Hello everyone I hope you are having a better day than I am. I'm really upset right now and it's taking everything in me to not cry. Deep breaths...

For some reason this week has been overwhelmingly emotionally taxing and it's like my feelings are so raw and exposed right now. I wish my face wasn't so readable because the last thing I want to do it talk about it with my co-workers. So I'm sitting at my desk, with my music soothing away today's stress, and writing it all down. That's my outlet. Always has been and always will be.

So what happened? My 6th graders. Parents get the terrible twos and teachers get the terrible pubescents also known as 6th graders for the sake of this entry. To say they are bad this year would be an understatment. They don't listen. They don't shut up. They don't have any respect. It's like it was all taken during winter vacation leaving them well what I have to deal with on a daily basis this year. It's the rudeness and lack of respect that is really eating away at my patience with and for them. Today was just the icing and a very yucky cake.

I have three 6th grade classes today, and of all of my four classes 6-2 is by far the rudest. They are the ones I started my day with. They made me so upset that I gave them a huge amount of homework and no game during class. What made me so upset? They could not or should I say would not be quiet no matter how many times I or my co-teacher told them to. I'm the kind of person that doesn't feel the need to keep repeating myself with my students. Being quiet is not an option or a suggestion. It's a fact. We can't get to games if they don't stop talking. I have to be stricter and meaner if I keep having to tell you to be quiet. It eats up time and I can't stand that.

The second class was a little better but not by much. I keep having to keep students after to clean as a punishment but that doesn't do anything. Even when we change their seats the chatting still continues. I never had this kind of problem last year. They are so rude. You tell them to do something or call them and they are like, "WHAT!!! WHY?!?! and roll their eyes. I had them as 5th graders so I know these kids, and they have really changed. In a very bad way. The kids come to class late every single day. I don't know if it's the homeroom teachers or other teachers that are responsible for this.

It's things like this that I need my co-teacher to get answers, but she doesn't seem to feel she has that kind of power since she is new. I don't think it's a big deal to ask the homeroom teachers to make sure the kids are coming on time and in their seats before the bell rings, and I don't think it's a big deal to talk to them about the behavior of their students in our class. It's moments like this that I wish I spoke Korean fluently to get my point across. Whether with my students or with the homeroom teachers I want to get things in order.

So what made me feel like crying? My third class. It all started with Listen & Speak. The second dialogue is Peter and Nami talking about what seasons they like. All the classes including this one laughed during the whole thing not because it was funny but because of Peter. This kind of thing happened last year but I let it roll of my shoulders but today it really got to me. The ignorant racism my kids display right in front of me. I could handle the lauging at first, but after I said time and time again to stop and just listen it continued. So I stopped and asked them what was so funny and they said to me, "Peter! Peter looks like a monkey!" All the while laughing their heads off. I stood there in silence until they stopped and I said to them, "Peter looks like a monkey? How can you compare a person to a monkey?" So one students said, "his skin is black like a chimpanzee!" Bringing more laughter to the students. I could feel this overwhelming ache inside of me for them. A feeling of hurt and at the same time pity that they see this world through such narrowed eyes. All they've known are people that look "just like them" but because Peter has "black skin" he is a monkey and worth laughing at.

So I said to them, "if Peter is a monkey are you saying I'm a monkey too? One kid had the nerve to keep laughing. I continued, "since I have `black` skin too doesn't that mean I must be a monkey too? How can you call another human being a monkey and insult them because of how they look? How can you say this in front of me who has the same skin color as Peter?" I said to them, "talking like that is not right. You can't say things like this about people or talk badly about them because they look differently than you!" I got myself under control and finished my part of the lesson. All I wanted to do was cry. I don't know why it took this to set me off but it really hurt and it still does.

I get that they are kids and ignorant about this kind of thing but they know right from wrong and should know how they behaved was all kinds of wrong. To Peter and even more so to me, their African-American teacher. After class finished I sat down at my desk, and my co came up to me and said, "Are you upset about what the kids said? You shouldn't be bothered they are just kids." All I could think was that is just an excuse. They should know better. They should know that what they said and how they acted was wrong and offensive. Their parents should teach them not to judge a person by how they look and that sometimes what you think should not be spoken. Their parents should teach them what racism means and how wrong it is. They should know that in this world there are plenty of people who don't look like them and that doesn't make them any less or any more. It makes them human just like them. They should...

I'm just really upset about it all. The rudeness. The insults. The racism. It just got to me today and I guess it has been building up. I am not my skin color. I am not the color of a crayon. I am Nigerian-American and proud of it but that doesn't define me. I am not a monkey. I am a human being and I should be treated like one. I get their ignorance but I don't get their wrongness. If that even makes sense. I'm tired of being stared at or having my skin and hair touched. I'm not some exotic thing on display for people to gawk at and make jokes about. Yes. I look different. Yes my hair isn't like yours. So what?! Get over it!

I'm not going to go on. Deep breaths. Thank goodness today is Friday. I have to suffer through a teacher's dinner and then I'm going to go home and spend time doing things I enjoy. Hopefully this emotional rawness will leave me soon. There is so much to enjoy and I don't want a negative attitude to spoil the beauty of all that is around me.

Today hasn't been the best of days but it hasn't been the worst of days.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Being back home has been wonderful. Seeing the people I love, catching up on their lives, just looking up at the gorgeous AZ sky fills me up with so much joy. I know that it will be hard to leave this place, my home for another year. I didn't realize all that I had missed until I came back. Now I worry about going back for another year. I know that for now my life is in Seoul. I'm happy there, but nothing compares to this feeling of love for the people and places I have here. I really do live in a beautiful place, and I'm thankful that over 11 years ago my mom decided to move us from New Jersey to Arizona. It was the beginning of so many wonderful experiences.

One of my favorite things to do is look up at the sky. The sky here is breathtaking. It is so beautiful, and it reminds me every day that beauty is here, there -- everywhere. We've just got to open our eyes and hearts to those little glimpses of beauty we discover every day. Whether in ourselves, the people in our lives, strangers, or our environment. There is something or someone that will bring a smile to your face as you go about your day. Just be open enough to receive it/them.

Since I've been home I've been doing a lot of reading. I've been reading my old journal entries and the things I wrote make me laugh, wonder how I could have thought that, remember what I'm fighting and living for, cry on occasion. I've always had too many thoughts dancing in my mind, with no place to go, and no room to breathe. So I wrote then and I write now to give them air, life, meaning. The entries that really got to me were the ones from the 18 year old me. Back then I carried so much weight on my shoulders. I wanted to save everything and everyone.

I wanted to be this perfect student, daughter, friend -- just perfect in everything and in everyway. A goal that could never become reality. Perfection has no place in this world. Our flaws, our weaknesses, and our failures are the stepping stones to our future triumphs if we just take the first step towards moving beyond that momentary setback. If we just choose to be true to ourselves, and not try to be someone other than the person who's reflection stares back at you in the mirror. I had so many worries and as the 23 year old me I wish I could have told my younger self not to forget that happiness starts and ends with being true to who you are in everything you do, everywhere you go, and with everyone you meet.

To not spend so much time worrying about tomorrow and spend more time enjoying today. To not be afraid to risk, to try, to challenge yourself to test your capabilities. That is how you grow, learn, live. To trust your intuition, yourself, and never let anyone crush the belief you have in yourself. As I grew older, I grew wiser. As the years went on I realized all of those things. That is the beauty of aging in body, you grow in mind, in spirit, in wisdom. I guess if I had traveled back in time to tell the younger me everything would be alright, she wouldn't have faced her battles and come out the stronger and happier me.

There was so much fire in me, like a flame that had no end or beginning, it just burned brightly with no direction. Five years down the road that fire is still burning inside of me, but it has taken shape, glows a softer shade of red, and lights my way towards the future I'm imagining day by day. I keep thinking to myself this is what happiness means. This is what having a purpose feels like. I might not have all the details worked out, but I've got the vision, the passion, and the perseverance to make these dreams into my daily reality.

There comes a point in our lives where we just have to let go of all we know and start again. I'm at that point in my life, and although it is scary it is also beautiful. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I want to do my best to head towards it with determination and perseverance. I want to be the one writing my story and not reading it! I want to have the patience to let things play out instead of trying to rush everything. All the dreams I have will blossom in their own time. So for now I just want to nurture them and give them room to grow.

I want to start living the life I've imagined and take advantage of every chance to make a dream into my reality. I'm thankful that I have the time to see what else is out there, and create my future one day at a time.

I'm starting to understand what it means to "grow up"... 

I wrote this December 4th 2009 in my entry Bloom.  As I read this entry again I find myself thinking, "this is my season to bloom. Right now I am blooming into my true self, the me that has been lying in wait for me to claim her. In my own time I've finally gotten to that point where I realize the power I have to do something amazing in this world, with my life, for people I come across. I'm the author, the pen, the pages, the words, the thoughts, the... everything in my story. No one else can or will tell my story for me. I've got to do that. I'm the only one that can do that. After all, it is MY story, my life, my struggles, my discoveries, my mistakes, my dreams, and no one else's.

