If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next… Don’t. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness. Don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present - each moment as it comes - because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again…           

~Julia Brown, Everwood~

In my last blog my friend asked me "what do you want to do next?" I've been asking myself the same question but I still don't have a definite answer. At first that worried me, it worried me a lot because for most of my life I'd been the girl with THE plan(s). I had my life mapped out years into the future, and for most of my life I followed the directions I'd laid out for myself without ever taking a detour. Then I got to college, and my plans started to unravel. I started to unravel and even though it felt like all I knew was disappearing in hindsight it was/is the best thing that ever happened to me so far. You have to lose yourself to find yourself, and sometimes losing yourself helps you create who you want to be.

It's hard to let uncertainty take the reigns on my life, but life really is full of so much uncertainty no matter how much we know or think we know. We can make all the plans in the world, but life is a maze of roads and sometimes all the plans you have just get tangled up and so do you. I definitely worry about what comes next, but I try not to let it paralyze me because I have that hope and faith that whatever does come next will be right for me. I've got little bits and pieces of things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go, things I'd like to see after my time in Korea comes to an end, but for now the immediate what comes next is spending time with my family and friends back home, then settling in for another year here. Grad school is taking up a lot of space in my mind, so I want to start looking into Masters programs. I've been thinking a lot about doing one for couseling and for teaching if that would be possible. I think the best thing is to talk to a lot of people in the areas I'm interested in, do my research, and then decide on what feels right for me. My future isn't set in stone, it's created by all the choices I make in my present. I'm trying to make the right choices for me, that will lead me to a road that takes me to the future I want for myself.

The other day my co asked me if I didn't think I'd change my mind and do something else. There is always the possibility of change, but I really feel like I've finally found what I've been looking for as far as my career goals go. I never would have seen myself working as a counselor, but the funny thing is I've been walking down that path for a long time now and I didn't realize it. I've always been the happiest coaching, mentoring and working with youth. I believe being in a job that lets me do that on a daily basis would be amazing. I've got a really big dream for far into the future when it comes to working with youth, and these are the stepping stones to lead me closer to making my dream my reality. I always remind myself to follow my heart and live the life I've imagined. To imagine it up as I go, and create my own path. I've spent too much time trying to live up to other's expectations, trying to mold myself into someone I'll never be happy as. There will be people who don't understand or who feel disappointed in me, but at the end of the day what really matters is how I see myself. How I see my life. What matters is if I like it, if I love it, if I'm happy in it.

Up until college I had such a solid grasp of my life, and sometimes now I feel lost because I'm not sure what direction I want to go, but I know where I want to end up. There are many paths/roads that can lead me there and that is both a blessings and a curse. Some are shorter, some longer. Some are smooth, some are bumpy and riddled with potholes. The thing is I won't know what lies ahead until I reach that point in my journey. I've just got to hold onto my hope and trust that no matter how chaotic things get, it will be as it should in the end, it will be all I've hoped for. I'll be living as I've imagined myself, and if I'm really lucky it will be even better than I imagined.

So to answer her question, what comes next? I'm making it up as I go. I've got goals and dreams inked out but no permanent plan on how I'll reach them. My plans change as I do, as life does.  I'm trying to do the things I love, be open to detours, and remember to take happiness with me wherever I go.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

We don't need any roads

Put your feet on the ground

And forget what you know

Don't make it down
Make it up as you go...

I can't tell you what's best

I don't know what comes next

All I know is that I don't know anything

All I got is today, and I prefer it that way

Make a plan, but I know it's gonna change

And that's okay

~Plain White T's~

I heard this song yesterday, and it resonated with my currently wandering soul. Maybe it will do the same with you...

I have these once in a while moments, when I'm going about my life and suddenly I stop and my subconscious whispers to me "how did I get here?" "what am I doing here?" "is this really my life?" "is this real?"

One minute I'm walking down a flight of stairs at school, and the next I'm wondering. I'm shopping at Home Plus buying my favorite snacks and then I drift into  this wonder. I'm hanging out with friends, laughing and smiling, and my thoughts end up in this wonder. I'm riding the bus home from somewhere, and as I watch the lives passing me by I wonder about these things. Ordinary moments that happen all the time get interrupted by these thoughts and sometimes I feel like I'm a dream, like my life now is a dream.

It's not that it's glamorous, or that it's extraordinary or something out of the ordinary. I think the wonder comes from realizing time and time again that this is my life, and I like it. I end up smiling when the answers to these questions come to mind. I'm here. I'm living. It's real. I'm happy. I am free.

I guess it's some kind of safety check in my brain reminding me to reassess where I am, decide where I want to go, and remember not to take what I have for granted. I smile as I sit in my apartment writing this. I'm doing okay. I'm filling up my life canvas with colors and it's coming together in it's own way. I'm alive, and doing my best to live my life as I've imagined it to be.

I guess it's the feeling of being my own person. Of being the one in the driver's seat. Of just having room to discover me. To decide for myself who I am, who I want to be, and all the lingering inbetween.

I love it.

• Fall is my favorite season, because I like all the colors and layers people wear
• My students still think I got an adjumma perm
• The state of my enviroment shows the state of my mind/life
• I'm debating whether to be a guidance couselor, a therapist, or something else in that arena
• 6-1 is my worst class. I'm looking forward to them going to middle school.
• My mom is going to be 50 on the 14th
• After teaching here I like kids more than I did
• Kraft mayonnaise is sorely missed right now. I miss sandwiches so much!!!
• Lately I've been drinking milk tea more than usual, probably because of Hong Kong
• I feel the most free when I am...dancing or writing
• I'm a 260 in Korean shoes which makes me unable to buy all the lovely shoes I see
• I miss you Tiffany oma :)
• When I was a little kid before the lawyer/judge years I wanted to be a therapist
• Everyday I read GMH, Six Billion Secrets, LGMH, because they remind me that the choices I make, the words I say, the attitude I have can lift someone up or break someone down
• I like sushi that is cooked not raw
• I thought Tokyo would be more, but I think my expectations were to high because of Seoul
• The only time I like to listen to rap is when I'm driving, exercising, or dancing
• Sometimes when I'm teaching I have that feeling of wanting to be a kid again
• I'm currently listening to Mumm-ra's "Light Up This Room"
• My foreign neighbors both moved out so I have no clue who lives by me
• I've been wearing red everyday lately to remind myself to be strong when and where it counts
• The lady I bought plantains from has disappeared to somewhere
• The other day I told one of my best friends that all I really want in life is to be happy everyday, and to make others happy everyday. That's the simple yet complicated truth.
• I write everything down because if I don't I feel like I'll forget it
• My students are constantly trying to capture me in a picture or a drawing. The results are hilarious.
• It wasn't until I started teaching that I realized with out a doubt the power and beauty of being someone's teacher. Whether in a professional or personal way, being someone's teacher is a great honor.
• Lately I've developed the habit of making a wish whenever I chance upon the time being the same digits. Most of time it ends up being 2:22 when I look at the time.
• My mom is 50 years old today. Happy Birthday to my lovely mom!!!
• I'm becoming really lazy these days. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's just me. But it's getting out of control and my neat freak self is having none of that.
• Little by little I'm finding simple things I like, just by taking a chance and trying it out, and I like that. Start with the small everyday risks and eventually I'll be able to jump on the big ones.
• I was reading my Mighty List the other day in my journal, and it was amazing to realize I'd already made some of those goals/dreams/hopes/wishes happen.
• I'm really into Sungkyunkwan Scandal these days...seriously I cannot imagine a life without kdramas!
• I had a student say F*** you today, but he didn't understand what he'd done wrong. What was really great about the situation was that the other students told him why it was wrong, and called him out for it. I didn't have to, it made me go all happy inside.
• Currently listening to Massive Attack's "Teardrop"
• I've been really forgetful today. I thought it was lunch time when it was only 4th period. I even offed the lights and made my way to the door, until my co was like what are you doing.
• It feels like a Friday...and that's a good kind of feeling to have:)

