Hello everyone:)! How has your week been?

So far so good for me. I am elated that it is Friday. I've been getting my days mixed up all week, and just realized that it was Friday. I don't have any exciting plans for the weekend but I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow, making myself a yummy breakfast, and exploring a bit. Sunday will just be church, and relaxing at home.

It's been a bit since my last post but life hasn't had any radical changes. This year is turning out to be a quieter one so far, and I'm liking it. I've been doing this year in a lower key so far. Just hanging out with friends, working, writing, a lot of self reflection, and cooking. I'm trying to get more cooking and have been trying out new recipes. Last night I made dinner ( pasta w/ a homemade meat sauce and a salad). I was really hapy and pround of myself for not being lazy and eating something premade. There is joy in cooking yourself a meal. I put some music on, and let it be the soundtrack to my cooking adventure. It turned out pretty well. Tonight I'm going to try out a sweet mashed potato recipe I found with the leftovers of my curry shrimp rice. I might try some baking on Sunday if I can get the energy for it. These days I feel tired all the time. I think it's because my mind tends to always be cluttered and I can't figure out how to turn its switch off.

I feel like these days I'm a bit boring, but then I have to laugh because it's okay to be boring to others if I'm happy with myself, and I am. This year I'm going to try to see as much as I can in Korea but also in the world around me. To explore my immediate environment and find things to love about it. I want to carry my camera around and take photos of everyday things I find interesting. I want to go on walks around parts of Seoul I have not been to, and weekend trips to other parts of Korea. I have a trip coming up in May that I'm looking forward to. This month I'm on a tight budget because I used my bonus to make myself debt-free. I'm really happy about that. Now I can focus on saving money for my future somethings.

A few randoms...
On Wednesday as I walked to the bus stop some of my students came up to me. These two adjummas were getting into a scuffle. It was really uncomfortable to see. I always feel embarrased by that because I just don't see things like that back home. All the men that were around just stood around as they screamed and hit each other. One adjumma was really beating the other one up. I didn't stay, and I told my students they better get their butts home too. Honestly, I just think there is no reason to be acting like that at any age. Settle differences with words and not fists. They were really going at it, and I can't believe none of the people around tried to help settle things. The men just watched like they were at some fight placing bets. I think that is what made me really mad. If I were to butt in no one would listen to me because I'm younger and a foreigner but they could have stepped in and brought it to a resolution. They didn't.

On Thursday as I walked to school this grandfather started walking next to me, and then we started talking. He has a daughter in San Jose and has been to America many times. His grandson is studying political science and wants to be a lawyer. It made me smile because he was just so excited and happy telling me about his family. I felt bad because a teacher stopped and gave me a ride the rest of the way so our conversation ended abruptly and he seemed a bit sad. I hope I run into him again. I used to feel bothered by the random attention on the way to and from school, but then I realized their is a certain beauty in those stand alone moments. They come and they go, and most of the time they leave me feelin brighter. I've always appreciated the wisdom and beauty of old people. Most people my age feel uncomfortable with them, but I always enjoy talking to them. I find them cute, wise, and I love their stories and words of advice. Maybe it's because I've always felt like an old soul...

Actually this week has been one of random ecounters. I was running late coming home and ran into another foreigner who lives 3 floors up and is from Brooklyn. I had seen her at the bus stop a few weeks back and never saw her after. Only to find that we live in the same building. I love when stuff like that happens. We'll be having dinner soon. She seems like a cool chick. Then on Wednesday after the adjumma smackdown I met a friend for dinner and we went to church. On the way in I saw this familiar looking girl. I only saw her side profile and she was with a familiar looking guy. I recognized them from ziplining and we ended up sitting next to each other. Small world again. It was such a coincidence because it was both of our first times coming on Wednesday and we attend Sunday service at different times.

I love when life conspires like that to give you an opportunity to meet new people and see where it leads. You never know until you give them a try. So we shall see what happens there. I am a firm believer that coincidence is just life giving you a chance to see what could be. This week has been one of coincidences and discovery. At least more than usual.

