It's 2:37 PM on Sunday, and I have only been awake/up for about 3 or 4 hours. I've been enjoying sleeping in, even with weird-filled dreams. That awesome night of peaceful sleep is a distant memory. I usually don't dream (or at least I wake up with no memory of them), but lately I have been dreaming, and they all feature people in my life, but they are weird and sometimes scary, and I don't really know what's up with them.

I had Friday off, which was much needed. I slept in, spent the day watching Gossip Girl (don't judge me..muhaha), downloading Asian dramas (need to restore my collection), eating tons of junk food, and avoiding calling home. I knew the funeral was the day after (Friday, AZ time) and I just didn't know what to say, and yes a part of me wishes this wasn't really happening, and by not calling I could avoid the reality of...everything for a little while. I eventually called my Big Mommy, and left her a voicemail telling her I loved her, and for her not be too sad or cry to much, because we all love her....I was glad she didn't pick up. I feel like if I talk to her, I won't be able to keep being strong. I hope she got my voicemail before Friday, and I hope it made her smile. Eventually, I will make that phone call, but when I'm ready.

I went to sleep Friday morning knowing that when I woke his funeral would be over, he'd really be gone forever, and that weighed on my mind. I knew that he was already gone, and that it was just his body left behind. It's just still unreal to me, and sometimes I find myself shocked once again that this really happened, that he really died. I don't cry these days, I just smile in a nostalgic and bittersweet way. I miss him, and I know missing feeling won't go away, but I do know it will get easier. I hope they read my letter to him. I can't wait to go home in March, to give my Big Mommy a long overdue hug, and to visit his grave and be able to finally say my goodbyes. Just to be able to spend some time with him in my own way.

I've been avoiding calling my family too, I just don't want to talk about it, but at the same time I do. I woke up late on Saturday and spent the day cleaning, listening to Paper Route's albums, and cooking. I cooked shrimp fried rice, and it turned out pretty good. I also made a chocolate milkshake and that was yummy. I want to make smoothies with the blender I bought. Lately, I've been cooking more, and trying to learn how to cook like my mom and Grandma. I've always liked cooking, but it's so much better to cook for others than just me. Sometimes I want to knock on my neighbors' doors and ask them to eat with me, but at the same time I'm wondering if I'll regret that in the end. I've been thinking of doing a pancake brunch at my place with some friends, I think it would be fun. Eating is so much more than putting food into one's mouth, for me it's about the conversations, the laughter, and most of all the sharing. I like the sharing aspect of Korean dining.

I realized yesterday that I hit the 6 months in Korea on July 26th, and how I wasn't particularly elated or excited about it. I thought to myself, what's wrong with me? It's like my spark has disappeared. When's the last time I went exploring? Took photos of things I liked? When's the last time I really had a fun time? Life has been crazy the last month and more like the last 2 months. I don't feel like taking photos, and I don't feel like going out exploring, which is a problem because the whole point of being in another coutry is about the adventure and discover of it. I guess that is why I'm not exactly thrilled about my vacation plans right now. Planning isn't fun, and my thoughts are elsewhere. I'm trying to get my spark back, find my way back to finding things that ignite that enthusiasm in me.

I'm enjoying learing more Korean with my tutor, we have a lot in common, and it has been going well. More like hanging out with learning involved, than straight up tutoring. Either way she has been motivating me to learn more, and take Korean more seriously. Last week she bought me a notebook, saying that when she was learning English her friend bought her a notebook to put all her notes in in the hopes that when it was filled she'd be well versed in English. Seriously, it was a really sweet moment, and it was one of the moments I really smiled and enjoyed myself in weeks. I don't want to let her down, and I don't want to let myself down. I love the Korean language, and hope to be fluent one day, whether I am in Korea or not that passion is still there.