It's 2:37 PM on Sunday, and I have only been awake/up for about 3 or 4 hours. I've been enjoying sleeping in, even with weird-filled dreams. That awesome night of peaceful sleep is a distant memory. I usually don't dream (or at least I wake up with no memory of them), but lately I have been dreaming, and they all feature people in my life, but they are weird and sometimes scary, and I don't really know what's up with them.

I had Friday off, which was much needed. I slept in, spent the day watching Gossip Girl (don't judge me..muhaha), downloading Asian dramas (need to restore my collection), eating tons of junk food, and avoiding calling home. I knew the funeral was the day after (Friday, AZ time) and I just didn't know what to say, and yes a part of me wishes this wasn't really happening, and by not calling I could avoid the reality of...everything for a little while. I eventually called my Big Mommy, and left her a voicemail telling her I loved her, and for her not be too sad or cry to much, because we all love her....I was glad she didn't pick up. I feel like if I talk to her, I won't be able to keep being strong. I hope she got my voicemail before Friday, and I hope it made her smile. Eventually, I will make that phone call, but when I'm ready.

I went to sleep Friday morning knowing that when I woke his funeral would be over, he'd really be gone forever, and that weighed on my mind. I knew that he was already gone, and that it was just his body left behind. It's just still unreal to me, and sometimes I find myself shocked once again that this really happened, that he really died. I don't cry these days, I just smile in a nostalgic and bittersweet way. I miss him, and I know missing feeling won't go away, but I do know it will get easier. I hope they read my letter to him. I can't wait to go home in March, to give my Big Mommy a long overdue hug, and to visit his grave and be able to finally say my goodbyes. Just to be able to spend some time with him in my own way.

I've been avoiding calling my family too, I just don't want to talk about it, but at the same time I do. I woke up late on Saturday and spent the day cleaning, listening to Paper Route's albums, and cooking. I cooked shrimp fried rice, and it turned out pretty good. I also made a chocolate milkshake and that was yummy. I want to make smoothies with the blender I bought. Lately, I've been cooking more, and trying to learn how to cook like my mom and Grandma. I've always liked cooking, but it's so much better to cook for others than just me. Sometimes I want to knock on my neighbors' doors and ask them to eat with me, but at the same time I'm wondering if I'll regret that in the end. I've been thinking of doing a pancake brunch at my place with some friends, I think it would be fun. Eating is so much more than putting food into one's mouth, for me it's about the conversations, the laughter, and most of all the sharing. I like the sharing aspect of Korean dining.

I realized yesterday that I hit the 6 months in Korea on July 26th, and how I wasn't particularly elated or excited about it. I thought to myself, what's wrong with me? It's like my spark has disappeared. When's the last time I went exploring? Took photos of things I liked? When's the last time I really had a fun time? Life has been crazy the last month and more like the last 2 months. I don't feel like taking photos, and I don't feel like going out exploring, which is a problem because the whole point of being in another coutry is about the adventure and discover of it. I guess that is why I'm not exactly thrilled about my vacation plans right now. Planning isn't fun, and my thoughts are elsewhere. I'm trying to get my spark back, find my way back to finding things that ignite that enthusiasm in me.

I'm enjoying learing more Korean with my tutor, we have a lot in common, and it has been going well. More like hanging out with learning involved, than straight up tutoring. Either way she has been motivating me to learn more, and take Korean more seriously. Last week she bought me a notebook, saying that when she was learning English her friend bought her a notebook to put all her notes in in the hopes that when it was filled she'd be well versed in English. Seriously, it was a really sweet moment, and it was one of the moments I really smiled and enjoyed myself in weeks. I don't want to let her down, and I don't want to let myself down. I love the Korean language, and hope to be fluent one day, whether I am in Korea or not that passion is still there.

Which brings me to passion. Lately I have been thinking about life and what I feel passionate about. What are those things I do or want to do that drives me, makes me passionate? I want to be passionate about life. to live my life with passion, because otherwise what's the point? My first thought was I don't know, and then after a while it became 1) Writing 2) Spending my life helping others (in a concrete way) 3) Music. There are other things that I care about, but the things I love for myself, the things I enjoy the most, are those three things. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to combine my passions into a career, but I think sometimes passions are just meant to be enjoyed for what they are, and not what they can give you in a monetary way. I know that I definitely want to become a couselor/therapist now (I'm not really sure about the details but I know it is in that area), and writing can definitely have a part there. Music, well that one is just for me, to enjoy in my secret moments. I am determined to learn how to play the acoustic guitar before I turn 30, I just need someone to teach me, which is kind of hard to find in a foreign country.

I'm just glad to finally really know for the most part what I want to do with my time here, and instead of pretending I want something I don't, or I am someone I'm not I'm embracing who I am, now. I'm changing, growing, and finding/creating my place in this world. At the end of the day I'm the one who has to deal with my choices, and if I'm not happy then again what's the point? This is my life, and I am the one who has to live it. There's still a lot I don't know, a lot of questions with no answers. There's still a lot of "issues" I have to work out, but I'm getting there. Slowly, but surely I'm getting there. Lately, I've been reminded of why I came here, because I wanted to live my life differently. I wanted room to grow, to change, to fall and pick myself up again, to experience life in a different way. I came here for me, to discover, create, and find me. Even on bad days, even in moments when everything feels tense, I'm still doing that, and that is something to be proud of.

One thing I'm working on is giving myself more credit, being proud of myself for the small things/moments and not just the big ones. Enjoying the quiet revelations. Simple isn't bad. Ordinary isn't boring. There is beauty and passion in all of it. I just have to open my mind to it. It's been 6 months since I got here. Six months since I left home for something unknown, and I wouldn't trade these 6 months for anything. Being here has been the best thing I did for myself, even in the bad or sad moments. I'm living a dream, and discovering more. I'm losing and finding myself over and over again. I'm shaping myself and being shaped by others.

I'm looking forward to the next six months here. I'm looking forward to more discoveries, adventures ,and quiet moments. I'm looking forward to seeing the changes that take place in me, how I live, how I see life. I'm looking forward to...everything. Hopefully, if everything goes well I'll be around for one more year before this chapter of my life ends and the next one begins...