I'm still a bit homesick. It's slowly leaving my system. I'm falling in love with my life here all over again, and remembering to be thankful for this moment, and to live in the here and now. To stop worrying about a year from now and start reveling in a day from now. Life is in the present. My life is in these moments that make up my today. I want to be excited and hungry for all the todays I get. My life is in the choices and experiences I make now. I don't want to miss out on it because I'm so wrapped up in the future. I always remind myself that the future is created by my present. The future is always transforming and growing as I do. It's not decided or static. It's like a never ending canvas of possibility. I like it that way...

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~



I won't dwell baby on my failures
It won't help baby it won't bring changes
I won't run baby when all I want is to run
I won't forget the morning's sure to come

We think we've got forever to do, say, and give the things we want. When the truth is tomorrow or even all of today isn't gauranteed to us. After I got sick in 2009 I started to realize how precious my life is. How fragile and unexpected life is. It made me live more. It made me try harder. It made me braver. It made me kinder. It continues to make me wiser. Life is only going to be as good as you make it, as good as you choose for it to be. So my wish and hope is that you have no regrets. No skeletons in your closet. No unsaid words that live on in your heart. No I wish I dids. Just no regrets that leave you in an ocean of wonder of what could have been if only I'd said this, done that, given...

Last night a few friends and I had another goodbye dinner for a friend leaving for the States. On my way home I saw this old man trying to put this huge tv on his cart while everyone just passed by him. Even I walked past him looking at him but then I stopped. I turned around, walked back and told him let's do it together. He smiled in thanks and a bit of surprise. The two of us lifted that heavy tv onto his cart. I smiled at him, and he thanked me, and I went to my apartment. I knew I had done the right thing. It didn't take much time from my life to help him out. It wasn't just the right thing to do, it was the kind thing to do. That's the kind of person I want to always be. Someone who gives not because she has to but because it is the kind and right thing to do.

This morning I called my family to wish my Big Mummy and my cousin a happy birthday. I called my Big Mummy first, and it felt so good to take some time to make her laugh and smile. To let her know even through the distance I remembered her day. As I talked to her I realized how important it is to do little things like this. To take or make time in our days to let the people in our lives know how much we love them, how knowing them makes life so much better. After, I called my cousin, he's been my big brother since we were kids. When I called his voice sounded so sad, and I found out that a good friend of his had died the night before. I'd met the friend a few times, he was a great guy. Even now I can't help but smile when I think about him. He was so full of laughter, and was always smiling. He was so kind, funny, and sweet. Now he's gone, and all we have are those beautiful memories of him.

I had talked to my cousin a few hours before I called this second time, and it never ceases to amaze me how delicate time is. In a few hours everything changed. Sadness overtook happiness for his birthday. Now we are all a little quieter, and a little wiser of how precious our time is. My cousin said to me, "he kept in touch with his friend but he should have done more." I told him that I'm sure he knew he was loved by him, and that now he has the chance to do more, love more, and be there for the people in his life. His wife, his friends, his soon to be child.

Death is a reminder of not we lossed but what we have. That we should cherish them, and not take them for granted. That we need to make time even when we feel like there is none to give. We should give more than we take. Say the words in our hearts instead of ignoring them. Take chances and risks because you never know until you try. We must live genuine and good lives because this one is all we have. So live it splendidly. Live it kindly. Live it well. Let peace be in your soul and laughter in your heart. Don't waste time not doing the things you love, not being with the person you love, and please don't waste time with grudges. Let those old wounds heal. Let those scars fade away. Time is such a blessing, be thankful for it! Your time won't last forever. So please, enjoy the time you have. Love deeply. Dream without limits. Live genuinely. Laugh often. Always smile. Give more. Be kind. More than anything let the people in your life know you love them.

Make someone's day. It's not the big moments that count it is the little ones. Those little slips of time we share laughing over coffee, debating tv shows, embracing in a warm hug, giggling about love, talking on Skype about our lives, and especially saying and showing  "I love you!!!!" Those moments of togetherness in even the smallest ways have such a large place in a person's heart.

So call someone up, tell them how awesome and loved they are. Spend time with someone you love; a friend, a lover, a family member. Don't just make today different, make all the tomorrows different as well. Don't have regrets, and don't ever feel like you should have said more, done more, or given more. Do it now. Say it now. Give it now. Now is what we have, please use it wisely.