It feels like I am at that point in my life where my eyes are wide open and clear. My vision is filled with clarity about who I am, where I am going, who I want along for the ride, and just my purpose in this world. The future I'm walking towards looks so exciting, genuine, and very true to me. I can feel it deep down in my soul that I'm heading in the right direction. I'm on a journey that feels like its been waiting for me all this time. Waiting for me to be honest, to be courageous, to be myself. Everything feels so wonderful. The heaviness of the 18 year old me has faded into nothingness, and the hope, faith, and vision of the 23 year old me gives me so much joy.

My hope as you read my story, is that you find the inspiration you need to pick up that pen and write your own. No one has your style or understanding of who you are. So only you can write the words that become the pages of your life. It took me a long time to get to this part of my journey, but now that I am here, the path ahead is so clear. So lovely. The path I walk on has become smoother and my footsteps lighter. I told my mom the other day "Mom, I'm going to do amazing things in this world. I just know it!" I smile as I type that out. I believe it. I own it, and I have faith in me. I'm going to help so many people find their way, because that is my purpose. The one I've been given and the one I've chosen. To be a lighthouse in the dark and murky waters of life. To light their way back and guide them to safe shores. I've got dreams. I've got plans. I''ve got hope. I've got determination. I'm going to make it happen, one day at a time, one step at a time!

As long as we are persistent in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time.” ~Denis Waitley

Bloom where you are planted. 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 

People deal too much with the negative, what is wrong.... Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. Psalms 1:3

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~Mark Twain

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed. ~Bernard Edmonds

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next… Don’t. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness. Don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present - each moment as it comes - because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again…           

~Julia Brown, Everwood~

In my last blog my friend asked me "what do you want to do next?" I've been asking myself the same question but I still don't have a definite answer. At first that worried me, it worried me a lot because for most of my life I'd been the girl with THE plan(s). I had my life mapped out years into the future, and for most of my life I followed the directions I'd laid out for myself without ever taking a detour. Then I got to college, and my plans started to unravel. I started to unravel and even though it felt like all I knew was disappearing in hindsight it was/is the best thing that ever happened to me so far. You have to lose yourself to find yourself, and sometimes losing yourself helps you create who you want to be.

It's hard to let uncertainty take the reigns on my life, but life really is full of so much uncertainty no matter how much we know or think we know. We can make all the plans in the world, but life is a maze of roads and sometimes all the plans you have just get tangled up and so do you. I definitely worry about what comes next, but I try not to let it paralyze me because I have that hope and faith that whatever does come next will be right for me. I've got little bits and pieces of things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go, things I'd like to see after my time in Korea comes to an end, but for now the immediate what comes next is spending time with my family and friends back home, then settling in for another year here. Grad school is taking up a lot of space in my mind, so I want to start looking into Masters programs. I've been thinking a lot about doing one for couseling and for teaching if that would be possible. I think the best thing is to talk to a lot of people in the areas I'm interested in, do my research, and then decide on what feels right for me. My future isn't set in stone, it's created by all the choices I make in my present. I'm trying to make the right choices for me, that will lead me to a road that takes me to the future I want for myself.

The other day my co asked me if I didn't think I'd change my mind and do something else. There is always the possibility of change, but I really feel like I've finally found what I've been looking for as far as my career goals go. I never would have seen myself working as a counselor, but the funny thing is I've been walking down that path for a long time now and I didn't realize it. I've always been the happiest coaching, mentoring and working with youth. I believe being in a job that lets me do that on a daily basis would be amazing. I've got a really big dream for far into the future when it comes to working with youth, and these are the stepping stones to lead me closer to making my dream my reality. I always remind myself to follow my heart and live the life I've imagined. To imagine it up as I go, and create my own path. I've spent too much time trying to live up to other's expectations, trying to mold myself into someone I'll never be happy as. There will be people who don't understand or who feel disappointed in me, but at the end of the day what really matters is how I see myself. How I see my life. What matters is if I like it, if I love it, if I'm happy in it.

Up until college I had such a solid grasp of my life, and sometimes now I feel lost because I'm not sure what direction I want to go, but I know where I want to end up. There are many paths/roads that can lead me there and that is both a blessings and a curse. Some are shorter, some longer. Some are smooth, some are bumpy and riddled with potholes. The thing is I won't know what lies ahead until I reach that point in my journey. I've just got to hold onto my hope and trust that no matter how chaotic things get, it will be as it should in the end, it will be all I've hoped for. I'll be living as I've imagined myself, and if I'm really lucky it will be even better than I imagined.

So to answer her question, what comes next? I'm making it up as I go. I've got goals and dreams inked out but no permanent plan on how I'll reach them. My plans change as I do, as life does.  I'm trying to do the things I love, be open to detours, and remember to take happiness with me wherever I go.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

We don't need any roads

Put your feet on the ground

And forget what you know

Don't make it down
Make it up as you go...

I can't tell you what's best

I don't know what comes next

All I know is that I don't know anything

All I got is today, and I prefer it that way

Make a plan, but I know it's gonna change

And that's okay

~Plain White T's~

I heard this song yesterday, and it resonated with my currently wandering soul. Maybe it will do the same with you...

As I sat down to eat my lunch I realized it's been almost one year since I set off on this journey. I'm doing things I only dreamed about, going to places I always talked about, conquering fears that held me back, and making my wishes come true.

I smiled to myself, feeling proud of what I've accomplished so far. I'm looking forward to the discoveries and adventures that will comes next.

This is what living means.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

I have these once in a while moments, when I'm going about my life and suddenly I stop and my subconscious whispers to me "how did I get here?" "what am I doing here?" "is this really my life?" "is this real?"

One minute I'm walking down a flight of stairs at school, and the next I'm wondering. I'm shopping at Home Plus buying my favorite snacks and then I drift into  this wonder. I'm hanging out with friends, laughing and smiling, and my thoughts end up in this wonder. I'm riding the bus home from somewhere, and as I watch the lives passing me by I wonder about these things. Ordinary moments that happen all the time get interrupted by these thoughts and sometimes I feel like I'm a dream, like my life now is a dream.

It's not that it's glamorous, or that it's extraordinary or something out of the ordinary. I think the wonder comes from realizing time and time again that this is my life, and I like it. I end up smiling when the answers to these questions come to mind. I'm here. I'm living. It's real. I'm happy. I am free.

I guess it's some kind of safety check in my brain reminding me to reassess where I am, decide where I want to go, and remember not to take what I have for granted. I smile as I sit in my apartment writing this. I'm doing okay. I'm filling up my life canvas with colors and it's coming together in it's own way. I'm alive, and doing my best to live my life as I've imagined it to be.

I guess it's the feeling of being my own person. Of being the one in the driver's seat. Of just having room to discover me. To decide for myself who I am, who I want to be, and all the lingering inbetween.

I love it.

It's 2:37 PM on Sunday, and I have only been awake/up for about 3 or 4 hours. I've been enjoying sleeping in, even with weird-filled dreams. That awesome night of peaceful sleep is a distant memory. I usually don't dream (or at least I wake up with no memory of them), but lately I have been dreaming, and they all feature people in my life, but they are weird and sometimes scary, and I don't really know what's up with them.

I had Friday off, which was much needed. I slept in, spent the day watching Gossip Girl (don't judge me..muhaha), downloading Asian dramas (need to restore my collection), eating tons of junk food, and avoiding calling home. I knew the funeral was the day after (Friday, AZ time) and I just didn't know what to say, and yes a part of me wishes this wasn't really happening, and by not calling I could avoid the reality of...everything for a little while. I eventually called my Big Mommy, and left her a voicemail telling her I loved her, and for her not be too sad or cry to much, because we all love her....I was glad she didn't pick up. I feel like if I talk to her, I won't be able to keep being strong. I hope she got my voicemail before Friday, and I hope it made her smile. Eventually, I will make that phone call, but when I'm ready.

I went to sleep Friday morning knowing that when I woke his funeral would be over, he'd really be gone forever, and that weighed on my mind. I knew that he was already gone, and that it was just his body left behind. It's just still unreal to me, and sometimes I find myself shocked once again that this really happened, that he really died. I don't cry these days, I just smile in a nostalgic and bittersweet way. I miss him, and I know missing feeling won't go away, but I do know it will get easier. I hope they read my letter to him. I can't wait to go home in March, to give my Big Mommy a long overdue hug, and to visit his grave and be able to finally say my goodbyes. Just to be able to spend some time with him in my own way.