Which brings me to passion. Lately I have been thinking about life and what I feel passionate about. What are those things I do or want to do that drives me, makes me passionate? I want to be passionate about life. to live my life with passion, because otherwise what's the point? My first thought was I don't know, and then after a while it became 1) Writing 2) Spending my life helping others (in a concrete way) 3) Music. There are other things that I care about, but the things I love for myself, the things I enjoy the most, are those three things. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to combine my passions into a career, but I think sometimes passions are just meant to be enjoyed for what they are, and not what they can give you in a monetary way. I know that I definitely want to become a couselor/therapist now (I'm not really sure about the details but I know it is in that area), and writing can definitely have a part there. Music, well that one is just for me, to enjoy in my secret moments. I am determined to learn how to play the acoustic guitar before I turn 30, I just need someone to teach me, which is kind of hard to find in a foreign country.

I'm just glad to finally really know for the most part what I want to do with my time here, and instead of pretending I want something I don't, or I am someone I'm not I'm embracing who I am, now. I'm changing, growing, and finding/creating my place in this world. At the end of the day I'm the one who has to deal with my choices, and if I'm not happy then again what's the point? This is my life, and I am the one who has to live it. There's still a lot I don't know, a lot of questions with no answers. There's still a lot of "issues" I have to work out, but I'm getting there. Slowly, but surely I'm getting there. Lately, I've been reminded of why I came here, because I wanted to live my life differently. I wanted room to grow, to change, to fall and pick myself up again, to experience life in a different way. I came here for me, to discover, create, and find me. Even on bad days, even in moments when everything feels tense, I'm still doing that, and that is something to be proud of.

One thing I'm working on is giving myself more credit, being proud of myself for the small things/moments and not just the big ones. Enjoying the quiet revelations. Simple isn't bad. Ordinary isn't boring. There is beauty and passion in all of it. I just have to open my mind to it. It's been 6 months since I got here. Six months since I left home for something unknown, and I wouldn't trade these 6 months for anything. Being here has been the best thing I did for myself, even in the bad or sad moments. I'm living a dream, and discovering more. I'm losing and finding myself over and over again. I'm shaping myself and being shaped by others.

I'm looking forward to the next six months here. I'm looking forward to more discoveries, adventures ,and quiet moments. I'm looking forward to seeing the changes that take place in me, how I live, how I see life. I'm looking forward to...everything. Hopefully, if everything goes well I'll be around for one more year before this chapter of my life ends and the next one begins...

This is my story, and I'm going to write it for me. I'm going to make my dreams come true, and live my life the way I've imagined it to be. The past 6 months have been a lot about shedding the old me, for someone new, but I've realized that I don't need to become someone completely new. I just have to become a better, happier, and more passionate version of me. I'm still me at the end the day, just with a bit more color and certainty.

Here's to the next 6 months, and for everything that comes after. Thanks to everyone who believed in me, and helped me get here, let's go even farther...



Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

"Thanks Big Daddy for believing in my dream(s) and helping me get here. You are a part of me, wherever I am, and wherever you are. I love you, I miss you, and I'm always thankful for you."

With love,

So after my last semi-sad post life took a nice upswing. I danced the night awayin Hongdae on Thursday. Had a picnic in Olympic park on Friday, went shopping in Myeon-dong on Saturday (got some great deals), and had brunch and found a book to read on Sunday. Life was going well and seemed like things were getting better. My head felt less foggy and I was finding my clarity again.

Yeah, in the next moment everything changed. But that is life, a moment to moment kind of journey. I felt a bit yucky on Sunday but thought it was just the rainy weekendI woke up Monday morning feeling like death has run over me, but being me I headed to school. I have never taken a sick day in all the years I've been working. I know, I'm stubborn. Well I got through Monday...barely. I thought with a good night's sleep I'd be fine on Tuesday (I slept from 5pm to 7am). Nope, on Tuesday I woke up feeling even more crappy, but determined to make it through school and then find myself a doctor with the help of another teacher.