We will miss you friend, but I know you are smiling and laughing down on us. Another guardian angel to watch over us. Thank you for the laughter and the smiles! Thank you for even the little moments of time we shared together. I smile when I think of you because I see your big, warm, and welcoming smile in my memories. Rest in heavenly peace. You are missed, and you are so very loved!!!! Always be blessed.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Being back home has been wonderful. Seeing the people I love, catching up on their lives, just looking up at the gorgeous AZ sky fills me up with so much joy. I know that it will be hard to leave this place, my home for another year. I didn't realize all that I had missed until I came back. Now I worry about going back for another year. I know that for now my life is in Seoul. I'm happy there, but nothing compares to this feeling of love for the people and places I have here. I really do live in a beautiful place, and I'm thankful that over 11 years ago my mom decided to move us from New Jersey to Arizona. It was the beginning of so many wonderful experiences.

One of my favorite things to do is look up at the sky. The sky here is breathtaking. It is so beautiful, and it reminds me every day that beauty is here, there -- everywhere. We've just got to open our eyes and hearts to those little glimpses of beauty we discover every day. Whether in ourselves, the people in our lives, strangers, or our environment. There is something or someone that will bring a smile to your face as you go about your day. Just be open enough to receive it/them.

Since I've been home I've been doing a lot of reading. I've been reading my old journal entries and the things I wrote make me laugh, wonder how I could have thought that, remember what I'm fighting and living for, cry on occasion. I've always had too many thoughts dancing in my mind, with no place to go, and no room to breathe. So I wrote then and I write now to give them air, life, meaning. The entries that really got to me were the ones from the 18 year old me. Back then I carried so much weight on my shoulders. I wanted to save everything and everyone.

I wanted to be this perfect student, daughter, friend -- just perfect in everything and in everyway. A goal that could never become reality. Perfection has no place in this world. Our flaws, our weaknesses, and our failures are the stepping stones to our future triumphs if we just take the first step towards moving beyond that momentary setback. If we just choose to be true to ourselves, and not try to be someone other than the person who's reflection stares back at you in the mirror. I had so many worries and as the 23 year old me I wish I could have told my younger self not to forget that happiness starts and ends with being true to who you are in everything you do, everywhere you go, and with everyone you meet.

To not spend so much time worrying about tomorrow and spend more time enjoying today. To not be afraid to risk, to try, to challenge yourself to test your capabilities. That is how you grow, learn, live. To trust your intuition, yourself, and never let anyone crush the belief you have in yourself. As I grew older, I grew wiser. As the years went on I realized all of those things. That is the beauty of aging in body, you grow in mind, in spirit, in wisdom. I guess if I had traveled back in time to tell the younger me everything would be alright, she wouldn't have faced her battles and come out the stronger and happier me.

There was so much fire in me, like a flame that had no end or beginning, it just burned brightly with no direction. Five years down the road that fire is still burning inside of me, but it has taken shape, glows a softer shade of red, and lights my way towards the future I'm imagining day by day. I keep thinking to myself this is what happiness means. This is what having a purpose feels like. I might not have all the details worked out, but I've got the vision, the passion, and the perseverance to make these dreams into my daily reality.

There comes a point in our lives where we just have to let go of all we know and start again. I'm at that point in my life, and although it is scary it is also beautiful. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I want to do my best to head towards it with determination and perseverance. I want to be the one writing my story and not reading it! I want to have the patience to let things play out instead of trying to rush everything. All the dreams I have will blossom in their own time. So for now I just want to nurture them and give them room to grow.

I want to start living the life I've imagined and take advantage of every chance to make a dream into my reality. I'm thankful that I have the time to see what else is out there, and create my future one day at a time.

I'm starting to understand what it means to "grow up"... 

I wrote this December 4th 2009 in my entry Bloom.  As I read this entry again I find myself thinking, "this is my season to bloom. Right now I am blooming into my true self, the me that has been lying in wait for me to claim her. In my own time I've finally gotten to that point where I realize the power I have to do something amazing in this world, with my life, for people I come across. I'm the author, the pen, the pages, the words, the thoughts, the... everything in my story. No one else can or will tell my story for me. I've got to do that. I'm the only one that can do that. After all, it is MY story, my life, my struggles, my discoveries, my mistakes, my dreams, and no one else's.