I've been avoiding calling my family too, I just don't want to talk about it, but at the same time I do. I woke up late on Saturday and spent the day cleaning, listening to Paper Route's albums, and cooking. I cooked shrimp fried rice, and it turned out pretty good. I also made a chocolate milkshake and that was yummy. I want to make smoothies with the blender I bought. Lately, I've been cooking more, and trying to learn how to cook like my mom and Grandma. I've always liked cooking, but it's so much better to cook for others than just me. Sometimes I want to knock on my neighbors' doors and ask them to eat with me, but at the same time I'm wondering if I'll regret that in the end. I've been thinking of doing a pancake brunch at my place with some friends, I think it would be fun. Eating is so much more than putting food into one's mouth, for me it's about the conversations, the laughter, and most of all the sharing. I like the sharing aspect of Korean dining.

I realized yesterday that I hit the 6 months in Korea on July 26th, and how I wasn't particularly elated or excited about it. I thought to myself, what's wrong with me? It's like my spark has disappeared. When's the last time I went exploring? Took photos of things I liked? When's the last time I really had a fun time? Life has been crazy the last month and more like the last 2 months. I don't feel like taking photos, and I don't feel like going out exploring, which is a problem because the whole point of being in another coutry is about the adventure and discover of it. I guess that is why I'm not exactly thrilled about my vacation plans right now. Planning isn't fun, and my thoughts are elsewhere. I'm trying to get my spark back, find my way back to finding things that ignite that enthusiasm in me.

I'm enjoying learing more Korean with my tutor, we have a lot in common, and it has been going well. More like hanging out with learning involved, than straight up tutoring. Either way she has been motivating me to learn more, and take Korean more seriously. Last week she bought me a notebook, saying that when she was learning English her friend bought her a notebook to put all her notes in in the hopes that when it was filled she'd be well versed in English. Seriously, it was a really sweet moment, and it was one of the moments I really smiled and enjoyed myself in weeks. I don't want to let her down, and I don't want to let myself down. I love the Korean language, and hope to be fluent one day, whether I am in Korea or not that passion is still there.

Which brings me to passion. Lately I have been thinking about life and what I feel passionate about. What are those things I do or want to do that drives me, makes me passionate? I want to be passionate about life. to live my life with passion, because otherwise what's the point? My first thought was I don't know, and then after a while it became 1) Writing 2) Spending my life helping others (in a concrete way) 3) Music. There are other things that I care about, but the things I love for myself, the things I enjoy the most, are those three things. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to combine my passions into a career, but I think sometimes passions are just meant to be enjoyed for what they are, and not what they can give you in a monetary way. I know that I definitely want to become a couselor/therapist now (I'm not really sure about the details but I know it is in that area), and writing can definitely have a part there. Music, well that one is just for me, to enjoy in my secret moments. I am determined to learn how to play the acoustic guitar before I turn 30, I just need someone to teach me, which is kind of hard to find in a foreign country.

I'm just glad to finally really know for the most part what I want to do with my time here, and instead of pretending I want something I don't, or I am someone I'm not I'm embracing who I am, now. I'm changing, growing, and finding/creating my place in this world. At the end of the day I'm the one who has to deal with my choices, and if I'm not happy then again what's the point? This is my life, and I am the one who has to live it. There's still a lot I don't know, a lot of questions with no answers. There's still a lot of "issues" I have to work out, but I'm getting there. Slowly, but surely I'm getting there. Lately, I've been reminded of why I came here, because I wanted to live my life differently. I wanted room to grow, to change, to fall and pick myself up again, to experience life in a different way. I came here for me, to discover, create, and find me. Even on bad days, even in moments when everything feels tense, I'm still doing that, and that is something to be proud of.

One thing I'm working on is giving myself more credit, being proud of myself for the small things/moments and not just the big ones. Enjoying the quiet revelations. Simple isn't bad. Ordinary isn't boring. There is beauty and passion in all of it. I just have to open my mind to it. It's been 6 months since I got here. Six months since I left home for something unknown, and I wouldn't trade these 6 months for anything. Being here has been the best thing I did for myself, even in the bad or sad moments. I'm living a dream, and discovering more. I'm losing and finding myself over and over again. I'm shaping myself and being shaped by others.

I'm looking forward to the next six months here. I'm looking forward to more discoveries, adventures ,and quiet moments. I'm looking forward to seeing the changes that take place in me, how I live, how I see life. I'm looking forward to...everything. Hopefully, if everything goes well I'll be around for one more year before this chapter of my life ends and the next one begins...

This is my story, and I'm going to write it for me. I'm going to make my dreams come true, and live my life the way I've imagined it to be. The past 6 months have been a lot about shedding the old me, for someone new, but I've realized that I don't need to become someone completely new. I just have to become a better, happier, and more passionate version of me. I'm still me at the end the day, just with a bit more color and certainty.

Here's to the next 6 months, and for everything that comes after. Thanks to everyone who believed in me, and helped me get here, let's go even farther...



Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

"Thanks Big Daddy for believing in my dream(s) and helping me get here. You are a part of me, wherever I am, and wherever you are. I love you, I miss you, and I'm always thankful for you."

With love,

I've got 27 minutes to relax before my ASP starts. I just finished teaching my two summer camp classes, and I feel a bit tired, but it's a good peaceful kind of feeling. Last night, was the first time in a few weeks that I had a really good and peaceful sleep. I woke up with a smile on my face, I can't describe how peaceful I felt. I even woke up early. I had been praying for God to give me peace of mind and peace of heart, to let all the heaviness and sadness I felt wash away. I've been a bit of a zombie, but I am slowly waking up and getting back to living my life.

The sadness I feel not having him alive anymore is still there, but I'm not letting it overwhelm or control me. I've decided to be thankful for the father he is to me, the man he is to me. His death doesn't change who he is, and I will always have him in my heart. It's hard being away from home, but I am so thankful for my family, for them being there to listen to me, and for my friends trying their best to make me feel even a little better. I'm smiling and laughing and living again, because life goes on and I have to go on to. Now I can just miss him, now I can just smile and flip through my memories of him. He is a great man, and I'm so thankful that I had him in my life for the last ten years. I know I'm not the only one who misses him or loved him. He touched so many lives, and all that love is still here.

They held a sort of memorial for him this past Sunday, and Thursday is the wake, and Friday is the funeral. I gave them a letter to read on my behalf, and I know he's smiling down on me, and cheering me on up there is heaven. I'm going to be thankful, and I'm going to live my life joyfully. I guess I'm at that acceptance part. I can't change the fact that he's dead, but that doesn't mean he's gone, and that doesn't mean I should be sad forever. I keep replaying our last coversation before I left, and I know he'd be proud of me for coming this far, and he'll be watching and helping me go even farther. He gave me strength and courage all the time, and it makes me smile when I think of him. It's funny how memories just pop up these days. Mostly they are just warm feelings of times we spent together.

As much as I would love to get on a plane and go home, I know that won't make it better, or change anything. I'm going to enjoy every moment I have here and now, because that's what living should be about. I came here to discover and create myself, and everything good or bad that happens helps me do that. I feel better today, a lot better, and I'm slowly rising back up, and breathing easily again. I'm not going to keep hiding out in my apartment, and avoiding people. I have to keep moving on, and being joyous and thankful.

I booked everything for Hong Kong, Jeju, and Tokyo, making three dreams come true, and cultivating many more. I want to be a traveler for life. My heart is very thankful these days for a lot of things. That heaviness is slipping away. I'm glad I am here, I wouldn't change it. I'm making my dreams come true, and I know he's proud of me. I'm going to believe that, and keep pressing forward.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

It's 8:47 AM, I've got about half an hour before I have to head to school for the second day of Summer Camp. I'm dreading having to go there, and act like everything is okay. Like I am okay. I haven't had time to absorb or process what has happened and I am so mentally exhausted right now. I feel heavy, I feel like if someone poked me even just a little bit I would fall over and not get back up. I would just sink, into what I don't know. I just need time, I need time to cry, remember him, and come to terms with what happened. I just can't fathom that this is for real. I walk around in a daze and sometimes I remember he's gone and I just cry because it is so unthinkable to me that he isn't alive. I just cannot believe it.

I woke up yesterday, and decided to wear black. If I can't go home and mourn my loss with the people who loved him like I did, then I will mourn him in my own way here. The idea of wearing something with color makes me feel like I am going to throw up so I've been wearing black, and I will wear it till Sunday after his funeral which is Saturday AZ time. I cannot believe I will not be there to say farewell to the man who has loved me like his own for the past 10 years. I feel so alone right now. I gave my brother a letter, so hopefully it will be read there in place of me. I am thankful for my friends here who have embraced me, but it's not the same. They didn't know him, they didn't love him, no one here understands the sadness I feel right now. It's like someone took a knife and stabbed me in my heart. It is so painful that sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.

I can't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I just think of him more, of how his voice sounded. The memory that sticks out the most is when I was sick and in the hospital last August. He was one of the first people there. I remember him at my side holding my hand, and whiping away all the tears from my face. Telling me it will be okay, I'll be okay, that I just need to rest. I remember the comfort he gave me, and it hurts that I wasn't there to do the same. I just keep thinking about all the nevers. All the things he'll never see me achieve or be a part of of. I cry when I think about him not being there when I get married. He's the person who would ahve been at my side along with my mom walking me down the aisle. I'm just so sad, and I don't know how my heart can take all the sadness I feel right now.