This is my story, and I'm going to write it for me. I'm going to make my dreams come true, and live my life the way I've imagined it to be. The past 6 months have been a lot about shedding the old me, for someone new, but I've realized that I don't need to become someone completely new. I just have to become a better, happier, and more passionate version of me. I'm still me at the end the day, just with a bit more color and certainty.

Here's to the next 6 months, and for everything that comes after. Thanks to everyone who believed in me, and helped me get here, let's go even farther...



Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

"Thanks Big Daddy for believing in my dream(s) and helping me get here. You are a part of me, wherever I am, and wherever you are. I love you, I miss you, and I'm always thankful for you."

With love,

I've got 27 minutes to relax before my ASP starts. I just finished teaching my two summer camp classes, and I feel a bit tired, but it's a good peaceful kind of feeling. Last night, was the first time in a few weeks that I had a really good and peaceful sleep. I woke up with a smile on my face, I can't describe how peaceful I felt. I even woke up early. I had been praying for God to give me peace of mind and peace of heart, to let all the heaviness and sadness I felt wash away. I've been a bit of a zombie, but I am slowly waking up and getting back to living my life.

The sadness I feel not having him alive anymore is still there, but I'm not letting it overwhelm or control me. I've decided to be thankful for the father he is to me, the man he is to me. His death doesn't change who he is, and I will always have him in my heart. It's hard being away from home, but I am so thankful for my family, for them being there to listen to me, and for my friends trying their best to make me feel even a little better. I'm smiling and laughing and living again, because life goes on and I have to go on to. Now I can just miss him, now I can just smile and flip through my memories of him. He is a great man, and I'm so thankful that I had him in my life for the last ten years. I know I'm not the only one who misses him or loved him. He touched so many lives, and all that love is still here.

They held a sort of memorial for him this past Sunday, and Thursday is the wake, and Friday is the funeral. I gave them a letter to read on my behalf, and I know he's smiling down on me, and cheering me on up there is heaven. I'm going to be thankful, and I'm going to live my life joyfully. I guess I'm at that acceptance part. I can't change the fact that he's dead, but that doesn't mean he's gone, and that doesn't mean I should be sad forever. I keep replaying our last coversation before I left, and I know he'd be proud of me for coming this far, and he'll be watching and helping me go even farther. He gave me strength and courage all the time, and it makes me smile when I think of him. It's funny how memories just pop up these days. Mostly they are just warm feelings of times we spent together.

As much as I would love to get on a plane and go home, I know that won't make it better, or change anything. I'm going to enjoy every moment I have here and now, because that's what living should be about. I came here to discover and create myself, and everything good or bad that happens helps me do that. I feel better today, a lot better, and I'm slowly rising back up, and breathing easily again. I'm not going to keep hiding out in my apartment, and avoiding people. I have to keep moving on, and being joyous and thankful.

I booked everything for Hong Kong, Jeju, and Tokyo, making three dreams come true, and cultivating many more. I want to be a traveler for life. My heart is very thankful these days for a lot of things. That heaviness is slipping away. I'm glad I am here, I wouldn't change it. I'm making my dreams come true, and I know he's proud of me. I'm going to believe that, and keep pressing forward.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Me: It's funny in a very unfunny kind of way how one's mood can change from good to bad in moments that barely amount to seconds.

There I sat in the bathroom stall of my school trying to get my emotions under control. I was upset about a lot of things. Things that happened today, things that happened on other days. I was upset for myself and the people around me. I was sitting in this germtastic bathroom stall with the only western toilet at my school. Trying my hardest not to cry, not to scream, not to breakdown. These days I am oozing emotional...

Me: It's weird in a very sad way how I can shed tears easily for others but not a single drop for myself.

I noticed how quiet it was in this bathroom on the third floor of my school. The kids had gone home for the day, the teachers all doing their own thing. I had the bathroom to myself. I was sitting in this stall and I knew I could have a moment to myself. No one was looking at me. I didn't have to smile or bow my head in greeting. For a few moments I could just be...however it was I wanted to be. I could feel the tears welling up. I wanted to cry for my co-teacher who was crying for herself. I wanted to cry for my grandma. I wanted to cry because even in "my moment" I could feel the real world seeping in. I could feel it in my chest, in a spot right by my heart. That overwhelming feeling of wanting to release it all out.

I noticed that I had my Ipod with me. My earphones resting in my ears. There was a song whispering through me. I turned up the volume and it was "Your Hand In Mine" by Explosions In The Sky and for the next 8 minutes and 18 seconds I just sat there, in that bathroom stall. Knowing those 8 minutes and 18 seconds would be mine and mine alone. No students, no teachers, no authority, just me and this song.

Me: It's crazy how I could find some peace in such a dirty/germy environment. I guess we all adapt when our options are limited. That's how we find beauty within ugliness.

I don't know if this bathroom stall will become my spot. The place I go to on bad days, when I need a moment alone to collect the parts of myself that have fallen out of place. The place I go to when I need a moment to recharge my batteries without everyone looking at me. I don't know...but today for those 8 minutes and 18 seconds it was my spot.

Three walls and a door covered with God only knows what, and a song without any words filled the time.

Lola's Note: This week has been one of those weeks. You know the kind of wee filled with moments of just "aargghhhhhhhhhhhhh" and one minute you are flying high and the next minute sinking low. The week isn't even over but it feels like it has been going on for ages. There are so many contributing factors to me writing this poem-ish entry. Just like we all need to breathe to live, I need to write things out to move on to the next moment. Since crying just doesn't happen for me. Chalk this Thursday up to an experience in this journey in Seoul but today has just been a really rough day. Everyone's nerves are a bit frazzled and sensitive these days. I'm looking forward to getting my open class over with tomorrow and a weekend filled with only moments of fun.

One days when I need a pick me up I wear red. It makes me feel energized, powerful, and ready to take on the day. Today is one of those days. I wore red converses to school, a red watch, and a red scarf. It makes me feel better/stronger and that is what I need right now. This week has been stressful for so many reasons. My grandma, having another open class on Friday, the sudden insaneness of lesson planning for my after school program, and English camp, the crappy weather, and the pangs of homesickness.

I woke up this morning on my couch. The last thing I remember was laying down there around 8PM telling myself I would get up in a little bit and eat dinner. Yeah, I woke up this morning with barely enough time to make it to school. Sleeping has always been my coping mechanism for stress. It's the most peaceful way to unwind, but it gets in the way of productivity. I've been mentally exhausted all week and I am just telling myself to hang in there till Friday. I'm really thankful for my students this week, they've been the least stressful part of my days so far. They've made me laugh and get out of my funk at least during school hours.

I was thinking though why am I so stressed? Yes, there are things happening that are out of my control, but I can choose how to react to it. Made me think about that saying that life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. I can't say I'm great, or that I even feel okay, but I know I will make it through. I'm going to choose to be positive and belief that everything will work out. I'm going to choose to be positive and trust in my Grandma to pull through and make a full recovery. She's still in the hospital for now. I'm going to choose to do my best as a teacher and not let all the craziness get to me. I'm going to choose to take a step back, and breathe. Just breathe in and out, and believe that when its time all the pieces will fall into place. I'm going to choose to smile, laugh, believe, and just be positive because the alternative isn't going to help me. If I think about everything too much then I just start to feel sick, and I know that me getting sick from worrying isn't going to help anyone.