It feels like I am at that point in my life where my eyes are wide open and clear. My vision is filled with clarity about who I am, where I am going, who I want along for the ride, and just my purpose in this world. The future I'm walking towards looks so exciting, genuine, and very true to me. I can feel it deep down in my soul that I'm heading in the right direction. I'm on a journey that feels like its been waiting for me all this time. Waiting for me to be honest, to be courageous, to be myself. Everything feels so wonderful. The heaviness of the 18 year old me has faded into nothingness, and the hope, faith, and vision of the 23 year old me gives me so much joy.

My hope as you read my story, is that you find the inspiration you need to pick up that pen and write your own. No one has your style or understanding of who you are. So only you can write the words that become the pages of your life. It took me a long time to get to this part of my journey, but now that I am here, the path ahead is so clear. So lovely. The path I walk on has become smoother and my footsteps lighter. I told my mom the other day "Mom, I'm going to do amazing things in this world. I just know it!" I smile as I type that out. I believe it. I own it, and I have faith in me. I'm going to help so many people find their way, because that is my purpose. The one I've been given and the one I've chosen. To be a lighthouse in the dark and murky waters of life. To light their way back and guide them to safe shores. I've got dreams. I've got plans. I''ve got hope. I've got determination. I'm going to make it happen, one day at a time, one step at a time!

As long as we are persistent in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time.” ~Denis Waitley

Bloom where you are planted. 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 

People deal too much with the negative, what is wrong.... Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. Psalms 1:3

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~Mark Twain

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed. ~Bernard Edmonds

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Happy Friday lovely readers. I hope your Friday has been/goes splendidly.

This happy bubble I'm in hasn't popped yet despite the shennanigans my students and life throws my way. The sun is shining, life has been sweet to me, and despite coming down with a bit of a cold I feel good inside and out.

I haven't been really writing about my life these days, maybe because I've been living it. Life has been busy these past few weeks. I went to an apple festival, ziplining, hosted a yummy Thanksgiving dinner at my place, and tomorrow I'm going to the YG Family concert. I'm practically dancing inside and sometimes on the outside with excitement. I'm hoping I'll feel better, but no matter what I'll be singing and dancing my heart out to Se7en, Big Bang, Taeyang, Gummy, 2NE1, and PSY. I'm super happy I scored a VIP seat. I plan on getting as close as I can to the stage...okay Taeyang.

I'm looking forward to it, and the weather is supposed to be a bit warmer tomorrow. The concert is at Olympic Park Stadium, which is like an hour away from me. I'll be jamming to K-pop on the way there. After this weekend things will cool down. Lately life has been go, go, go, and I'm looking forward to a few weekends without any major plans. I need to figure out what to do for Christmas. I've never been huge on Christmas because it never goes my way. All I want to do is spend time with the people in my life, no presents, just their time, and do whatever, preferably in my comfy pajamas. I'm not really into the whole dress up and go out Christmas that my family tends to do. This will be my first Christmas away from home, so I want it to be a great one.

I'm going on a ski trip for New Years. I've never been skiiing, so this is a chance to do something new and celebrate 2011 with my friends. Looking forward to it. More than anything I am looking forward to being in the states for a few weeks and spending time with my lovely family and friends back home. I'm looking forward to eating my mama and grandma's delicious cooking, hanging out with my close friends, going to New York and Maryland with my sister, seeing all the babies everyone is having. I'm excited to eat, shop, and laugh a lot when I go home. I want to soak it all up, because everyday I have with them won't be enough. So I want to make the most of it, and pamper them all.

So life right now in bits and pieces...

