If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next… Don’t. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness. Don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present - each moment as it comes - because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again…           

~Julia Brown, Everwood~

In my last blog my friend asked me "what do you want to do next?" I've been asking myself the same question but I still don't have a definite answer. At first that worried me, it worried me a lot because for most of my life I'd been the girl with THE plan(s). I had my life mapped out years into the future, and for most of my life I followed the directions I'd laid out for myself without ever taking a detour. Then I got to college, and my plans started to unravel. I started to unravel and even though it felt like all I knew was disappearing in hindsight it was/is the best thing that ever happened to me so far. You have to lose yourself to find yourself, and sometimes losing yourself helps you create who you want to be.

It's hard to let uncertainty take the reigns on my life, but life really is full of so much uncertainty no matter how much we know or think we know. We can make all the plans in the world, but life is a maze of roads and sometimes all the plans you have just get tangled up and so do you. I definitely worry about what comes next, but I try not to let it paralyze me because I have that hope and faith that whatever does come next will be right for me. I've got little bits and pieces of things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go, things I'd like to see after my time in Korea comes to an end, but for now the immediate what comes next is spending time with my family and friends back home, then settling in for another year here. Grad school is taking up a lot of space in my mind, so I want to start looking into Masters programs. I've been thinking a lot about doing one for couseling and for teaching if that would be possible. I think the best thing is to talk to a lot of people in the areas I'm interested in, do my research, and then decide on what feels right for me. My future isn't set in stone, it's created by all the choices I make in my present. I'm trying to make the right choices for me, that will lead me to a road that takes me to the future I want for myself.

The other day my co asked me if I didn't think I'd change my mind and do something else. There is always the possibility of change, but I really feel like I've finally found what I've been looking for as far as my career goals go. I never would have seen myself working as a counselor, but the funny thing is I've been walking down that path for a long time now and I didn't realize it. I've always been the happiest coaching, mentoring and working with youth. I believe being in a job that lets me do that on a daily basis would be amazing. I've got a really big dream for far into the future when it comes to working with youth, and these are the stepping stones to lead me closer to making my dream my reality. I always remind myself to follow my heart and live the life I've imagined. To imagine it up as I go, and create my own path. I've spent too much time trying to live up to other's expectations, trying to mold myself into someone I'll never be happy as. There will be people who don't understand or who feel disappointed in me, but at the end of the day what really matters is how I see myself. How I see my life. What matters is if I like it, if I love it, if I'm happy in it.

Up until college I had such a solid grasp of my life, and sometimes now I feel lost because I'm not sure what direction I want to go, but I know where I want to end up. There are many paths/roads that can lead me there and that is both a blessings and a curse. Some are shorter, some longer. Some are smooth, some are bumpy and riddled with potholes. The thing is I won't know what lies ahead until I reach that point in my journey. I've just got to hold onto my hope and trust that no matter how chaotic things get, it will be as it should in the end, it will be all I've hoped for. I'll be living as I've imagined myself, and if I'm really lucky it will be even better than I imagined.

So to answer her question, what comes next? I'm making it up as I go. I've got goals and dreams inked out but no permanent plan on how I'll reach them. My plans change as I do, as life does.  I'm trying to do the things I love, be open to detours, and remember to take happiness with me wherever I go.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

We don't need any roads

Put your feet on the ground

And forget what you know

Don't make it down
Make it up as you go...

I can't tell you what's best

I don't know what comes next

All I know is that I don't know anything

All I got is today, and I prefer it that way

Make a plan, but I know it's gonna change

And that's okay

~Plain White T's~

I heard this song yesterday, and it resonated with my currently wandering soul. Maybe it will do the same with you...

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Today is the first day of another week. Lately, I've been dreading Mondays for several reasons. First, it means my weekend has come to an end. Like Cinderella, when the clock stricks twelve I realize that the real world has begun to intrude on my dream world. Second, Monday is my worst day of the week. I have 3 classes of 6th grade, 1 class of 3rd grade, and 2 afterschool classes. All back to back, and after I have to lesson plan for the next day, and then there is the teacher's meeting. Monday is my busy day, and by the time I get home I am exhausted, and ready for naptime.

These days time seems to be moving faster, and days slip into one another. For some reason, I couldn't fall asleep last night. I went to bed around 11PM and by 1PM I was still wide awake. I finally fell asleep but it was restless and I woke up around 6AM unable to fall back asleep. So today, I am really tired, and that doesn't help when I have a busy day. At first I felt fine, but as the day went on, and the kids became really noisy to the point of giving me a headache, I realized how tired I really was. What was kind of funny was how hungry I was at lunch today. I didn't notice just how hungry I was until I started eating and for the next 15 minutes my focus was on shoveling food into my mouth. I even got seconds. Now, I'm really sleepy. The nice thing is that my 3rd grade co-teacher is doing a review so she said she doesn't need my help. Yippie!!!