I need my mom. I lay in bed and think about being home and laying down in her bed and having her hold me, and then I open my eyes and it's just me here alone. Mourning someone you love by yourself is so depressing and sad. Everyone who loved him is back home getting through this together, me I'm here and I don't have anyone to cry with or remember him with.

Yesterday, I got out of school and I rode the bus home but when it got to my stop I didn't get off. I just wasn't ready to go home, but I didn't have a place I wanted to go to so I stayed on the bus. 3O minutes became 1 hour, 1 hour became 2 hours. I finally got off not knowing where I was just dazed, and I knew I was thirsty so I saw a family mart and got something to drink. Then I took the bus back home, falling asleep on the way, when I finally got home I fell asleep on the couch woke up around midnight and went to sleep on my bed. I slept and slept but why am I so tired. I just feel numb and heavy. I just miss him, and feel like I'm going to forget him.

At this moment I miss home, I miss my mom, I miss what I know. I miss my people. I miss him.

Today I woke up at 8:33 AM. I'm supposed to be at school at 8:40 AM. I texted my co-teacher I'd be in by 9:00 AM. I got in at 9:05 AM. On the way to school, I was feeling so frustrated and stressed for not waking up in time, and berating myself for not having an alarm clock. Then this baby smiled at me, and made me realize that life goes on. Things happen but we can still smile, laugh, cry, we can still live. I  got to school and sat down trying to get myself together. I didn't get a chance to eat my yogurt, because I left my spoon at home. I turned on my computer to upload a file from my co-teacher. I decided to check my facebook.

My cousin's status was saying something about how we'd miss you daddy, but we know you are in a better place. I was freaked out by it, and commented on whether something had happened afraid to see what in my heart I already figured out. I saw she was online, but I was too afraid to ask her, because I didn't want it to be true. I was already crying before I finally messaged her and asked if what I was thinking was true, and she told me that yes, her father had died the day before. I couldn't believe it, and I couldn't stop the tears that followed. I asked her how, when, because this was so sudden and unexpected, and just not fair. She told me what happened, and I just feel so numb now. With my tears running down my face I told my co-teacher I had to leave now, and she took me down to the principal to take the day off for sick leave. She was telling me to calm down, and that made me mad. How could I calm down?

I told her I just needed to call my mom, and that I would see her tomorrow for summer camp. I couldn't stop crying as I walked down to the bus stop, and I cried on the bus, a Korean song called "Like Being Hit By A Bullet" in English came on which was so ironic that it made me cry even more, and I cried as I walked to my apartment. I shakingly got on skype to call my mom, I just needed to hear it from her, I needed to talk to her, I just needed my mom. She didn't pick up. I dialed again, voicemail again. So I called the next best person, my sister. She didn't pick up. I called again, she didn't pick up. Finally on the third try she picked up and then told me she needed me to call her back in 15 minutes. I thought to myself that she must be crazy, and screamed at her doesn't she know what happened? She said what happened, and I told her Big Daddy is dead, as I cried unable to hold back. She tried to calm me down, and tell me to breathe, but how can I breathe when someone just stabbed me in my heart?

She just kept saying I'm so sorry, and I told her why is she saying she is sorry to me, when she also lost him. She said to me, because you were closer to him. She tried to make me feel better, but right now I just feel numb and funny inside. Wishing this was a lie, but knowing it is clearly the truth. She told me to write, and I wanted to fight that, but I know I need to write so that I can breathe again. So that I can think again. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with someone I love not existing anymore. I'm scared of death, and even though I know and believe he is in a better place that doesn't mean I don't miss him or that I don't want him back here with me. I didn't even get to say goodbye. No one even told me he was sick. No one told me anything. I feel so guilty for not calling him since I've been here. Like a fool I always expected him to be around. How foolish I was, and now I'll live with that regret.

I didn't even take a moment to call him and tell him how I'm doing and I will forever regret my carelessness. I didn't get to say goodbye, or tell him how much I love him, or tell him that he's been a father to me from the moment I met him when I was 12. I didn't get to tell him, that I love him sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I know he knew but I wish I had been able to tell him one last time how much he meant to me. God, I really took him for granted thinking he'd be around forever, my magnanimous Big Daddy, who towered over me with his height. I really took him for granted and now he is gone and I just don't know what to do, think, or feel. I want to cry, but the tears won't flow. I want to sleep, but I'm scared to close my eyes. I want to fly back home, but I know I can't, and I know he wouldn't have wanted me to. My cousin said I know what I need to do to say goodbye, but the thing is that I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to let him go. He's been a father to me for the past 10 years of my life. He's treated me like his own daughter, and I am going to miss his hug and his love, and our talks. I'm going to miss his wisdom, his smiling face and gray hairs with those glasses he always wears. I'm going to miss having him there when I come back home. I'm just going to miss everything, and I don't know how to let him go.

My father hasn't been around since I was 7, and in the years since then he's been in and out, but he's never been a real father to me. When I was 12 years old we moved to Arizona and that is when I met Mr. Oludiji aka my precious and wonderful Big Daddy. He became a father to me from the moment I met him. He's been a soothing and constant presence in my life ever since, and I took him/that for granted. God, I hope he knew how much I loved him. I hope he knew how important he was in shaping the person I am now. I hope he knew how much he meant to me. I hope he knew... I used to say to him, that if he had has a son I would have married him if he was just like you. Big Daddy was everything a father should be, everything a good man should be. He was so gentle and caring, and I just loved being around him. I loved being hugged by him. I loved our chats. I'd come to his house, and we would just sit there and talk about life, God, dreams, and everything. I could always talk to him, he showed me what it meant to have a father and now he is gone. He's been there for every important moment since I was 12, he was there for my high school annd college graduations, and has supported me the whole time. He'd come to our house to dissolve arguments, he'd just be there for us in everyway and now he's gone.

I remember the last time I saw him, it was a few days before I left for Korea. I went to his house to say my goodbyes. When everyone was doubting me coming to Korea, he always believed in me and supported my dream of coming here. We sat around the big island in the kitchen and talked about Korea, and my worries and hopes. I remember him telling me not to worry, to trust that everything would be okay, and to focus on living my own life, and following my dreams. I remember him smiling, and I remember thinking how old he was getting, but he was still that same wise man. That same soothing voice of reason in my life. I hugged him tightly, and told him I'd see him when I get back, and now I won't get to see him, and that hurts. That hurts.

I'm not ready to say goodbye Big Daddy, not like this, not this way, not when I'm not home or there to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you. I know you know, but how I wish I got to tell you one last time. My sister said for me to pray, and so I will write my prayer down here to remember you.

Dear Big Daddy,

I love you. I love you the way a daughter loves her father. I love you for taking me as your own and loving me like I was yours. I love you, I love you, I love you beyond those three words. I'm so sad right now, and I know you wouldn't want me to cry, but you know I've always been the emotional one. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring enough to teach me, and give me pieces of your wisdom over the past ten years of my life. There are no words that I can say or write that will convey the meaning of you to me. I just hope that up there in heaven you look down on me, and can see the place you have in my heart. I know you'll keep watching over me as you have done for the last ten years of my life. I know that you are resting in heavenly peace because no one deserves it like you do. I know you are smiling down on all of us, and will be our gaurdian angel. I'm sad, but I'm going to keep smiling, and living out my dreams because that is what you would have wanted me to do.

I love you dad, I love you so much. Thank you for being the father I always wanted and needed. Thank you so much for all the love and care you've shown me. I just hope that you know how much I love you. I hope that you knew how much you mean to me. I didn't get to hug or kiss you, or tell you I love you one last time, but I know you knew even without me being there. Don't worry about me, I'll keep working hard. I'll keep living well, and I'll make sure I don't stress like you told me to. I'll remember all of your wisdom, and I won't let you down. Thank you from every part of me for being in my life. I love you my dearest Big Daddy. Keep looking out for me from way up there. I know your hand will keep guiding me, and your voice will keep soothing me for all my life. I love you, I love you, I love you. I don't want to think of this as goodbye, so I'll just say see you later Big Daddy!

With every love,
Your daughter...

Me: It's funny in a very unfunny kind of way how one's mood can change from good to bad in moments that barely amount to seconds.

There I sat in the bathroom stall of my school trying to get my emotions under control. I was upset about a lot of things. Things that happened today, things that happened on other days. I was upset for myself and the people around me. I was sitting in this germtastic bathroom stall with the only western toilet at my school. Trying my hardest not to cry, not to scream, not to breakdown. These days I am oozing emotional...

Me: It's weird in a very sad way how I can shed tears easily for others but not a single drop for myself.