I was talking to my Aunt about how I feel bad for not being there for so many reasons. Wondering if I was there to help take care of my cousins, and things at home if this wouldn't have happened. My Aunt said to me that I also have my own life to live. My grandma and I are a lot of like, we want to take care of everyone and everything we love. We put them before ourselves, because we feel secondary to them. I just want her to focus on herself, on her health, on living for many many more years. So that she can see all of us living well. She is the only grandparent I've had the privilege of knowing. It's nice being someone's grand daughter and having that special relationship. She's taught me a lot about patience, love, and family. We would sit around the dining table and just talk, she always treats me like I am an adult and it's wonderful hearing her stories. It's something between us two, that I love having. I'm worried about my mom and what she must be feeling/ going through right now. I wish I could give her a big hug, and just be there supporting her. I've always been that way. When people I love are in pain, I'm in pain too. Like a sponge soaking up their feelings, wishing I could carry their burdens..

I'm not going to give in to sad thoughts or negativity. My grandma and mom have always taught me to be strong in the face of trials and that is what I am going to do, for myself and my family. I'm going to be strong, and when I feel weak I won't hold it in anymore. I'll reach out to someone to be strong for me. I'm choosing to believe that God is listening to me and will watch over her for me. Thanks for the words of encouragement and comfort. I know I haven't responded to the comments on my last post but I have read them all. So thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

This is all a part of this journey I am on here. I didn't expect this year away to be easy, but I never imagined how hard it would be at times. It feels like I've been gone a lot longer than almost 4 months. That's the things about time it feels slow one moment and speeds up the next. A lot has happened in the 4 months I''ve been gone, and I know a lot more will happen. I'm just hoping it will be mostly positive things.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

I feel like I cannot breathe today. Over the weekend I found at that my dear grandma was in the hospital. Her condition is pretty serious, but thankfull now she is stable. I don't know when it happened, I got back from the World Cup event on Fridaymy sister just left me a cryptic message saying to call her. Which already sent me into panic mode, thinking something happened to my mother. I called her and she told me it was my grandma that she was in the hospital, something about her heart, my sister was sleeping so she wasn't really clear on the details. Extremely frustrated I tried to reach my mother, but with the time difference I couldn't get through to her or anyone. So there I was sitting in my apartment, completely frazzled, no way to contact my family, no information. Just worried and anxious, and miserable. At that moment I felt so powerless. Even now I feel powerless.

Anyone that knows me, knows my family is my everything. Not being there right now, even though I can't do anything is really eating me up. Even though I'm not a doctor, just being there to hold her hand, and give her words of encouragement would mean a lot to her and me. I was able to get through to my mother on Saturday and got the details. All I can say is thank God my mother was home, is a nurse, and took her to the emergency room. Thank God for not taking my grandma away from me. I tried to call the hospital all day on Sunday and kept getting the run around, and then they told me that after 9PM the phones are disconnected so there was no way I would be able to get through to my grandma's room. I waited till midnight on Sunday which is 7AM in AZ and finally was able to talk to my grandma briefly. I just needed to hear her voice, if I could speak to her then I could calm down and feel like everything is going to be okay.

The thing is that even though I spoke to her, I don't feel calmer. I don't really know what is the true situation besides what bits I get when I can get through to home. It is so frustrating being somewhere else when all kinds of drama is raining down on my family. My mom didn't even want to tell me, which just makes me even madder. I couldn't sleep last night just praying and thinking about my grandma. I didn't want anyone around me when I am like this, so I didn't reach out to my friends. I can't talk or pretend I'm okay when I'm not. So it was better to just be by myself. I cannot imagine my grandma leaving us anytime soon. She's the only grandparent I've known. She's taught me so much about my culture, about true strength, about being a good human being. I love her, and she can't leave us, not until she can see us all doing well. Not until she can leave with peace of mind and heart.

This isn't the first time she's been in the hospital in the last year or so and I am just so worried about not being there. My mind is so fuzzy and cloudy right now. I'm trying to get through my classes and keep myself busy, but my mind just keeps going to my precious grandma, and then I feel this weight on me. I should be there, next to her in the hospital. I should be there encouraging my mom. I've always been there, and now I'm not. So I feel miserable and guilty, and I just can't breathe. I'm not okay. My mom's been through so much, and she's already lost one parent. I'm worried about her, just as much as my grandma. She's trying to be all everything is fine, but I know she doesn't want me to worry or stress and make myself sick. I'm trying not to but I just feel useless. I'm so far away. I'm so far away. I'm so far away. Not being there is what's bothering me. My family is my life, and I just cannot handle this kind of stuff especially when I'm not there.

I know my grandma knows how much I love her, but I still want more time to show her that love. So God won't you keep her for me? Won't you protect her for me? I'm so far away, and I need you too take care of those back home for me? Please, let her stay stable, let her be able to leave the hospital soon, and most importantly let her make a full recovery. We all still need her, especially my mom. She still needs to go back home to Nigeria and see her other children and grandchildren, to rest peacefully. So won't you be her personal bodyguard for me?

I need you to do that, so I can breathe again.

I'm not very good about voicing my worries, so writing has become my brand of therapy. I needed to write this out, because my mind was going into overload today at school. Getting these thoughts out is making me feel a little less blue today. Four hours till I can go home. I have to wait till at least midnight to be able to call and check up on her though.