I mean this is the fourth time in 3 months that I've been sick. I think it has a lot to do with the constantly changing weather, the germs that run rampant with all these kids, and just adjusting to a new place. It turns out I have tonsillitis, not sure if it is acute or chronic or whatever. Everything hurts, my body aches, my whole throat is swollen which makes eating a pain, I keep coughing like its my purpose in life, and I just want to curl up and sleep. All I've been doing is sleeping for the past few days, and that is what the doctor says I need, lots of rest. He also said no talking, but my job is all about me talking. I have open class on Friday, and am hoping to be better by then. I wanted to take sick leave today, but I have afterschool and tomorrow is practicing for the open class. I would feel bad to leave it all in the hands of my co-teacher and wing it on Friday. So I am sticking it out, and planning for a weekend of resting in my apartment to regain my strength. There is something about being sick that makes me homesick. If I was home, my grandma would be watching over me till I felt better. I come a family of nurses so I know I'd be in good hands back home.

I feel a bit at fault that it got this bad. The doctor was looking at me like wow, this is serious. I kind of have a fear of going to the doctor ever since last August, just because it tends to end of being really bad. Even so, I should have went after I got sick for the second, or even third time instead of waiting till it got this bad. I didn't think I would get sick again, but still I should have gotten it checked out. I always had a sore throat each time, and it should have clued me in to what could have/was going on. I also felt nervous about going to the doctors here alone, not sure whether they would speak English or not. Everyone seems to think/say that most doctors speak English here...who knows. I definitely would like to find a regular doctor I feel comfortable with, and one that specializes in stomach issues.

Lesson learned, don't be like me and wait till the last minute to see a doctor whether you are in Korea, or back home, or wherever you are in this world:). I'm really thankful that I had a Korean teacher with me, so don't be afraid to ask a co-worker or Korean friend to tag alone. My biggest concern was that I cannot have anti-inflammatory medications like aspirin and the like (which ruled out a lot of the meds he wanted to give me) so it was nice having someone there to make that crystal clear to him. If you have an allery or whatever it is write it all done and let them see it. It will make things hopefully a lot easier and smoother if they can see it, especially the medical terminology.

One thing I am learning among so many, is that everything here or anywhere is moment to moment, breathe, to breathe, minute to minute,...and so on. One moment life is good, and in the next moment things can go on a different path but it doesn't neccesarily have to be a bad thing. I feel like I am getting back to my pretty cheerful self again. The sun shining brightly outside today really helps to lift my spirit and my overall attitude. My students really helped, so many told me to feel better, and one kid drew this super cute picture of me...it just made me smile.

So like someone told me, on the bad days just remember all the good days, good memories, and why you came here in. My advice to myself and you is that bad days will come, but they will also go, so will the good days. Hopefully/Most likely there will be more good ones that bad ones. One moment in a series of moments doesn't have to define your whole outlook. It's just a moment that disappears before you know it. I know if a few days I will feel physically better just as I feel emotionally/mentally better these days.

I owe all of you soooo many pictures. So since I plan on staying in this weekend, look forward to more photo diaries and less of me whining:)...lol. I hope your day is going well, and if you are sick like me feel better sooj. Sending positive thoughts your way.....can you feel them:)?

EDIT:
I totally spaced out that today marked 3 months in Korea. It feels like I have been here a lot longer, which is a mostly good feeling. I feel comfortable with my life here. I like the independence I have, and I like figuring life out on my own terms and in my own way. I've realized though, that no matter how long I stay here, no matter how much Korean I learn, no matter...I will never fit in here. It's not even that I want to fit in, I guess I just don't want to stand out so much. I don't want to be stared at, and pointed at like a side show act at the circus. I need to learn more Korean, but learning more Korean won't make me Korean. I don't want to be Korean, but my point is I will never belong or be fully accepted here. Every Monday I sit with all the other teacher's in the meeting, and I just zone out. I have no idea what is said, or what they are laughing about. I'm just there taking up space wondering why they make me come in the first place. Same thing on Fridays, I really wish I could talk more with the other 6th grade teachers (they all seem like cool ladies) but I can't. I just sit there, eating the yummy food and smiling when they look my way with a face that says she must be so bored, and in my head I reply yes. I like how things are right now for the most part, and hope each month is filled with discoveries, adventures, growth, and most of all just me shaping myself and being shaped into the person/woman I want to be. I'm finding that person(me) to be clearer as time goes by.

