keeps going to my precious grandma, and then I feel this weight on me. I should be there, next to her in the hospital. I should be there encouraging my mom. I've always been there, and now I'm not. So I feel miserable and guilty, and I just can't breathe. I'm not okay. My mom's been through so much, and she's already lost one parent. I'm worried about her, just as much as my grandma. She's trying to be all everything is fine, but I know she doesn't want me to worry or stress and make myself sick. I'm trying not to but I just feel useless. I'm so far away. I'm so far away. I'm so far away. Not being there is what's bothering me. My family is my life, and I just cannot handle this kind of stuff especially when I'm not there.

I know my grandma knows how much I love her, but I still want more time to show her that love. So God won't you keep her for me? Won't you protect her for me? I'm so far away, and I need you too take care of those back home for me? Please, let her stay stable, let her be able to leave the hospital soon, and most importantly let her make a full recovery. We all still need her, especially my mom. She still needs to go back home to Nigeria and see her other children and grandchildren, to rest peacefully. So won't you be her personal bodyguard for me?

I need you to do that, so I can breathe again.

I'm not very good about voicing my worries, so writing has become my brand of therapy. I needed to write this out, because my mind was going into overload today at school. Getting these thoughts out is making me feel a little less blue today. Four hours till I can go home. I have to wait till at least midnight to be able to call and check up on her though.

Only three more days left in AZ before I leave for Seoul!!!

The last few days have been filled with bittersweet moments and lots of nostalgia. Yesterday, I went on a mini-road trip with my good friends from college. We went to Tucson, to see a friend and it was just a great experience/day. From the moment I got in the car and we were on our way I had so much happiness and peace inside of me. We saw a movie, ate some delicious Vietnamese food, and ended the night with Amanda's delicious brownies (no brownies I have had beat hers), sparkling cider, and lots of reminiscing and laughter. I have an amazing group of friends and I am soooooo very thankful and grateful to them for being in my life. They keep me sane, grounded, and centered, and I love them for that. I just hope I give even more than I take from them.

As we made the two-hour journey back to Phoenix, I looked out the rain splattered window and watched Tucson fade away. I had spent the past four years there, and it held a lot of wonderful memories, and now that chapter has ended and a new and exciting one is about to open. I can't help but smile, because inside I feel amazing and so at peace with who I am, where I am going, and what my future holds for me. I don't have everything figured out, but that's the great part. I'll figure it out with each new experience I have. It's not so much the destination anymore but the journey that gets me there.

Today, at church my pastor and brethren prayed for me, and I felt so loved by them. They are my family, and have helped me become the young woman I am today and I am very thankful and blessed by their love and concern for me. There were a lot of hugs and farewells today, but I left smiling because I knew that wherever I am in this world I know they will always be wishing me well. It feels like everyday is even more precious now that there are only a few more days before I leave. I'm doing my best to make the most out of each one, and let them people in my life have good memories to make them smile.

I just keep thinking how everything feels so right this time around compared to August. The small bowel x-ray results came back normal, and I have noticed that I feel really good these days. Lots of energy:)! I feel  deeply blessed to be surrounded by my wonderful family and friends, and thankful for all their support in everything and anything I do. A friend said to me today, that she knows wherever I go, my light will shine brightly, and it made me smile. I know that no matter where I am in this world I will and can succeed because everyone I love is cheering me on, encouraging me, believing in me, and supporting me. I will leave knowing that and it gives me a lot of strength.

I am not fearful or nervous anymore because I know I can and will overcome and triumph in the end. I know God is guiding and watching over me as I take this next step in my life and start a new chapter in Seoul. I am thankful to everyone out their supporting me, helping me, and uplifting me. I hope to always do the same for you.

With only three more days left, it feels like time is racing ahead of me, but I know these three days will be blessed with wonderful memories. I'm going to enjoy my family and friends, eat lots of Nigerian food, and get plenty of rest. The next time I write to you will be from Seoul, so look forward to it. Thank you for supporting me.

I'm looking forward to all the amazing people I will meet and experiences I will have in Seoul. Keep me in your prayers, and you are always in mine.

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

The lyrics in this song describe who I am at this point in my life now...