• Humidity makes me feel sticky and sweaty and that is just all kinds of gross!!!
• I am extremely terrified of bugs whether it is a butterfly or bee, they are all evil to me
• This month I've been really homesick. I miss the comfort of being around what I know. But at the same time I'm thankful for the freedom I have here to explore, change, and discover...
• I feel at my most feminine when I put on a dress or a skirt. It's kind of annoying though, how much more people stare when I wear them.
• On bad days, I like to get an Orange Mango coolatta from Dunkin Donuts, then I go home and watch something funny
• Time seems to be moving faster these days, things don't stand out as much as they did in the beginning
• Even when I get lost (literally/metaphorically) I know I will find my way out/back
• I wear red when I need to feel stronger or powerful. These days the red item of choice are my converses
• Bus number 5623 has to be my favorite one to take to school in the mornings. I always have a seat, and it isn't crowded
• Where did Spring go? It vanished before I could enjoy it
• I really miss drinking Arizona Green Tea and Ginger-ale
• One of my best friends had a baby girl a few weeks ago, it's a bittersweet moment for me. I'm glad she's in our world, and I'm sad I wasn't there to greet her on her first day. I can't wait to hold her, and my other niece in March.
• My favorite number is 7
• I love eating the rice porridge from Bonjuk
• I really hate to sweat, and I am doing a lot of it these days
• Sometimes I wish I could be in two places at once, so I could here in Seoul, and back home helping out my family.
• I'm not going to be a lawyer. I'm going to be a guidance counselor. Sorry mom!
• It's weird when my students try to grab me and rub my arms, like I am some pet.
• Summer=Ice cream to me
• Did I mention how freaked out I get by bugs? All logic and sense leave me...and I run away or scream...sometimes both. My students have witnessed this side of me, which is rather humiliating.
• I'm a closet proscrastinator
• My favorite song at the moment is Wakey! Wakey!'s "Light Outside"...
• Octopus scares me, so there is no way I can put it in my mouth
• I can't fall asleep without listening to music. First, because whoever lives above me has an annoying tendancy to move stuff around when normal people sleep. Second, it's the only way to shut my mind off besides writing
• I hate wearing high heels, and I don't know how the women here wear it everday like they are wearing sandals
• I'm kind of nervous/scared about traveling by myself to Japan/Jeju but at the same time I think it will be liberating to do this on my own. I'd rather have a friend or two with me, but even if they can't go I won't  let that stop me.
• Since being in Seoul, I've met a few women who have inspired me with their independence and youthfulness no matter their age. Sometimes age is really just a number...
• Currently listening to P.Diddy's Last Night on my ipod as I type this out:)
• In 3 months and 9 days I will be 23. To everyone, I'm just a baby, but I'm really excited about this birthday. Ever since I was twelve I hated my birthday. Bad things always happened around that time without fail every year. This year though, I have a lot of things to celebrate. Being alive, being healthy (will do my checkup in August), living in Seoul, and just coming into my own. I'm planning to celebrate it by going to Okinawa. A place I've wanted to go to for years.
• If you are not watching Glee, you should stop reading this and start:)
• It's funny how we are so sure who we are going to be, or who we want to be, and then it all changes. Being here and teaching my kids has opened my heart to what I really want to do after this chapter ends
• I don't think I will ever be a city girl
• I miss reading my Cosmo magazines
• I think halmonis here are so cute with their visors, and snarky attitudes. Muhahaha...unless they push me into the subway...so not cool
• Monday is the worst day of the week
• I miss being able to call my sister and vent to her about my day
• I love finding free furniture by my apartment
• When I need a break, I like going to parks and walking around
• Sometimes I wonder to myself, am I really here? Should I be here? What am I doing here?
• I love walking around my neighborhood. There are so many paths to take, so many places to discover. That's the thing I like most about life here, there are so many places I can go to, so many things I can see.
• Whenever I look up and see the blue sky and the sun shining down on me, I become lighter, happier, and I can't help but smile because it makes me feel closer to home.
• Sometimes you have to leave home, to return back to it.
• Lastly, I'll leave you with my favorite Eleanor Roosevelt quotes...
•  "The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." -Eleanor Roosevelt- 
• "People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built."
• "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot." 

Be blessed,
Lola O.

I think that is the best to describe my current state. I feel weird...not really like myself. I've been sick, not sick, and then sick again for a little over a week. I feel better today, just really tired and the rain isn't helping. I haven't been sleeping well for the past three days, and my appetite is fluctuating, especially at lunch time. I just feel weird inside and out and I am not really sure what my deal is.

I've also been feeling emotionally high and low. Like today, I was trying to eat lunch and then I felt like I ws either going to throw up or cry...or both. My mind feels cluttered but I have no idea why. Life is pretty stress-free and easy here. I think part of this weird feeling/vibe I have is that I've been feeling particularly homesick too. I miss my mom at the most random moments. I miss her hugs and just the comfort of having her near. I miss my sister, and being able to call her when I feel like it and know she'll pick up. I miss my bed. I miss my friends. I miss Arizona. A lot of my friends graduated this past weekend and I missed out on being a part of that.

I just feel down for no reason in particular, physically tired, and I just want to pause for a moment and catch my breathe. I've been recharging my batteries, but I think I need to change them out for a new pair. I guess I kind of just feel worn down. I'm very raw these days. One minute I can be laughing and the next I feel like crying. No, it is not that time of the month...this is just me feeling weird.

I'm hoping to get out of Seoul this weekend and go to Busan just to have a change of pace/place and see if that helps. I'm crossing my fingers that the KTX tickets are not all sold out. If so, I will try and go somewhere else. I just need a few days away. I'd like to read a book on the beach, and just see another part of Korea.

I'm in a funky mood today!!!

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

• I'm sick for the third time since I've been in Seoul...I've been here less than 3 months, so I really hope this isn't an indication of the next 9 months
• I am the leading lady and this is my story
• I love Korean traditional music, there is something very epic and beautiful about it
• Taking the bus isn't scary anymore
• Pizza, friends, and venting on a Sunday night is a wonderful thing
• Adjusshi's and Haraboji's staring at me like I have horns or something on the subway is tiresome
• I had Soju and Sake for the first time Saturday night, it led to some interesting moments
• Everyone in Seoul seems to be running while I am walking. I feel no rush to get somewhere. If I miss the train, there will be a new one in a few minutes...but people don't like waiting here
• Little kids pointing and saying look at the foreigner makes me feel like a circus act
• Home Plus=Students=Student+Parents=Lots of head bows and akwardness
• I still cannot get over how disgusting the spitting thing is...I've seen women do it too
• Liking guys with a girlfriend or boyfriend is setting yourself up for trouble
• I am determined to get a (blue/red) hanbok made for me before I leave Korea. They are so beautiful!
• When I let go of someone, I cut all forms of communication. It's the only way I can truly move on.
• Humidity/Sweating is my enemy
• I like how the kimbap adjumma knows what I want even before I get there...and has it ready with a smile and a hello. It makes my day.
• I set ten alarms in order to wake up in time for school every morning...I have never been a morning person
• Teaching is hard enough, I cannot imagine being a parent where it is a 24/7 lifetime job
• I feel homesick whenever I talk to my family on the phone...which means every weekend. At the same time it recharges my batteries whenever I speak to them and helps me remember who I am....we all need that reminder
• Couple t-shirts, rings, shoes..etc is only acceptable if you are under the age of 18 in my book
• I don't feel lonely anymore living alone...it's become my peaceful home away from home.
• There are too many girl/boy groups in Korea...gives me a headache...but I am starting to like 2PM a bit
• I don't know about Seoul/Korea having four seasons. When did spring come and go?
• Memories leave scars...its been over a month since the drunk adjusshi incident and I still check my door three times to make sure it is locked before I go to bed...I know it is locked but I still can't sleep without checking it.
• I gave my balloon to a kid of the subway, and his smile was contagious...seriously the kids here are super cute!!!
• Sia's "Breathe Me", and The Chemical Brother's "Dream On" have been on constant replay these days
• My face gives me away all the time...I need to develop a poker face
• I miss having a park around me...but Time's Square's rooftop garden is a good substitute
• I love my co-teachers, I feel lucky to have them!!!
• The 16 hour time difference between my loved ones and I is a pain in the butt when trying to call
• I'm a bit of a shopaholic...what can I say it's hereditary:)!
• It feels like I have been in Korea for a lot longer than I have
• I really love the mango juice I buy at Home Plus
• If you haven't seen Miso, you really should
• Smoothie King is pretty yummy:)
• I feel the most of out of my element when I am sitting in teacher's meetings without a clue about what's going on.
• I will never take Arizona weather for granted again
• I'm becoming more of a "go with the flow" kind of woman
• I really want to learn more Korean just so I can converse with the 6th grade teachers, they all seem so interesting and love to laugh.
• I got a package in the mail from my family, and it felt like a piece of home had come with it
• Itaewon is not my kind of place...but the caramel icecream I ate at some random convience store while there made up for it
• I always wear one of the rings my mom gave me because it makes me feel like my mom is with me wherever I go
• There is this white spaceship by the Han River...okay it is really an observatory but it looks like a spaceship!
• I cannot believe that my 6th graders are dating each other...they are so young!!!
• Currenty Elton John's Can You Feel The Love Tonight is playing on the radio...time to take out my Ipod:)!
• It feels like being single is a crime in Korea. The daily onslaught of couple mushiness is annoying
• Sometimes we forget that when one chapter in our life closes, another one will open. It might take some time, but it WILL open!!!
• Paint The Silence