I noticed how quiet it was in this bathroom on the third floor of my school. The kids had gone home for the day, the teachers all doing their own thing. I had the bathroom to myself. I was sitting in this stall and I knew I could have a moment to myself. No one was looking at me. I didn't have to smile or bow my head in greeting. For a few moments I could just be...however it was I wanted to be. I could feel the tears welling up. I wanted to cry for my co-teacher who was crying for herself. I wanted to cry for my grandma. I wanted to cry because even in "my moment" I could feel the real world seeping in. I could feel it in my chest, in a spot right by my heart. That overwhelming feeling of wanting to release it all out.

I noticed that I had my Ipod with me. My earphones resting in my ears. There was a song whispering through me. I turned up the volume and it was "Your Hand In Mine" by Explosions In The Sky and for the next 8 minutes and 18 seconds I just sat there, in that bathroom stall. Knowing those 8 minutes and 18 seconds would be mine and mine alone. No students, no teachers, no authority, just me and this song.

Me: It's crazy how I could find some peace in such a dirty/germy environment. I guess we all adapt when our options are limited. That's how we find beauty within ugliness.

I don't know if this bathroom stall will become my spot. The place I go to on bad days, when I need a moment alone to collect the parts of myself that have fallen out of place. The place I go to when I need a moment to recharge my batteries without everyone looking at me. I don't know...but today for those 8 minutes and 18 seconds it was my spot.

Three walls and a door covered with God only knows what, and a song without any words filled the time.

Lola's Note: This week has been one of those weeks. You know the kind of wee filled with moments of just "aargghhhhhhhhhhhhh" and one minute you are flying high and the next minute sinking low. The week isn't even over but it feels like it has been going on for ages. There are so many contributing factors to me writing this poem-ish entry. Just like we all need to breathe to live, I need to write things out to move on to the next moment. Since crying just doesn't happen for me. Chalk this Thursday up to an experience in this journey in Seoul but today has just been a really rough day. Everyone's nerves are a bit frazzled and sensitive these days. I'm looking forward to getting my open class over with tomorrow and a weekend filled with only moments of fun.

One days when I need a pick me up I wear red. It makes me feel energized, powerful, and ready to take on the day. Today is one of those days. I wore red converses to school, a red watch, and a red scarf. It makes me feel better/stronger and that is what I need right now. This week has been stressful for so many reasons. My grandma, having another open class on Friday, the sudden insaneness of lesson planning for my after school program, and English camp, the crappy weather, and the pangs of homesickness.

I woke up this morning on my couch. The last thing I remember was laying down there around 8PM telling myself I would get up in a little bit and eat dinner. Yeah, I woke up this morning with barely enough time to make it to school. Sleeping has always been my coping mechanism for stress. It's the most peaceful way to unwind, but it gets in the way of productivity. I've been mentally exhausted all week and I am just telling myself to hang in there till Friday. I'm really thankful for my students this week, they've been the least stressful part of my days so far. They've made me laugh and get out of my funk at least during school hours.

I was thinking though why am I so stressed? Yes, there are things happening that are out of my control, but I can choose how to react to it. Made me think about that saying that life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. I can't say I'm great, or that I even feel okay, but I know I will make it through. I'm going to choose to be positive and belief that everything will work out. I'm going to choose to be positive and trust in my Grandma to pull through and make a full recovery. She's still in the hospital for now. I'm going to choose to do my best as a teacher and not let all the craziness get to me. I'm going to choose to take a step back, and breathe. Just breathe in and out, and believe that when its time all the pieces will fall into place. I'm going to choose to smile, laugh, believe, and just be positive because the alternative isn't going to help me. If I think about everything too much then I just start to feel sick, and I know that me getting sick from worrying isn't going to help anyone.

I was talking to my Aunt about how I feel bad for not being there for so many reasons. Wondering if I was there to help take care of my cousins, and things at home if this wouldn't have happened. My Aunt said to me that I also have my own life to live. My grandma and I are a lot of like, we want to take care of everyone and everything we love. We put them before ourselves, because we feel secondary to them. I just want her to focus on herself, on her health, on living for many many more years. So that she can see all of us living well. She is the only grandparent I've had the privilege of knowing. It's nice being someone's grand daughter and having that special relationship. She's taught me a lot about patience, love, and family. We would sit around the dining table and just talk, she always treats me like I am an adult and it's wonderful hearing her stories. It's something between us two, that I love having. I'm worried about my mom and what she must be feeling/ going through right now. I wish I could give her a big hug, and just be there supporting her. I've always been that way. When people I love are in pain, I'm in pain too. Like a sponge soaking up their feelings, wishing I could carry their burdens..

I'm not going to give in to sad thoughts or negativity. My grandma and mom have always taught me to be strong in the face of trials and that is what I am going to do, for myself and my family. I'm going to be strong, and when I feel weak I won't hold it in anymore. I'll reach out to someone to be strong for me. I'm choosing to believe that God is listening to me and will watch over her for me. Thanks for the words of encouragement and comfort. I know I haven't responded to the comments on my last post but I have read them all. So thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

This is all a part of this journey I am on here. I didn't expect this year away to be easy, but I never imagined how hard it would be at times. It feels like I've been gone a lot longer than almost 4 months. That's the things about time it feels slow one moment and speeds up the next. A lot has happened in the 4 months I''ve been gone, and I know a lot more will happen. I'm just hoping it will be mostly positive things.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

I feel like I cannot breathe today. Over the weekend I found at that my dear grandma was in the hospital. Her condition is pretty serious, but thankfull now she is stable. I don't know when it happened, I got back from the World Cup event on Fridaymy sister just left me a cryptic message saying to call her. Which already sent me into panic mode, thinking something happened to my mother. I called her and she told me it was my grandma that she was in the hospital, something about her heart, my sister was sleeping so she wasn't really clear on the details. Extremely frustrated I tried to reach my mother, but with the time difference I couldn't get through to her or anyone. So there I was sitting in my apartment, completely frazzled, no way to contact my family, no information. Just worried and anxious, and miserable. At that moment I felt so powerless. Even now I feel powerless.

Anyone that knows me, knows my family is my everything. Not being there right now, even though I can't do anything is really eating me up. Even though I'm not a doctor, just being there to hold her hand, and give her words of encouragement would mean a lot to her and me. I was able to get through to my mother on Saturday and got the details. All I can say is thank God my mother was home, is a nurse, and took her to the emergency room. Thank God for not taking my grandma away from me. I tried to call the hospital all day on Sunday and kept getting the run around, and then they told me that after 9PM the phones are disconnected so there was no way I would be able to get through to my grandma's room. I waited till midnight on Sunday which is 7AM in AZ and finally was able to talk to my grandma briefly. I just needed to hear her voice, if I could speak to her then I could calm down and feel like everything is going to be okay.

The thing is that even though I spoke to her, I don't feel calmer. I don't really know what is the true situation besides what bits I get when I can get through to home. It is so frustrating being somewhere else when all kinds of drama is raining down on my family. My mom didn't even want to tell me, which just makes me even madder. I couldn't sleep last night just praying and thinking about my grandma. I didn't want anyone around me when I am like this, so I didn't reach out to my friends. I can't talk or pretend I'm okay when I'm not. So it was better to just be by myself. I cannot imagine my grandma leaving us anytime soon. She's the only grandparent I've known. She's taught me so much about my culture, about true strength, about being a good human being. I love her, and she can't leave us, not until she can see us all doing well. Not until she can leave with peace of mind and heart.

This isn't the first time she's been in the hospital in the last year or so and I am just so worried about not being there. My mind is so fuzzy and cloudy right now. I'm trying to get through my classes and keep myself busy, but my mind just keeps going to my precious grandma, and then I feel this weight on me. I should be there, next to her in the hospital. I should be there encouraging my mom. I've always been there, and now I'm not. So I feel miserable and guilty, and I just can't breathe. I'm not okay. My mom's been through so much, and she's already lost one parent. I'm worried about her, just as much as my grandma. She's trying to be all everything is fine, but I know she doesn't want me to worry or stress and make myself sick. I'm trying not to but I just feel useless. I'm so far away. I'm so far away. I'm so far away. Not being there is what's bothering me. My family is my life, and I just cannot handle this kind of stuff especially when I'm not there.

I know my grandma knows how much I love her, but I still want more time to show her that love. So God won't you keep her for me? Won't you protect her for me? I'm so far away, and I need you too take care of those back home for me? Please, let her stay stable, let her be able to leave the hospital soon, and most importantly let her make a full recovery. We all still need her, especially my mom. She still needs to go back home to Nigeria and see her other children and grandchildren, to rest peacefully. So won't you be her personal bodyguard for me?

I need you to do that, so I can breathe again.

I'm not very good about voicing my worries, so writing has become my brand of therapy. I needed to write this out, because my mind was going into overload today at school. Getting these thoughts out is making me feel a little less blue today. Four hours till I can go home. I have to wait till at least midnight to be able to call and check up on her though.