At the end of the day I am glad to be here, and am doing this. Korea like every country isn't black and white. It's filled with shades of gray, some a little darker, others are little lighter.

PS. My Korean name for the time being is 하늘 (Sky)....as chosen by my afterschool kids and I. They also liked Moon, Hair, Bulgogi, Kimchi, Dukbokki...etc. It was like they wanted to turn me into a food and eat me:)!

Check out: We Own The Sky

Be Blessed
~Lola O.~

It's 3:40 PM on Friday, and I have one hour before these week of teaching comes to an end. I'm sitting here listening to Gravity by my favorite band Coldplay, and for some reason at this moment this song really just pulls me in.

My mood has been full of highs and lows this week, and as I was sitting at home yesterday (my apartment is really starting to feel like home, I look forward to coming there) I was thinking about how I have been feeling pulled in different directions lately. I'm in Seoul for a year (not sure if I will stay longer) and I want to make the most of everyday, but that can be exhausting. I am constantly on the go, trying to cross things off my list that I am forgetting that living in Seoul is not just about sightseeing, it is about those daily things that give meaning to living. I've been so focused on making sure I am going to new places every week, and that I am doing new things every week, that I am not giving myself the time to enjoy those things I enjoy. More importantly I am not giving myself time to relax and do things I enjoy doing regardless of whether I am in Seoul or Arizona.

I feel like the clock is ticking, and I don't want to waste a single moment, but then I have to check myself and remind myself that just being here is something special. Every single day of me living in Seoul is important. Living abroad is not just about exploring a different country, but about exploring yourself as well. The latter is something I kind of let drift away, and am trying to get back. It might surprise people, but I am a very internal being. I spend a lot of time lost in thoughts and dreams inside of me. I'm always reflecting, thinking, analyzing, and sometimes criticizing on my life and the way I live it.

Sometimes it feels overwhelming, because there is so much to see and do, and there is so much I want to see and do, that I worry if I have enough time to do and see them all. Which is why I have been so focused on doing as much as possible. Which is probably why I felt so tired this week, and have been a little moody. So this weekend I am going to pull myself and take some me-time. I love to read, and haven't done any reading since I got here, or gone to the movies, or written any poetry, or just any of the things I really love to do to relax. So this weekend I am going to do those things today, and tomorrow, and then on Sunday I will go on the Seoul City Bus Tour with some friends.

I just needed to remind myself to take a step back and get myself centered again. It's like every once in awhile I have to tell myself to exhale, because I just want to inhale everything life has to offer these days. Which is a good and bad thing. I guess I had the feeling of if I don't take everything Seoul has to offer as soon as possible, then I might have regrets a year from now. However, like a friend said to me just being here is something to be proud of. There will always be something else to see or do, so I am going to do the things I like/love, and see sights I've wanted to see. I'm going to do things my way, and create my version of what it means to be living. Afterall, this is my story to tell.

Come next Monday I will have been in Korea for 2 months, it feels like I have been here longer. My foundation is starting to take shape, and I feel like my footing is becoming stable. Everyday is a learning experience filled with mistakes, triumphs, and kimchi:)! Thanks for going on this journey with me...

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

It's 3:38 AM in the morning, my heart is racing, and I am trembling a little bit from fear. I woke up to the sound of someone pounding on my door and screaming stuff in Korean. It totally shocked me out of sleep. I looked in the intercom and saw the face of some random adjussi, who was clearly intoxicated. I ignored it, hoping he would just leave. He kept ringing to intercom like 5 times, screaming into it. I stood there, not sure what to do, and freaking out a little bit. He kept on trying to force the door open. Thank God for the three locks on the door, there was no way he would be able to get in. I got fed up, and told him in Korean to stop, and move away from my door, why are you acting like a crazy idiot. He kept ringing it so, I pressed the red button on my intercom, not really sure what would happen, but that my neighbor said to press it in an emergency, and this sure seemed like one. The security guard came, and I opened the door, but with the chain so I could just see through, and then the drunk adjussi came around the corner, and was smoking (I felt so much anger in that one moment, I shot him a death glare). He realized his error, and left to find his own apartment. I feel bad for whoever is there to meet his disgustingly drunk self. All dressed in a suit, but a total idiot. I think I am so angry, because he made me feel so afraid inside, and freak out to the point that I even found myself trembling. How dare he cause me to be afraid of living in Korea, and living alone. Ahhh...stupid drunk adjussi, now I cannot fall asleep, and I still have a good 3 hours before I need to get ready for work.