This past Friday, I went with some friends to see the musical Nanta. I really enjoyed it, because it was all about the music and body language between the cast, there were very few words spoken in Korean/English, so you don't have to understand Korean to see it. It was funny, and a nice way to spend an evening. I was laughing and grinning the whole time. They really like getting the audience involved. The best part, was when I got chosen to go on stage and get married...rofl. Yeah, a very short Korean "wedding" took place. I was laughing the whole time because the guy they chose was someone I went to orientation with, and it was just funny being on stage. We got a little key chain for your phone, and a picture to keep.

 They don't let you take pictures, but I was able to take this one before the usher came...:)
This was taken before I got hitched...
After getting hitched:)...I think that chef holding my arm wants me to run away with him...he was pretty good looking:)

That's a wrap...look forward to more photo diary entries...

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” – Jack Kerouac

A few rainy days ago, I got off at my usual bus stop and was walking towards my school. When suddenly, one of the teachers at my school tapped me on my shoulder, and we started walking together towards the school. I was going along the usual road I take to school, when she told me of another way to get there, and took me on it. The road I take is steep, and by the time I get to school I am sweating a bit from the climb. However, it was the only road I knew that would get me to school...it was a guarantee that I wouldn't get lost along the way. The road she showed me was less steep, with lovely scenery along the way. It took the same amount of time to get to school, but it was a much nicer journey towards the same destination. As we walked she said to me there are several ways of getting to the school, but she likes taking this one. In my head I thought to myself, why did I never think/try to find another path to get to school.

That experience, got me thinking/reflecting (as usual) about life and the different roads we take or choose not to take towards some destination. Being my self-reflective self I thought about how I got to the road I am currently on, and the road I was on before this one. I thought about the future I had paved out for myself since I was twelve versus the present road I chose to travel on. The Law School Road vs. The Seoul Road.

I was traveling on a road that I had paved out for myself ever since I was twelve years old and doing mock courts in Social Studies. The plan was to go to college, get a degree in Finance (The College Road), next go to Law School and study corporate law, then practice law for 7 years or so, lastly achieve my 12 year old "dream" of becoming a Judge (The "Dream" Road). I was that kind of kid, the one who spends her days dreaming and planning out her future in every delicate detail. It was my way of being in control of something in my life. I thought to myself that this is something I can do well, this is something that will allow me to take care of my family (mom/siblings) in the future, this is something that will make my mom proud of me...this is something that will make me someone with purpose. I've spent the past 22 years of my life dreaming about how my future would/will be. I was so focused on achieving those things, that I never really got to experience was it means to be a kid. I felt like I had a lot of responsibilities, and didn't have time to play around.

I spent my childhood trying to be an adult, and now I am trying to be a child. Now it is time for me to play, to discover, to fail and pick myself back up again, to just live in the present without agonizing over the future. I've discovered that my future is a road that changes daily with every action or inaction I take, every choice I make or don't make, and all the things I do in the present. The Future Road, is layered with everything that happens in the here and now. I'm doing my best to not worry about the future, and just enjoy the present. That is what living is about. I'm 22 years old, but sometimes it feels like I am a newborn taking my first steps into this world. While at other times, I feel like I am older than I am. Sometimes I feel so naive and oblivious to things, because there is so much I haven't experienced, both good and bad. At the same time, I've experienced a lot of things. So these days I am telling myself to take care of me, discover what makes me happy/unhappy, what I want from myself and others, how do I imagine my life to be. I'm letting myself dream a dream just for me.

Life is about detours...

I'm traveling down The Seoul Road not just because it is a place I've wanted to go to. But because it's an opportunity for me to discover myself a little more. To get a deeper look into the layers that make me who I am and who I am not. I came here, because I knew that the road I was on was getting too bumpy. I needed a chance of pace, I needed time to figure myself out. I need time to be honest with myself about the person I want to be and the kind of future I wanted for myself. I needed time just for me, to hear my voice, and mine alone, and to give myself room to dream, breathe, and explore.

I wanted to stop trying to grow up so fast, and let myself be the 22 year old young woman I am. A young woman who still has a lot to learn, experience, and figure out. I wanted this chance to learn, make mistakes, explore, and learn some more. A chance to discover myself, create myself, and love myself. Coming to Seoul, was/is so much more than going abroad. It's the chapter in my life story that I am most excited to create. Because no matter what, this is the chapter that lets go of the past, and determines the next road I take in my life.

I'm not twelve years old anymore. My dreams have changed and in some ways stayed the same. I don't have the future figured out...I'm still working on the present. I might still end up at the same destination, but I am taking a different road now. I don't know how long I will stay on this one, or what the next road will bring. All I know is that I am traveling towards a constantly changing future on a road I have chosen to go on. I'm searching for, creating ,discovering, and seeking my happiness with every day that I get to be alive. Little by little I am figuring it out.

The past two years of my life have taken me through highs and lows, but I have learned so much about myself. The most important thing is being happy, and doing my best to make others happy. I've learned that I am stronger and weaker than I thought. I've learned that at the end of the day if I helped one person get a little closer to achieving their dreams then I will be fulfilled. I always wondered what my purpose was in this world, why was I created, and what should I do with the time I have here. Those were the kinds of questions running around in my head even when I was a kid. Little by little I am discovering that my meaning my life has is the one I give it. The life I choose to live defines that, and I know that I want to help others find their meaning, dream, and happiness. I'm not sure what that means career wise, but I believe that I am on my way to figuring that out. I don't need to be anything but happy with who I am, and how I am living my life. That's the perspective I am taking into my daily life. So I am going to do things my way, in my own time, and create the life I can be happy with. Not content, or settled, but happy! Really, truly, and beautifully happy with myself inside and out.

This detour that I am taking, is the best decision I ever made for me. This might lead to other detours, or just a new Dream Road to travel on. Or many dream roads to travel on. Why should we/I only have one dream? I'm going to keep dreaming for as long as I live. That's the thing about having a dream, it can change, expand , evolve, split...etc. It's something that changes as you change, grows as you grow. Just as you and I evolve, so do our dreams. That is something I recently realized. Just because I had a dream for my life at twelve, doesn't mean that is the only dream I will have or live by. I have so many questions and few if any
answers, but that is okay. I will figure it out in my own time and way. It feels good just breathing and living my life day by day. I know now what it means to feel happy, be happy with who you are, where you are going, and the life you are living.