• Humidity makes me feel sticky and sweaty and that is just all kinds of gross!!!
• I am extremely terrified of bugs whether it is a butterfly or bee, they are all evil to me
• This month I've been really homesick. I miss the comfort of being around what I know. But at the same time I'm thankful for the freedom I have here to explore, change, and discover...
• I feel at my most feminine when I put on a dress or a skirt. It's kind of annoying though, how much more people stare when I wear them.
• On bad days, I like to get an Orange Mango coolatta from Dunkin Donuts, then I go home and watch something funny
• Time seems to be moving faster these days, things don't stand out as much as they did in the beginning
• Even when I get lost (literally/metaphorically) I know I will find my way out/back
• I wear red when I need to feel stronger or powerful. These days the red item of choice are my converses
• Bus number 5623 has to be my favorite one to take to school in the mornings. I always have a seat, and it isn't crowded
• Where did Spring go? It vanished before I could enjoy it
• I really miss drinking Arizona Green Tea and Ginger-ale
• One of my best friends had a baby girl a few weeks ago, it's a bittersweet moment for me. I'm glad she's in our world, and I'm sad I wasn't there to greet her on her first day. I can't wait to hold her, and my other niece in March.
• My favorite number is 7
• I love eating the rice porridge from Bonjuk
• I really hate to sweat, and I am doing a lot of it these days
• Sometimes I wish I could be in two places at once, so I could here in Seoul, and back home helping out my family.
• I'm not going to be a lawyer. I'm going to be a guidance counselor. Sorry mom!
• It's weird when my students try to grab me and rub my arms, like I am some pet.
• Summer=Ice cream to me
• Did I mention how freaked out I get by bugs? All logic and sense leave me...and I run away or scream...sometimes both. My students have witnessed this side of me, which is rather humiliating.
• I'm a closet proscrastinator
• My favorite song at the moment is Wakey! Wakey!'s "Light Outside"...
• Octopus scares me, so there is no way I can put it in my mouth
• I can't fall asleep without listening to music. First, because whoever lives above me has an annoying tendancy to move stuff around when normal people sleep. Second, it's the only way to shut my mind off besides writing
• I hate wearing high heels, and I don't know how the women here wear it everday like they are wearing sandals
• I'm kind of nervous/scared about traveling by myself to Japan/Jeju but at the same time I think it will be liberating to do this on my own. I'd rather have a friend or two with me, but even if they can't go I won't  let that stop me.
• Since being in Seoul, I've met a few women who have inspired me with their independence and youthfulness no matter their age. Sometimes age is really just a number...
• Currently listening to P.Diddy's Last Night on my ipod as I type this out:)
• In 3 months and 9 days I will be 23. To everyone, I'm just a baby, but I'm really excited about this birthday. Ever since I was twelve I hated my birthday. Bad things always happened around that time without fail every year. This year though, I have a lot of things to celebrate. Being alive, being healthy (will do my checkup in August), living in Seoul, and just coming into my own. I'm planning to celebrate it by going to Okinawa. A place I've wanted to go to for years.
• If you are not watching Glee, you should stop reading this and start:)
• It's funny how we are so sure who we are going to be, or who we want to be, and then it all changes. Being here and teaching my kids has opened my heart to what I really want to do after this chapter ends
• I don't think I will ever be a city girl
• I miss reading my Cosmo magazines
• I think halmonis here are so cute with their visors, and snarky attitudes. Muhahaha...unless they push me into the subway...so not cool
• Monday is the worst day of the week
• I miss being able to call my sister and vent to her about my day
• I love finding free furniture by my apartment
• When I need a break, I like going to parks and walking around
• Sometimes I wonder to myself, am I really here? Should I be here? What am I doing here?
• I love walking around my neighborhood. There are so many paths to take, so many places to discover. That's the thing I like most about life here, there are so many places I can go to, so many things I can see.
• Whenever I look up and see the blue sky and the sun shining down on me, I become lighter, happier, and I can't help but smile because it makes me feel closer to home.
• Sometimes you have to leave home, to return back to it.
• Lastly, I'll leave you with my favorite Eleanor Roosevelt quotes...
•  "The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." -Eleanor Roosevelt- 
• "People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built."
• "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot." 

Be blessed,
Lola O.

My inspiration for this entry is the episode of Glee with the same title. Hands down, that episode is my favorite one so far. Everyone was amazing, but Artie is the one that touched a chord in me and really got me thinking about the dreams we have. The dreams that live, and the ones that die. The dreams we let go of in exchange for another one. The dreams we can reach, and the ones we can't. The ones hidden deep inside where no one can see or judge. The dreams of our youth that don't make it to the adult years. I just kept on thinking about dreams, which made me ask myself the obvious question of what my dream is.

My first thought was I don't know what my dream is, but even as that thought formed another one deep inside was screaming, "YES!!! You know exactly what your dream is, you're just too scared to say it out loud because once you say it, it takes on a life of it's own. I have more than one dream for my life, and as I experience life more and more with each passing day it goes through transformations just like I do. I've come to realize that a dream isn't something that does or should stay the same. Like us, it is a living, breathing entity. I think we all have many dreams for our lives. The dreams I had as a child aren't the same ones I have at 22. Some have died along the way, others have changed, and there are the ones I never even realized were there in the first place. Dreams aren't static things, they are dynamic and constantly evolving. At least they are in my eyes.

Okay, back to my dream(s). First, lets start with the one that I tend to keep locked away. Life here in Seoul is teaching me to be more open and share a bit more of myself with the world. I tend to keep people at arms length because I don't want to be vulnerable. I'm learning though to give a little more of myself to others in the hope that they'll do the same. That when we get hurt, the pain doesn't last forever. In time it heals. Well for me, the best way I know to open myself up is through my writing. Everyone sees me as this extrovert, but in reality I'm an introvert by nature. Well, my secret dream you might have guessed is to be a writer. If I could have any dream come true it would be that one. To be able to write works of art that help to inspire others, help them find their dream, gives them hope, lets them feel like someone understands them. Those are the kinds of stories I would like to write, ones people can relate to, find common ground with. The thing is that I just don't know if I am up for the task...being a published writer is a dream that seems so out of my grasp. I would like to write poetry, music, and eventually short stories that my readers can relate to. It's just that I don't think I am good enough. I'm scared to let that dream get too big, because if it didn't become reality it would hurt to much.

I've always written for my own pleasure. My high school English teacher got me into writing poetry and it has been my outlet for the past seven years. I write songs too, which is why I want to learn how to play the guitar so I can add music to my stories. Lol...I feel embarrassed just writing all this out. Sometimes dreams can feel embarrassing...but that's just because we want them to come true so badly and are terrified they won't. I love blogging because I get to do what I love, and hope that when someone happens to stumble across my stories they find comfort in what they read. Like the words from my lips would have come from their own. This dream though, is a vague one that is always present but one that I don't allow to grow too big, one day though when I feel ready to expose myself to the world. I'll try and see if this dream will bloom. I want to send out my work and see what happens. For now, just writing for myself and putting some of it out into the cyberworld is good enough. Inside,  I know that it is out there, existing, and if what I write helps one person feel less alone, or lost then that is a great thing.

What about dreams that die? Some of you might have read that I've wanted to be a lawyer ever since I was twelve years old. You know what's harder than a secret dream? Trying to hold onto a dream that died long ago for the sake of others. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I wasn't going to go to law school. That the dream I had for ten years, was one that I didn't want anymore. It was a dream I dreamed more for my mother that myself. I wanted to have a job that would allow me to take care of her and my family in the future. A career that would allow my kids to have to life I never got. Where they wouldn't have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck, and not getting to do the things other kids get to do. It was a superficial kind of dream. I knew that I could help people, but at the end of the day that was a dream to help myself the most. This honesty thing isn't easy. I've come along way to be able to admit that:)!

Coming here, teaching, and having my voice as the only one has made a lot of things clear to me. Whenever I think about my dream, it is always my desire to help others to find themselves, their dream, to feel safe, to feel a little less lost. I want to be someone who can comfort them, inspire them, be a pillar of strength for them. The same way I hope to help people with my writing, is the same way I want to help them in my daily life. So who is them? The youth of this world, what better way is there to make a difference than with the ones who are our future. I've always mentored and coached since I can remember. I've spent my 22 years of life looking out for others, trying to be mother to all. So I've "decided" that when I do go back to the states I am going to pursue a Masters of Education, with a focus in school couseling. I want to be a guidance couselor and do my best to make a difference one student at a time. I know I can't help everyone, but I would like to do my best to help as many as I can. My "ultimate dream" would be to open up a center for youth, a place called The Lighthouse. Somewhere they can go to and know someone will be there to help them, to be medium to other resources, whether it is school or life related, we are there to help them figure it out. A safe place, leading them back to shore. I would love to open up a non-profit organization like that in the far away future.