I caught a glimpse of the first snow in Seoul. The cars outside were coated in it, but it was gone by morning. I'm dreading the real snow to come. Hopefully most of it will happen when I'm back in the states. This morning I was walking to school and this 4th grader was screaming my name until I finally noticed (was listening to music) just to say hello to me. IDK..but she seems to have taken a liking to me, and gets really excited everytime she sees me. We have a hard time communicating, but we manage. It makes me smile and feel all happy inside. As I walked into school, I saw a few of my students in a circle. Curious I walked over to see this adorable puppy jumping around playfully licking and biting students. No one knew who she belonged to, but she was tied up so I assumed she had a home to go to. I'm allergic to dog hair, but not all dog hair so I didn't have a problem with this dog or so I thought. Haha, later my nose was running and so stuffy. I'd like to have a dog one day. I've never had a pet. My mom doesn't like dogs or cats, or any animals. I firmly believe every kid deserves to grow up with a pet. I want a dog and a turtle one day. Need to find a dog with hair that doesn't send me into an allergy attack, or I should take shots for it. I've always wanted a Siberian Husky. That was so random.

Anyways, as Fridays go this was a pretty easy one. The kids are getting antsy these days so we changed their seats in hopes of them calming down. We'll see how that goes next week. I've got to start planning for winter camp, do my medical check for renewing, buy my plane tickets home, plan my trip home, blog about my recent trips, and upload all the photos and videos I have sitting on my hardrive. Hopefully I'll conquer the photos and videos on Sunday.

My family has been freaking out about North Korea. To the point that some of them have been pressuring me not renew, but I'm going to still renew. You won't ever be completely safe anywhere, and I'm not going to be pressured into leaving. I've tried to calm them down, and assure them that if things escalate to a point where my safety is compromised I'd get on the first plane home. I'm happy here, and I am looking forward to another year of adventures, discoveries, and growth.

Haha, I just feel like doing a happy dance. Life is good. I'm good. I hope you are good too.

Happy Friday everyone. Remember to laugh, smile, and breathe.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

One of my favorite songs by the great Nell...


Edit: I just read through this entry, so zippy. It's amazing how much your writing can reflect your current state.

• Fall is my favorite season, because I like all the colors and layers people wear
• My students still think I got an adjumma perm
• The state of my enviroment shows the state of my mind/life
• I'm debating whether to be a guidance couselor, a therapist, or something else in that arena
• 6-1 is my worst class. I'm looking forward to them going to middle school.
• My mom is going to be 50 on the 14th
• After teaching here I like kids more than I did
• Kraft mayonnaise is sorely missed right now. I miss sandwiches so much!!!
• Lately I've been drinking milk tea more than usual, probably because of Hong Kong
• I feel the most free when I am...dancing or writing
• I'm a 260 in Korean shoes which makes me unable to buy all the lovely shoes I see
• I miss you Tiffany oma :)
• When I was a little kid before the lawyer/judge years I wanted to be a therapist
• Everyday I read GMH, Six Billion Secrets, LGMH, because they remind me that the choices I make, the words I say, the attitude I have can lift someone up or break someone down
• I like sushi that is cooked not raw
• I thought Tokyo would be more, but I think my expectations were to high because of Seoul
• The only time I like to listen to rap is when I'm driving, exercising, or dancing
• Sometimes when I'm teaching I have that feeling of wanting to be a kid again
• I'm currently listening to Mumm-ra's "Light Up This Room"
• My foreign neighbors both moved out so I have no clue who lives by me
• I've been wearing red everyday lately to remind myself to be strong when and where it counts
• The lady I bought plantains from has disappeared to somewhere
• The other day I told one of my best friends that all I really want in life is to be happy everyday, and to make others happy everyday. That's the simple yet complicated truth.
• I write everything down because if I don't I feel like I'll forget it
• My students are constantly trying to capture me in a picture or a drawing. The results are hilarious.
• It wasn't until I started teaching that I realized with out a doubt the power and beauty of being someone's teacher. Whether in a professional or personal way, being someone's teacher is a great honor.
• Lately I've developed the habit of making a wish whenever I chance upon the time being the same digits. Most of time it ends up being 2:22 when I look at the time.
• My mom is 50 years old today. Happy Birthday to my lovely mom!!!
• I'm becoming really lazy these days. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's just me. But it's getting out of control and my neat freak self is having none of that.
• Little by little I'm finding simple things I like, just by taking a chance and trying it out, and I like that. Start with the small everyday risks and eventually I'll be able to jump on the big ones.
• I was reading my Mighty List the other day in my journal, and it was amazing to realize I'd already made some of those goals/dreams/hopes/wishes happen.
• I'm really into Sungkyunkwan Scandal these days...seriously I cannot imagine a life without kdramas!
• I had a student say F*** you today, but he didn't understand what he'd done wrong. What was really great about the situation was that the other students told him why it was wrong, and called him out for it. I didn't have to, it made me go all happy inside.
• Currently listening to Massive Attack's "Teardrop"
• I've been really forgetful today. I thought it was lunch time when it was only 4th period. I even offed the lights and made my way to the door, until my co was like what are you doing.
• It feels like a Friday...and that's a good kind of feeling to have:)

Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” – Jack Kerouac

A few rainy days ago, I got off at my usual bus stop and was walking towards my school. When suddenly, one of the teachers at my school tapped me on my shoulder, and we started walking together towards the school. I was going along the usual road I take to school, when she told me of another way to get there, and took me on it. The road I take is steep, and by the time I get to school I am sweating a bit from the climb. However, it was the only road I knew that would get me to school...it was a guarantee that I wouldn't get lost along the way. The road she showed me was less steep, with lovely scenery along the way. It took the same amount of time to get to school, but it was a much nicer journey towards the same destination. As we walked she said to me there are several ways of getting to the school, but she likes taking this one. In my head I thought to myself, why did I never think/try to find another path to get to school.

That experience, got me thinking/reflecting (as usual) about life and the different roads we take or choose not to take towards some destination. Being my self-reflective self I thought about how I got to the road I am currently on, and the road I was on before this one. I thought about the future I had paved out for myself since I was twelve versus the present road I chose to travel on. The Law School Road vs. The Seoul Road.

I was traveling on a road that I had paved out for myself ever since I was twelve years old and doing mock courts in Social Studies. The plan was to go to college, get a degree in Finance (The College Road), next go to Law School and study corporate law, then practice law for 7 years or so, lastly achieve my 12 year old "dream" of becoming a Judge (The "Dream" Road). I was that kind of kid, the one who spends her days dreaming and planning out her future in every delicate detail. It was my way of being in control of something in my life. I thought to myself that this is something I can do well, this is something that will allow me to take care of my family (mom/siblings) in the future, this is something that will make my mom proud of me...this is something that will make me someone with purpose. I've spent the past 22 years of my life dreaming about how my future would/will be. I was so focused on achieving those things, that I never really got to experience was it means to be a kid. I felt like I had a lot of responsibilities, and didn't have time to play around.

I spent my childhood trying to be an adult, and now I am trying to be a child. Now it is time for me to play, to discover, to fail and pick myself back up again, to just live in the present without agonizing over the future. I've discovered that my future is a road that changes daily with every action or inaction I take, every choice I make or don't make, and all the things I do in the present. The Future Road, is layered with everything that happens in the here and now. I'm doing my best to not worry about the future, and just enjoy the present. That is what living is about. I'm 22 years old, but sometimes it feels like I am a newborn taking my first steps into this world. While at other times, I feel like I am older than I am. Sometimes I feel so naive and oblivious to things, because there is so much I haven't experienced, both good and bad. At the same time, I've experienced a lot of things. So these days I am telling myself to take care of me, discover what makes me happy/unhappy, what I want from myself and others, how do I imagine my life to be. I'm letting myself dream a dream just for me.

Life is about detours...

I'm traveling down The Seoul Road not just because it is a place I've wanted to go to. But because it's an opportunity for me to discover myself a little more. To get a deeper look into the layers that make me who I am and who I am not. I came here, because I knew that the road I was on was getting too bumpy. I needed a chance of pace, I needed time to figure myself out. I need time to be honest with myself about the person I want to be and the kind of future I wanted for myself. I needed time just for me, to hear my voice, and mine alone, and to give myself room to dream, breathe, and explore.