For now I am going to be selfish and put myself first. I don't know how long this journey will take, or what places it will take me to. I just know that for now this is the road I need/want to be on. It's the road of self-discovery and creation. It's taken me this long to find it, and I have a feeling it is going to be a long ride...the forever kind. I'm sure there will be many roads along the way, since this is a lifetime kind of journey. I'm excited to travel along these roads of life. To learn, to see, to explore, to create, to fall and fail, to stand up again and triumph, to just be free to get on and off as I please. To live a life I have created just for me...

One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things. – Henry Miller

I hope when people read my blog, they see that. Yes, I am here to teaching, living, and traveling. But this is a journey that is more internal that external. This is a chapter in my life where I am the only one holding then pen. This blog isn't just about my life here in Seoul. It's about my life, and the discoveries I make as I live. I say all this because I know that there are people in this world like me, searching, wondering, trying to figure out what road to take, and my advice is follow your heart, go towards your happiness the best way you know how. Don't limit your dreams, or let other people choose it for you. This is your story, this is your life, so pick up that pen and start writing...

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

I've posted this song before, but I think it really suits this entry. In a way this song changed my life, the way I see things, and helped me to follow my heart...

It's 3:40 PM on Friday, and I have one hour before these week of teaching comes to an end. I'm sitting here listening to Gravity by my favorite band Coldplay, and for some reason at this moment this song really just pulls me in.

My mood has been full of highs and lows this week, and as I was sitting at home yesterday (my apartment is really starting to feel like home, I look forward to coming there) I was thinking about how I have been feeling pulled in different directions lately. I'm in Seoul for a year (not sure if I will stay longer) and I want to make the most of everyday, but that can be exhausting. I am constantly on the go, trying to cross things off my list that I am forgetting that living in Seoul is not just about sightseeing, it is about those daily things that give meaning to living. I've been so focused on making sure I am going to new places every week, and that I am doing new things every week, that I am not giving myself the time to enjoy those things I enjoy. More importantly I am not giving myself time to relax and do things I enjoy doing regardless of whether I am in Seoul or Arizona.

I feel like the clock is ticking, and I don't want to waste a single moment, but then I have to check myself and remind myself that just being here is something special. Every single day of me living in Seoul is important. Living abroad is not just about exploring a different country, but about exploring yourself as well. The latter is something I kind of let drift away, and am trying to get back. It might surprise people, but I am a very internal being. I spend a lot of time lost in thoughts and dreams inside of me. I'm always reflecting, thinking, analyzing, and sometimes criticizing on my life and the way I live it.

Sometimes it feels overwhelming, because there is so much to see and do, and there is so much I want to see and do, that I worry if I have enough time to do and see them all. Which is why I have been so focused on doing as much as possible. Which is probably why I felt so tired this week, and have been a little moody. So this weekend I am going to pull myself and take some me-time. I love to read, and haven't done any reading since I got here, or gone to the movies, or written any poetry, or just any of the things I really love to do to relax. So this weekend I am going to do those things today, and tomorrow, and then on Sunday I will go on the Seoul City Bus Tour with some friends.

I just needed to remind myself to take a step back and get myself centered again. It's like every once in awhile I have to tell myself to exhale, because I just want to inhale everything life has to offer these days. Which is a good and bad thing. I guess I had the feeling of if I don't take everything Seoul has to offer as soon as possible, then I might have regrets a year from now. However, like a friend said to me just being here is something to be proud of. There will always be something else to see or do, so I am going to do the things I like/love, and see sights I've wanted to see. I'm going to do things my way, and create my version of what it means to be living. Afterall, this is my story to tell.

Come next Monday I will have been in Korea for 2 months, it feels like I have been here longer. My foundation is starting to take shape, and I feel like my footing is becoming stable. Everyday is a learning experience filled with mistakes, triumphs, and kimchi:)! Thanks for going on this journey with me...

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

The hardest part of teaching for me, is when I have to give directions for an activity. Even the simplest directions can go wrong depending on...everything...

Just finished teaching for the day. Mondays and Tuesdays are my longest/worst teaching days. It is just nonstop, and I barely have time to rest or think. The only break time is during lunch time. It's not a big deal for me..just tiring. I know that once Tuesday is over, my week will only get better. Today has just been an extremely long Tuesday.

Lately, I have been feeling really tired no matter how much sleep I get. I'm not sure if it is all due to me being anemic, or because I am constantly doing something. Teaching definitely tires me out, but usually only when I am teaching 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders. They require a lot more energy (usually class management) than my 5th and 6th graders. Mondays and Tuesdays are mixed days for me. I teach 3rd (M(1)/T(2)), 5th( T(4)), and 6th (M(3)) plus I have two hours of afterschool on Mondays. By the time I get home on those days I just want to eat and sleep the rest of the day away.

Okay, so today I had my 3rd graders, two classes first thing in the morning. They were loud, cute, and fun as usual. Then I had four classes of 5th graders the rest of the day. We were doing the last period of Lesson 3, and I was in charge of the game part. Basically it was an information gap activity where the students had two strips of paper with object names on it (pen, book, bag..etc). They had two identical pictures. In the first picture, they can place the objects wherever they want. Then in the second picture they have to ask each other Where is the (object)? and then place the object where their partner tells them. So the first picture matches the other student's second picture.

Only the first class understood how to do this activity, in the other three classes it was confusion upon confusion. I felt mostly frustrated with myself. I really wished that I spoke Korean well enough to help them understand what I am saying. I know a bit of Korean, so it helped in the end, but honestly I can understand and relate to the kids being frustrated when they don't understand something. I took Korean for a semester in college and sometimes I would have those same blank stares of confusion mixed with frustration. I don't want the kids to rely on Korean to understand what is going on in their English class, but I do believe using some Korean is a good idea when all else fails. Most of the time we only use English unless it is a hard activity. This activity turned out to not be as easy as we had thought.

I explained the directions one more time, and basically pointed at the picture going cut strips, stick stick, anywhere in Korean. Then after they did that, I explained the second part. In the end (after three variations of the directions) it worked out, since my co-teacher and I walked around  and helped them as they did it. I don't know I just felt a little bit like a failure today. My energy is gone, and my mood is a pale blue right now.

Inside I was feeling all frustrated, and thinking about how I can be a better teacher next class, when some of the students came up to me with their big smiles, and happy faces. Giving me high fives and saying "See you on Friday!!!" Their happy smiles were/are contagious and I returned them feeling a bit lighter.

I realized two things today...
One, teaching is full of stumbling blocks both as the teacher, and as the student. We have to decide whether or not we are going to stay down, or rise up and try again next time. I'm going to try again next time, and take the things I noticed and learned today with me.

Two, communication isn't just about words. My body language and attitude make a big difference. I want to do my best to stay positive for myself and my students. I want them to understand that I understand it can/will be confusing and frustrating at times, but no matter what trying is better than not trying.

I hope my students are learning from me as much as I am learning from them. I am thankful for their positivity, smiling faces, and enthusiasm everyday. I guess I've had it pretty easy so far, because today is the first day I have felt like this. I know that there will be more days where things are a little off kilter, I just hope they will be few and far between.

