Lola O.
I've got 27 minutes to relax before my ASP starts. I just finished teaching my two summer camp classes, and I feel a bit tired, but it's a good peaceful kind of feeling. Last night, was the first time in a few weeks that I had a really good and peaceful sleep. I woke up with a smile on my face, I can't describe how peaceful I felt. I even woke up early. I had been praying for God to give me peace of mind and peace of heart, to let all the heaviness and sadness I felt wash away. I've been a bit of a zombie, but I am slowly waking up and getting back to living my life.

The sadness I feel not having him alive anymore is still there, but I'm not letting it overwhelm or control me. I've decided to be thankful for the father he is to me, the man he is to me. His death doesn't change who he is, and I will always have him in my heart. It's hard being away from home, but I am so thankful for my family, for them being there to listen to me, and for my friends trying their best to make me feel even a little better. I'm smiling and laughing and living again, because life goes on and I have to go on to. Now I can just miss him, now I can just smile and flip through my memories of him. He is a great man, and I'm so thankful that I had him in my life for the last ten years. I know I'm not the only one who misses him or loved him. He touched so many lives, and all that love is still here.

They held a sort of memorial for him this past Sunday, and Thursday is the wake, and Friday is the funeral. I gave them a letter to read on my behalf, and I know he's smiling down on me, and cheering me on up there is heaven. I'm going to be thankful, and I'm going to live my life joyfully. I guess I'm at that acceptance part. I can't change the fact that he's dead, but that doesn't mean he's gone, and that doesn't mean I should be sad forever. I keep replaying our last coversation before I left, and I know he'd be proud of me for coming this far, and he'll be watching and helping me go even farther. He gave me strength and courage all the time, and it makes me smile when I think of him. It's funny how memories just pop up these days. Mostly they are just warm feelings of times we spent together.

As much as I would love to get on a plane and go home, I know that won't make it better, or change anything. I'm going to enjoy every moment I have here and now, because that's what living should be about. I came here to discover and create myself, and everything good or bad that happens helps me do that. I feel better today, a lot better, and I'm slowly rising back up, and breathing easily again. I'm not going to keep hiding out in my apartment, and avoiding people. I have to keep moving on, and being joyous and thankful.

I booked everything for Hong Kong, Jeju, and Tokyo, making three dreams come true, and cultivating many more. I want to be a traveler for life. My heart is very thankful these days for a lot of things. That heaviness is slipping away. I'm glad I am here, I wouldn't change it. I'm making my dreams come true, and I know he's proud of me. I'm going to believe that, and keep pressing forward.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~
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