I actually had been thinking about this even before I came to Seoul, but being here, and having the chance to think for myself has made things a lot clearer for me. I don't want to be a lawyer, and I am finally letting myself let go of a dream that I had dreamed a long time ago. I still have to tell my mom, something I am not looking forward to. I'm letting myself embrace a dream that feels like it was always there waiting for me to finally let it in, let it become visible, let it grow. Some people who know me might be surprised by this choice, but those who really know me will hopefully see how well it fits me, the young woman I am now. I feel like I am really coming into my own, and allowing myself to transform into the woman I want to be, letting my voice be the one that leads me in this journey of life.

Being here, I've been discovering, experimenting, and exploring with my happiness. I've learned that at the end of the day, when I look at my reflection I have to be able to look myself in the eye and smile at who I see. I want to live my life in a way that allows me to help others, do my best to not hurt people, and lets me be happy. A life that gives me the opportunity to discover more dreams, and let the ones I already have take root in my life. A while ago, I wrote about how 2010 is my year to bloom. My season to grow into the person I want to be, someone I can love and be happy with. I'm figuring that out everyday. Sometimes I falter, but who doesn't? The road to discovering who you are, who you want to be, and who you aren't is supposed to have potholes along the way. Those potholes are what makes us stronger and hopefully wiser. Like a flower, I am starting to bloom. My vibrant petals are starting to become visible to the world.

Sometimes we have to take detours to figure out what we truly want. For me Seoul is a detour, a much needed detour. It's the first time in my life that I did something just for me, was "selfish" and let myself leave those I love behind. I needed this detour, whether it is for a year, two, or more. It's something I need for myself.  A chance to see another part of the world, but for me it has always been about leaving the safety of home to figure out this world and myself on my own. To clear out the voice of my family and friends, and just hear my own. To discover, make mistakes, and at the end of the day decide where do I go from here.

What about the future? I used to get so caught up in my future that I would forget we live in the present. The future isn't something that just exists in a frozen state. It changes as we change. The future I once dreamed about isn't the same now. I'm not really sure anymore what my dream for the future is, because I'm focusing on living my life in the present and letting the future grow as I grow, take shape as I take shape, change as I change. One day, the future will be my present and then what? I'm not going to spend my time worrying about what could be or will be. I'm going to live now, work hard now, and let things fall into place. I don't know how to explain it, but I just have that faith/belief/hope/trust that everything that feels tangled now will be figured out when it needs to be. All I can say is for sure that in my future I want to be happy with myself, my life, my love, my career, and the world around me. I don't have to be happy every minute of every day, but at the end of the day before I close my eyes I want to be happy, and look forward to what the next day brings. I'll be thankful for having a future to go towards.

What I'm trying to say is that every dream is precious, but some only last a moment while others live for your lifetime. If you have a dream inside of you, and you really want to see where it leads, why don't you give it a chance to take root? If you are scared of disappointing someone you love by letting a dream die, ask yourself if you really want to spend your life feeling bitter for never letting it go, and pursueing something you love. I know that we don't all get to do what we love, for.....reason, but shouldn't we at least try. Maybe, its the dreamer in me that just feels like we don't have to give up what we love to live well. I'm hoping we/I can have both. I definitely believe in dreams, and that we all  need to have a dream. Something we can look forward to, work towards, something that keeps us going through the bad/hard times.

Hehe, I know I promised to post pictures but I just needed to clear my head, and I've been meaning to write this post. I'd been feeling a bit off for the past two weeks (crappy weather, being sick, homesickness), but now I am physically and mentally better. It feels like I can breathe easily again. I'm thankful to those who reached out to me and helped me figure things out.

Lastly, I'll leave you with my favorite quote from the episode. Sure, Glee is all about the laughter, but sometimes they really know how to tug at our hearts.

A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know that if it came true, all of the hurt would go away.-Jesse St. James-

So lovely readers, what's your dream(s)?

Dream on,
~Lola O.~

***Photo Diary: Gallery coming next***

Bonus: This performance always makes me smile ^____^ 

So after my last semi-sad post life took a nice upswing. I danced the night awayin Hongdae on Thursday. Had a picnic in Olympic park on Friday, went shopping in Myeon-dong on Saturday (got some great deals), and had brunch and found a book to read on Sunday. Life was going well and seemed like things were getting better. My head felt less foggy and I was finding my clarity again.

Yeah, in the next moment everything changed. But that is life, a moment to moment kind of journey. I felt a bit yucky on Sunday but thought it was just the rainy weekendI woke up Monday morning feeling like death has run over me, but being me I headed to school. I have never taken a sick day in all the years I've been working. I know, I'm stubborn. Well I got through Monday...barely. I thought with a good night's sleep I'd be fine on Tuesday (I slept from 5pm to 7am). Nope, on Tuesday I woke up feeling even more crappy, but determined to make it through school and then find myself a doctor with the help of another teacher.

I mean this is the fourth time in 3 months that I've been sick. I think it has a lot to do with the constantly changing weather, the germs that run rampant with all these kids, and just adjusting to a new place. It turns out I have tonsillitis, not sure if it is acute or chronic or whatever. Everything hurts, my body aches, my whole throat is swollen which makes eating a pain, I keep coughing like its my purpose in life, and I just want to curl up and sleep. All I've been doing is sleeping for the past few days, and that is what the doctor says I need, lots of rest. He also said no talking, but my job is all about me talking. I have open class on Friday, and am hoping to be better by then. I wanted to take sick leave today, but I have afterschool and tomorrow is practicing for the open class. I would feel bad to leave it all in the hands of my co-teacher and wing it on Friday. So I am sticking it out, and planning for a weekend of resting in my apartment to regain my strength. There is something about being sick that makes me homesick. If I was home, my grandma would be watching over me till I felt better. I come a family of nurses so I know I'd be in good hands back home.

I feel a bit at fault that it got this bad. The doctor was looking at me like wow, this is serious. I kind of have a fear of going to the doctor ever since last August, just because it tends to end of being really bad. Even so, I should have went after I got sick for the second, or even third time instead of waiting till it got this bad. I didn't think I would get sick again, but still I should have gotten it checked out. I always had a sore throat each time, and it should have clued me in to what could have/was going on. I also felt nervous about going to the doctors here alone, not sure whether they would speak English or not. Everyone seems to think/say that most doctors speak English here...who knows. I definitely would like to find a regular doctor I feel comfortable with, and one that specializes in stomach issues.

Lesson learned, don't be like me and wait till the last minute to see a doctor whether you are in Korea, or back home, or wherever you are in this world:). I'm really thankful that I had a Korean teacher with me, so don't be afraid to ask a co-worker or Korean friend to tag alone. My biggest concern was that I cannot have anti-inflammatory medications like aspirin and the like (which ruled out a lot of the meds he wanted to give me) so it was nice having someone there to make that crystal clear to him. If you have an allery or whatever it is write it all done and let them see it. It will make things hopefully a lot easier and smoother if they can see it, especially the medical terminology.

One thing I am learning among so many, is that everything here or anywhere is moment to moment, breathe, to breathe, minute to minute,...and so on. One moment life is good, and in the next moment things can go on a different path but it doesn't neccesarily have to be a bad thing. I feel like I am getting back to my pretty cheerful self again. The sun shining brightly outside today really helps to lift my spirit and my overall attitude. My students really helped, so many told me to feel better, and one kid drew this super cute picture of me...it just made me smile.

So like someone told me, on the bad days just remember all the good days, good memories, and why you came here in. My advice to myself and you is that bad days will come, but they will also go, so will the good days. Hopefully/Most likely there will be more good ones that bad ones. One moment in a series of moments doesn't have to define your whole outlook. It's just a moment that disappears before you know it. I know if a few days I will feel physically better just as I feel emotionally/mentally better these days.

I owe all of you soooo many pictures. So since I plan on staying in this weekend, look forward to more photo diaries and less of me whining:)...lol. I hope your day is going well, and if you are sick like me feel better sooj. Sending positive thoughts your way.....can you feel them:)?

EDIT:
I totally spaced out that today marked 3 months in Korea. It feels like I have been here a lot longer, which is a mostly good feeling. I feel comfortable with my life here. I like the independence I have, and I like figuring life out on my own terms and in my own way. I've realized though, that no matter how long I stay here, no matter how much Korean I learn, no matter...I will never fit in here. It's not even that I want to fit in, I guess I just don't want to stand out so much. I don't want to be stared at, and pointed at like a side show act at the circus. I need to learn more Korean, but learning more Korean won't make me Korean. I don't want to be Korean, but my point is I will never belong or be fully accepted here. Every Monday I sit with all the other teacher's in the meeting, and I just zone out. I have no idea what is said, or what they are laughing about. I'm just there taking up space wondering why they make me come in the first place. Same thing on Fridays, I really wish I could talk more with the other 6th grade teachers (they all seem like cool ladies) but I can't. I just sit there, eating the yummy food and smiling when they look my way with a face that says she must be so bored, and in my head I reply yes. I like how things are right now for the most part, and hope each month is filled with discoveries, adventures, growth, and most of all just me shaping myself and being shaped into the person/woman I want to be. I'm finding that person(me) to be clearer as time goes by.