I feel better after writing that out, but I think I will leave the lights on for the rest of the night. I guess this will go in one of my bad experiences in Korea, but it won't keep me down, and I sure as heck won't let someone idiot make me feel fearful.

AJA AJA Fighting!!!
~Lola O.~

I tend to be an excessive worrier when it comes to changes in my life. I try to plan and control every little detail, and so when there is so much that is out of my control it freaks me out. I used to be a hardcore perfectionist, and have learned to let go slowly, but there is still that worrier inside of me that I need to let go of completely.

Writing has always been my form of therapy, so I am going to tell you with complete honesty all about the things I am worried and fearful about when it comes to traveling, living, and teaching in Seoul.

Airport/Flying: I have a serious anxiety problem when it comes to airports/flying. I won't go to the airport to pick someone up or drop them off unless someone goes with me, and that someone also drives. Airports freak me out because 1) They are huge and complicated structures, there are so many twists and turns and I hate it 2) Checking in is the biggest pain in the world, because something is always screwed up. For me I am worried about my luggage. Will they get lost? Will they be overweight? I am planning to bring 3 suitcases because trying to fit my life into two suitcases wasn't happening so I am doing it with 3 and although it will be a bit of a pain getting it through the airport it will be worth it once I am settled in my apartment. Going through security makes me anxious because you have to take things out, take shoes off, and you have this whole line of people behind you...you can tell I am freaked out by moving crowds huh!! :( Lastly, I am not a huge fan of flying, I always end up wondering if I am going to make it back to land. Whenever there is turbulence I start getting panicky and praying we land safe and sound. Landing is the scariest part for me though, my stomach is doing flip flops and I just concentrate on breathing. I do my best to fall asleep and stay asleep through out the flight...so you can see why I am a worried about this close to a day journey to Seoul.

Living: Anyone looking into teaching in Seoul hears some kind of horror story about someone's apartment and I am worried that I might end up having an apartment like that. I could care less how small or large my apartment is because I am used to small spaces. My worry is the cleanliness of the place and the accessibility of it to other places. I know I will make the most of whatever place I end up in but I just hope it is a decent place. I would have to say my biggest worry/fear about living is Seoul is whether or not I will be able to adjust well to living there. Will I hate it? Will I be crazy homesick? Will it feel really lonely? Will I make good friends? Those sort of worries that come with moving to a new place come to mind.

Teaching: This is probably my biggest area of worry just because I have this huge responsibility ahead of me and I don't want to mess it up. I have had teaching experience in both small and large numbers, but there is just so many unknowns like grade level, co-teachers (biggest worry), school expectations, and most of all available resources. I am pretty much going to be thrown into this situation and I wonder if I will sink or swim. I'm just worried about how exactly I am going to teach my students and teach them well.

Other: Some questions that run through my mind every now and then:
-Am I doing the right thing?
-Is this what I should be doing?
-Will I be safe there?
-Am I bringing too much stuff?
-Will people like me, will I like them?
-What the hell am I getting myself into?

I've always been a thinker, and so that leads to over-thinking and excessive worrying. I have learned that writing it down helps me get perspective and clear up the fogginess in my head. In spite of all my worries and fears about going to Seoul I still believe that this is what I want to do in this moment of my life. I know things won't be perfect, and I will make mistakes along the way, hell I meet even fail quite a bit, but in the end this journey will be worth every stumble along the way.

Next on Journey To Seoul: Things I Am Looking Forward To...