I think it's the combination of lack of sleep, noisy kids, and humidity that is making me feel a little out of balance today. Truthfully, I've been feeling out of balance for the past week. I have so many things I want/need to do like planning my trip to Tokyo and Jeju over summer break. I know I don't need to figure it all right now, but I don't have the energy to start researching it just yet. I'm a very I have to be in the mood to do something kind of person. Also, my school has me doing English camp and afterschool classes at the same time, and they haven't told me anything about what I am doing for the camp, what grades I am teaching, or anything useful. Camp starts in a little over a month, and I would like to have something ready for those 3 weeks. I'm crossing my fingers it won't be mixed grades because that just makes everything ten times harder.

This past Saturday some friends and I headed to Muuido Island for some sun and relaxation. It was exactly what I needed. I felt at peace there. It was so different from Seoul. It was quiet, slow, and the countryside was a feast for my eyes. We spent the day at Hanagae beach and just lounged around for the day, eating junk food, reading books, and talking. I took lots of photos, which will be in another post. It was nice to get out of Seoul, even the journey there was fun. We took the longer/scenic route from Incheon station. If you are in a time crunch (then go to Incheon Airport and take bus 222 or 306 to the ferry terminal). I just loved how quiet it was, no one was in a rush, and everyone was just relaxing. I'm definitely going to do more island hopping in the future. I think it makes a good overnight trip.

The weird thing was, when I woke up on Sunday I was completely wiped out. I was beyond tired, and it wasn't like I really did anything. It was like being jet lagged. I kept on napping throughout the day, but was still tired. I managed to do some laundry, and some grocery shopping. I had to force myself to get out of my apt but once I did I was glad. It was around 8:30 PM and the weather was lovely. As I walked to the Daiso I noticed this side street I had never seen before, making me realize once again how many places in my area I have yet to discover. I love walking around my area; it's great for photgraphy, and I can end up discovering a new restaurant, cafe, or... What I would really like to find is a nice park to relax in. When I was in college, I had this spot I would sit at on my bad days, or when I wanted some solitude to let my thoughts run around. I'm in need of a spot I can go to and do some drawing, writing, and thinking. I don't like cafes for that sort of thing. I always like being outside, under a tree, watching the world around me keep flowing on.

Okay, so about balance. In some ways I am finding mine and losing it at the same time. I feel more comfortable here. I like cooking and eating at home (it doesn't feel lonely anymore). At the same time I'm always doing something. I feel like why stay at home, and miss out on the fun. There's going to come a time though when I'm going to have to take a step back and do my own thing before I get burned out. I'm constantly on the go, and the lists of things to do just keeps piling up. My environment is always a reflection of my current state, hence the sink full of dishes I must wash when I get home today. Being a neat freak, I know that something is up when my apartment starts getting messy, it means my thoughts are messy, and life in general is starting to get messy.

All of this is probably why I couldn't sleep last night. My head felt fuzzy thinking about this and that. I'm realizing that I won't be able to do everything I want, so I should focus on the ones I want the most. So today, I was looking at my list of personal goals I made before coming to Seoul, and it made me smile. I've done a lot in a little over 3 months, and I will do even more in the nexy 9 months. So I am taking a deep breathe, and am going to do things at my own pace. The thing about finding my balance, is that I have to lose it once in a while.

On a lighter note, the sunny weather has been wonderful the past few days. It makes me miss Arizona, and makes me happy at the same time. I am hopefully going to get a weekly Korean tutor for free which would be awesome in learning more Korean (it's a volunteer program in Daerim). I've recovered from my tonsillitis, but now with summer here my allergies are acting up. I have enough money to pay of my credit card, but I might wait to pay it off completely depending on how much traveling over the summer is going to cost me. I'm getting back into reading. I bought Through The Painted Deserts, before I came to Korea, and  this weekend I finally opened it up. The story it close to my heart because it's about leaving home which is what I am doing.

Lastly, it feels like I am going through puberty all over again. I feel like our twenties are full of all these growing pains. It's a bittersweet kind of feeling. I'm excited to be doing/ to do the thing things I have talked about. Whether or not my friends can go with me, I am determined to go to Japan and Jeju. I'm realizing that sometimes you are going to have to do things on your own, there is a kind of freedom and empowerment from it. I feel like the clay and the sculptor.

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.” -Thomas Merton-

  

“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” -Barbara De Angelis-

“There’s no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves” -Frank Herbert-

“Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.” -Brian Tracy-

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

Originally posted on my Six Months Till Korea blog, but I thought it should be shared with a wider audience. Enjoy:)

One of the main reasons I write my thoughts down is so I can reflect on them in the future, but even more importantly to see how far I have come and how much farther I need to go. This week has been a week of reflection, dreams, chances, but more importantly it has been a week of living and enjoying the moment.

I tend to wear my thinking cap way too much, and can get wrapped up in my head without seeing what is really going on in my life. I made a promise to myself that 2010 is going to be my year, my season, my time to shine and bloom, and I am doing my best to stay true to myself and to keep that promise.

Maybe it is just me, but it felt like for a long time I was just existing in life and not really living it, not letting myself enjoy it for all its flaws and wonder. I always thought I had to be someone other than the person I am. Always trying to change myself for the better, when sometimes it was more about accepting myself than changing me. I can smile now when I say that, because I am finally becoming the woman I want to be, and doing it in my own way and in my own time.