At the end of the day I am glad to be here, and am doing this. Korea like every country isn't black and white. It's filled with shades of gray, some a little darker, others are little lighter.

PS. My Korean name for the time being is 하늘 (Sky)....as chosen by my afterschool kids and I. They also liked Moon, Hair, Bulgogi, Kimchi, Dukbokki...etc. It was like they wanted to turn me into a food and eat me:)!

Check out: We Own The Sky

Be Blessed
~Lola O.~

I think that is the best to describe my current state. I feel weird...not really like myself. I've been sick, not sick, and then sick again for a little over a week. I feel better today, just really tired and the rain isn't helping. I haven't been sleeping well for the past three days, and my appetite is fluctuating, especially at lunch time. I just feel weird inside and out and I am not really sure what my deal is.

I've also been feeling emotionally high and low. Like today, I was trying to eat lunch and then I felt like I ws either going to throw up or cry...or both. My mind feels cluttered but I have no idea why. Life is pretty stress-free and easy here. I think part of this weird feeling/vibe I have is that I've been feeling particularly homesick too. I miss my mom at the most random moments. I miss her hugs and just the comfort of having her near. I miss my sister, and being able to call her when I feel like it and know she'll pick up. I miss my bed. I miss my friends. I miss Arizona. A lot of my friends graduated this past weekend and I missed out on being a part of that.

I just feel down for no reason in particular, physically tired, and I just want to pause for a moment and catch my breathe. I've been recharging my batteries, but I think I need to change them out for a new pair. I guess I kind of just feel worn down. I'm very raw these days. One minute I can be laughing and the next I feel like crying. No, it is not that time of the month...this is just me feeling weird.

I'm hoping to get out of Seoul this weekend and go to Busan just to have a change of pace/place and see if that helps. I'm crossing my fingers that the KTX tickets are not all sold out. If so, I will try and go somewhere else. I just need a few days away. I'd like to read a book on the beach, and just see another part of Korea.

I'm in a funky mood today!!!

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” – Jack Kerouac

A few rainy days ago, I got off at my usual bus stop and was walking towards my school. When suddenly, one of the teachers at my school tapped me on my shoulder, and we started walking together towards the school. I was going along the usual road I take to school, when she told me of another way to get there, and took me on it. The road I take is steep, and by the time I get to school I am sweating a bit from the climb. However, it was the only road I knew that would get me to school...it was a guarantee that I wouldn't get lost along the way. The road she showed me was less steep, with lovely scenery along the way. It took the same amount of time to get to school, but it was a much nicer journey towards the same destination. As we walked she said to me there are several ways of getting to the school, but she likes taking this one. In my head I thought to myself, why did I never think/try to find another path to get to school.

That experience, got me thinking/reflecting (as usual) about life and the different roads we take or choose not to take towards some destination. Being my self-reflective self I thought about how I got to the road I am currently on, and the road I was on before this one. I thought about the future I had paved out for myself since I was twelve versus the present road I chose to travel on. The Law School Road vs. The Seoul Road.

I was traveling on a road that I had paved out for myself ever since I was twelve years old and doing mock courts in Social Studies. The plan was to go to college, get a degree in Finance (The College Road), next go to Law School and study corporate law, then practice law for 7 years or so, lastly achieve my 12 year old "dream" of becoming a Judge (The "Dream" Road). I was that kind of kid, the one who spends her days dreaming and planning out her future in every delicate detail. It was my way of being in control of something in my life. I thought to myself that this is something I can do well, this is something that will allow me to take care of my family (mom/siblings) in the future, this is something that will make my mom proud of me...this is something that will make me someone with purpose. I've spent the past 22 years of my life dreaming about how my future would/will be. I was so focused on achieving those things, that I never really got to experience was it means to be a kid. I felt like I had a lot of responsibilities, and didn't have time to play around.

I spent my childhood trying to be an adult, and now I am trying to be a child. Now it is time for me to play, to discover, to fail and pick myself back up again, to just live in the present without agonizing over the future. I've discovered that my future is a road that changes daily with every action or inaction I take, every choice I make or don't make, and all the things I do in the present. The Future Road, is layered with everything that happens in the here and now. I'm doing my best to not worry about the future, and just enjoy the present. That is what living is about. I'm 22 years old, but sometimes it feels like I am a newborn taking my first steps into this world. While at other times, I feel like I am older than I am. Sometimes I feel so naive and oblivious to things, because there is so much I haven't experienced, both good and bad. At the same time, I've experienced a lot of things. So these days I am telling myself to take care of me, discover what makes me happy/unhappy, what I want from myself and others, how do I imagine my life to be. I'm letting myself dream a dream just for me.

Life is about detours...

I'm traveling down The Seoul Road not just because it is a place I've wanted to go to. But because it's an opportunity for me to discover myself a little more. To get a deeper look into the layers that make me who I am and who I am not. I came here, because I knew that the road I was on was getting too bumpy. I needed a chance of pace, I needed time to figure myself out. I need time to be honest with myself about the person I want to be and the kind of future I wanted for myself. I needed time just for me, to hear my voice, and mine alone, and to give myself room to dream, breathe, and explore.

I wanted to stop trying to grow up so fast, and let myself be the 22 year old young woman I am. A young woman who still has a lot to learn, experience, and figure out. I wanted this chance to learn, make mistakes, explore, and learn some more. A chance to discover myself, create myself, and love myself. Coming to Seoul, was/is so much more than going abroad. It's the chapter in my life story that I am most excited to create. Because no matter what, this is the chapter that lets go of the past, and determines the next road I take in my life.

I'm not twelve years old anymore. My dreams have changed and in some ways stayed the same. I don't have the future figured out...I'm still working on the present. I might still end up at the same destination, but I am taking a different road now. I don't know how long I will stay on this one, or what the next road will bring. All I know is that I am traveling towards a constantly changing future on a road I have chosen to go on. I'm searching for, creating ,discovering, and seeking my happiness with every day that I get to be alive. Little by little I am figuring it out.

The past two years of my life have taken me through highs and lows, but I have learned so much about myself. The most important thing is being happy, and doing my best to make others happy. I've learned that I am stronger and weaker than I thought. I've learned that at the end of the day if I helped one person get a little closer to achieving their dreams then I will be fulfilled. I always wondered what my purpose was in this world, why was I created, and what should I do with the time I have here. Those were the kinds of questions running around in my head even when I was a kid. Little by little I am discovering that my meaning my life has is the one I give it. The life I choose to live defines that, and I know that I want to help others find their meaning, dream, and happiness. I'm not sure what that means career wise, but I believe that I am on my way to figuring that out. I don't need to be anything but happy with who I am, and how I am living my life. That's the perspective I am taking into my daily life. So I am going to do things my way, in my own time, and create the life I can be happy with. Not content, or settled, but happy! Really, truly, and beautifully happy with myself inside and out.

This detour that I am taking, is the best decision I ever made for me. This might lead to other detours, or just a new Dream Road to travel on. Or many dream roads to travel on. Why should we/I only have one dream? I'm going to keep dreaming for as long as I live. That's the thing about having a dream, it can change, expand , evolve, split...etc. It's something that changes as you change, grows as you grow. Just as you and I evolve, so do our dreams. That is something I recently realized. Just because I had a dream for my life at twelve, doesn't mean that is the only dream I will have or live by. I have so many questions and few if any
answers, but that is okay. I will figure it out in my own time and way. It feels good just breathing and living my life day by day. I know now what it means to feel happy, be happy with who you are, where you are going, and the life you are living.

For now I am going to be selfish and put myself first. I don't know how long this journey will take, or what places it will take me to. I just know that for now this is the road I need/want to be on. It's the road of self-discovery and creation. It's taken me this long to find it, and I have a feeling it is going to be a long ride...the forever kind. I'm sure there will be many roads along the way, since this is a lifetime kind of journey. I'm excited to travel along these roads of life. To learn, to see, to explore, to create, to fall and fail, to stand up again and triumph, to just be free to get on and off as I please. To live a life I have created just for me...

One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things. – Henry Miller

I hope when people read my blog, they see that. Yes, I am here to teaching, living, and traveling. But this is a journey that is more internal that external. This is a chapter in my life where I am the only one holding then pen. This blog isn't just about my life here in Seoul. It's about my life, and the discoveries I make as I live. I say all this because I know that there are people in this world like me, searching, wondering, trying to figure out what road to take, and my advice is follow your heart, go towards your happiness the best way you know how. Don't limit your dreams, or let other people choose it for you. This is your story, this is your life, so pick up that pen and start writing...

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

I've posted this song before, but I think it really suits this entry. In a way this song changed my life, the way I see things, and helped me to follow my heart...