This is just one of many moments where I am stumbling an figuring out how to get back up again. I know other expats that are teachers can relate to this feeling of failing their students. So any tips or advice would be great. Less than two hours to go, I think I will watch something funny after dinner with a friend. Laughter, always makes me feel better. That, and dessert:)! Thanks for reading...kind of a somber post.

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

Welcome To Gumcheon-gu!!! One day I randomly did a photo tour, there is so much more to see so expect more. I think Seoul/Gumcheon-gu is a place that truly comes alive at night!

When I first got here, I was like this is it? Well, I hadn't really had a chance to walk around when I came to that incorrect realization. Almost two months later, I have to say I love where I live. It's a nice place to live during the week, and get away from during the weekend. It's quiet, and seems like a safe area. There are lots of families, food markets, cafes, a movie theater, Home Plus, and Lotte Mart. In addition and plenty of restaurants, and street food to keep me happy.




 More Photos...

PS: Can I say I love all the free furniture by the trash area, just scored me a free dresser. Might get a free tv too. Score!!!

Music Time: Really digging this song right now!!!

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

A little less than an hour before I am done for the day. I wanted to write a blog entry about the feeling I've got inside of me right now. A feeling of peace, understanding, but mostly a feeling of being comfortable in a very good way.

A few days ago I was was walking back to my apartment, and the path to my apartment has this long one way path for cars, and as I walked down the path I thought with a smile how I feel really comfortable right now. About living in Seoul, life in general, and the uncertainty of my future. It's hard to describe this feeling that has come over me, but there is a sense that no matter what happens literally and metaphorically over the next year and beyond I will figure it out bit by bit along the way. I will overcome, and I will be better for the experience.

When I first got to Korea, everything was so instant and blurry that it took my breath away. Even with all the stuff I knew about Korea, I still got shocked, frustrated, and lost at times. Isn't that like life? No matter how much we think we know, there is still so much more for us to learn. Even though we know a lot, there are always new things, different ways, and etc for us to learn. It's been a little over a month, and I am feeling comfortable. Not because I have everything figured out, but because I have that belief in myself that I can and will figure it out one day at a time, one step at a time, one experience at a time, one failure/success at a time.

I was telling my mom that this is a comfortable kind of happiness with myself. I don't have all the answers, but if I keep asking questions and gaining wisdom I will gain more answers and have less questions to ask. Is this what it means to "grow up" or to my words "grow into oneself." Nothing is perfect, I have my bad days like everyone else, I get frustrated, and mess up like every human being, but even then I have this confidence that somehow it will all work and end up being the best thing for me.

If you've been reading my blog from the beginning, then you know everything I went through last August. Life seems more vibrant now, and I don't take it for granted. I don't forget about my own happiness anymore. I don't follow a path that I didn't choose for myself. I don't let fear paralyze me anymore from trying, discovering, or exploring. I don't worry about the details to the point that I never take that leap of chance. I just tell myself that if I get lost, I will eventually find my way. If I make a mistake, I will learn from it and be better the next time. If I fail, then I still have things I need to learn before I try again. If I get hurt, I just have to let myself heal and try again. If I get scared, then I just need to remember how I got here in the first place and what I went through along the way. If I get swept up into madness, and lose myself a little bit. I just have to take a step back and reflect on who I am and what I want for myself.

Those are the thoughts/feelings that seem to engulf me these days. Someone said that "happiness is a perspective we choose to take into our daily lives." Everyday I am shaping, exploring, and discovering my happiness. It is journey filled with many paths, obstacles, and choices, but it is one I am happy to take on. I feel good inside, and it is a feeling I am holding onto, protecting, and enjoying. I hope all of you are also finding those things in your life here in Seoul or in your part of this world that makes you feel good.

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

P.S. This song always puts me in a good mood. So stop what you are doing and just stop what you are doing, stop thinking, stressing, or moping around and rock out to...I  Gotta Feeling...

Hello everyone: I am Olabamidele Oluwadamilola Olanubi..but my friends call my Dele. I have always liked Lola O. as a pen name so I decided to use it for my time in Seoul; a place that will be a new beginning for me.

I am 21 years old and have just graduated from the University of Arizona in good old Tucson with a degree in Finance. I know what your thinking...why is a finance major going to teach English in South Korea. I am getting there so just be patient. I am a Nigerian-American, middle-child, Smallville fanatic, Korean drama/music lover, child of God, Coldplay loving young woman looking to challenge myself to do something a little crazy, very different, but most of all life-altering with this decision to go and teach in Seoul.

It all started about two years ago when I started working with international students in the Business Communications Department at my college. I was a communications coach which means I tutored students on their presentation, oral, and writing skills. Around that time my friend Flo was talking about going to Japan after college to teach English.

*The Epic Moment*
As she talked about going to Japan I began to feel wistful and said to her that I wished I could go to South Korea to teach English and visit her in Japan. Being the smart and wonderful person that she is she said to me that I should go for it. She planted the seed and the idea took root in my head and blossomed into my dream of going to South Korea and teaching English. It wasn't until that simple yet profound moment that I realized I could make this happen. I could go to South Korea for an extended period of time and use teaching as my meal ticket.

The idea was still a little hazy but it was there and that was the most important thing. Now, prior to this Epic Moment I had been well versed in the Korean world as far as drama, music, and culture went through the wonderful Google search engine. My very first kdrama was Full House and after that I was hooked in everything Korean except the food since I had never had an opportunity to eat Korean food other that kimchi.

*The Double Rejection*
Okay, so after this epic moment I started doing my research on different ways to teach in Seoul. I stumbled on the Fulbright ETA program, and the Henry Luce program applied for both over the span of several months. I ended up being rejected by both in the span of two days. I was crushed because it felt like my dream was lost. However, in hindsight I realized that being rejected was exactly what I needed. You see I hadn't been pursuing my true dream all along.

Originally I had wanted to challenge myself to go on my own, but the idea of the support network that came with the two programs was very appealing. I had been scared to follow my dream and so things fell apart.

*Everything Happens For A Reason*
After my weekend of pity partying, I started fresh and began delving into opportunities to teach in either a public school or a private school. I ultimately decided public school was the way to go after reading this blog entry: Ginger's Official Guide...

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and getting rejected gave me the drive to truly go after this opportunity. I knew I wanted to teach in Seoul and applied for a position with SMOE using Korea Connections as my recruiter. I had two interviews, turned in my application, references, and etc before I got the job offer and accepted it.

*Limbo*
If there is one piece of advice for me to give you it would be that having patience will make it all better. Right now I am chilling at home in Phoenix after graduating from college a few weeks ago. I am waiting for my contract so I can get the visa and flight stuff rolling. I am kind of bored with all this free time on my hands but at least it gives me time to update this blog.

So that is my story for the most part...ohh one more thing. The reason I want to live and teach in Seoul is because I want to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself to really do it and take all the good/bad that comes with my decision to go. I am 21 years old and I want to grow into a better, wiser, and more courageous woman. What better way to do that than to take a risk, get on plane, go to a foreign country and teach English!

If you have questions don't hesitate to ask me!



Bi Rain: Oh Yeah ft Ai....Bi Rain was in the first Korean drama I saw which was Full House so he holds a special place in my heart when it comes to Korean stuff:)

Best,
~Lola O.~