Everyone of us has a journey to take, and mine has taken me in different directions on the way to where I am now. I don't know what the future holds but I know I am excited to live my life going towards it. I think it all comes down to how you see yourself, and how you want the world to see you. That should be your choice and only yours to make. I keep thinking about my favorite Thoreau quote about living your life the way you have imagined it to be and it is so true.

This is your life, and as far as I know we only get this one chance to live it. So why live a life you don't want, a life you don't love? One day we will all return to the earth, and I for one don't want to be tangled up in regrets upon regrets. I'm 22 years old, and for the first time in my life I feel in sync with myself as far as who I am now and who I want to be in the future. I understand myself better. Accept myself with every flaw, scar, and beauty inside of me.

When I got into college I had a plan for how I wanted my life to be, but I am realizing that it wasn't necessarily me following my dreams, but more of me following the safe path to success. I don't regret the path I chose, because it has helped me get to this point in my life, and I have met wonderful people along the way, and have had opportunities that shaped me into the present version of myself.

I feel comfortable in my own skin, and even in those moments of doubt and insecurity I know that I am going to be just fine because like my mom says, "It is well with my soul." We all stumble, we all fall, but we all have to remember to pick ourselves back up and take it one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one day at a time. Living is about choices, leaps of faith, and chances. Sometimes we wait too long to do something that we miss out on it entirely.

It always comes down to fear; the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of pain, the fear of everything and anything you can imagine. Fear is like a plague on the human soul. It crushes our spirits, steals our dreams, and leaves us broken. Fear is friend to no one, and an enemy to all, but for me I am realizing that fear will always be there and it is up to me to overcome it, and live the life I have imagined. It is never and easy thing to overcome fear, but it is as necessary as breathing.

Over two years ago, I decided to not go straight to law school after graduation, and instead to let myself explore what else life has to offer. My family wasn't exactly excited about that decision, but they supported me and have always supported me. Something I am deeply thankful to them for. It was scary changing course like that, but it felt right, it still feels right. I was walking along a path that wasn't clear and felt more like a burden than a gift. Anyone that knows me, knows that when I make up my mind about something it rarely changes.

So deciding not to apply for law school  was a big deal, but it was the best decision I could have made for me. I was young, I am young, and I had barely experienced what life has to offer outside of a classroom. There is so much to see, so much to do, that it makes me tremble with all those endless possibilities. It feels right to go to Seoul, to travel outside of my comfort zone and give myself this year to bloom. To stretch myself, and test my limits away from the comforts I have now.

Sure I am scared, but even that fear is a beautiful thing. Like Eleanor says, "we must do the things we are afraid to do," only then will we ever know what we are capable of. If we all stay in our little boxes we will never know what is beyond those cardboard walls. Going to Seoul is a chance to explore more of the world while discovering more of me. Going to Seoul is a choice that will take me down a new path and lead me towards another. I'm excited to be doing this, to be making one dream into my reality.

But for me it is not just about going to Seoul, it's about being the young woman I want to be. This quotes sums it up best:

There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isn’t thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on. -Unknown-

Years from now I don't want to regret not saying what was in my heart, not traveling to places I dreamed of seeing, and I don't want to regret not living the life I have imagined for me. I was thinking yesterday about my future and where I see myself years from now. I kept thinking about what exactly am I going to do for a living in the future. I always wanted to practice law, and it is still my dream but there is a part of me that is still searching for that career that feels like it was made just for me.

There is so many possibilities in this world, so many places we can go, and so many things we can do, that I worry that I will get lost in the choices and never find the one for me. Before, I thought success was measured by the amount of money I would make, but as I got older I realized that success is defined by me and no one else. Success for me is not about money, but the way I choose to live my life. I know I want to help people like me, people searching, people drifting, people who are lost, and people who come from fragmented families like me.

I know I want to help others discover themselves, and make their own dreams a reality. I know I want to do something and be someone that inspires others to live their life the way they have imagined it to be. I know I want to be the advocate for those whose voices are silenced. I know I want to leave a legacy of positive change, and inspire people to lift their voices, and use their bodies to help those that cannot. The problem is that even though I know this much, I have no idea how to make that into a career for me.

I've always felt my calling was law, and in a lot of ways I still do. The question then is what kind of lawyer should I be. I have been thinking a lot lately about being a human rights lawyer and focusing on helping the youth whether in domestic cases or international ones. I've always advocated and looked out for the people around me, and I feel like my voice could be the voice they need. But then, there are so many other careers besides law that I could be the one for me...

I don't know, these are just some thoughts racing circles inside of me. I'm at that point in my life where it is  feels okay to feel this unsure about my future, and to get a little lost along the way, because I believe with all my heart that one day in a moment all will be revealed to me. I just have to continue living my life and letting my footsteps lead me closer to where I am supposed to be.

I'm sharing all of this because I know there are other people out there, who like me are trying to figure out their place in this world. Who are beating themselves up for being lost, when they should remember that sometimes you have to get lost in order to find and be found. We are always changing so don't hold yourself back, take a deep breathe and jump. Jump, and let yourself go...