I wanted to stop trying to grow up so fast, and let myself be the 22 year old young woman I am. A young woman who still has a lot to learn, experience, and figure out. I wanted this chance to learn, make mistakes, explore, and learn some more. A chance to discover myself, create myself, and love myself. Coming to Seoul, was/is so much more than going abroad. It's the chapter in my life story that I am most excited to create. Because no matter what, this is the chapter that lets go of the past, and determines the next road I take in my life.

I'm not twelve years old anymore. My dreams have changed and in some ways stayed the same. I don't have the future figured out...I'm still working on the present. I might still end up at the same destination, but I am taking a different road now. I don't know how long I will stay on this one, or what the next road will bring. All I know is that I am traveling towards a constantly changing future on a road I have chosen to go on. I'm searching for, creating ,discovering, and seeking my happiness with every day that I get to be alive. Little by little I am figuring it out.

The past two years of my life have taken me through highs and lows, but I have learned so much about myself. The most important thing is being happy, and doing my best to make others happy. I've learned that I am stronger and weaker than I thought. I've learned that at the end of the day if I helped one person get a little closer to achieving their dreams then I will be fulfilled. I always wondered what my purpose was in this world, why was I created, and what should I do with the time I have here. Those were the kinds of questions running around in my head even when I was a kid. Little by little I am discovering that my meaning my life has is the one I give it. The life I choose to live defines that, and I know that I want to help others find their meaning, dream, and happiness. I'm not sure what that means career wise, but I believe that I am on my way to figuring that out. I don't need to be anything but happy with who I am, and how I am living my life. That's the perspective I am taking into my daily life. So I am going to do things my way, in my own time, and create the life I can be happy with. Not content, or settled, but happy! Really, truly, and beautifully happy with myself inside and out.

This detour that I am taking, is the best decision I ever made for me. This might lead to other detours, or just a new Dream Road to travel on. Or many dream roads to travel on. Why should we/I only have one dream? I'm going to keep dreaming for as long as I live. That's the thing about having a dream, it can change, expand , evolve, split...etc. It's something that changes as you change, grows as you grow. Just as you and I evolve, so do our dreams. That is something I recently realized. Just because I had a dream for my life at twelve, doesn't mean that is the only dream I will have or live by. I have so many questions and few if any
answers, but that is okay. I will figure it out in my own time and way. It feels good just breathing and living my life day by day. I know now what it means to feel happy, be happy with who you are, where you are going, and the life you are living.

For now I am going to be selfish and put myself first. I don't know how long this journey will take, or what places it will take me to. I just know that for now this is the road I need/want to be on. It's the road of self-discovery and creation. It's taken me this long to find it, and I have a feeling it is going to be a long ride...the forever kind. I'm sure there will be many roads along the way, since this is a lifetime kind of journey. I'm excited to travel along these roads of life. To learn, to see, to explore, to create, to fall and fail, to stand up again and triumph, to just be free to get on and off as I please. To live a life I have created just for me...

One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things. – Henry Miller

I hope when people read my blog, they see that. Yes, I am here to teaching, living, and traveling. But this is a journey that is more internal that external. This is a chapter in my life where I am the only one holding then pen. This blog isn't just about my life here in Seoul. It's about my life, and the discoveries I make as I live. I say all this because I know that there are people in this world like me, searching, wondering, trying to figure out what road to take, and my advice is follow your heart, go towards your happiness the best way you know how. Don't limit your dreams, or let other people choose it for you. This is your story, this is your life, so pick up that pen and start writing...

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

I've posted this song before, but I think it really suits this entry. In a way this song changed my life, the way I see things, and helped me to follow my heart...

It's 3:40 PM on Friday, and I have one hour before these week of teaching comes to an end. I'm sitting here listening to Gravity by my favorite band Coldplay, and for some reason at this moment this song really just pulls me in.

My mood has been full of highs and lows this week, and as I was sitting at home yesterday (my apartment is really starting to feel like home, I look forward to coming there) I was thinking about how I have been feeling pulled in different directions lately. I'm in Seoul for a year (not sure if I will stay longer) and I want to make the most of everyday, but that can be exhausting. I am constantly on the go, trying to cross things off my list that I am forgetting that living in Seoul is not just about sightseeing, it is about those daily things that give meaning to living. I've been so focused on making sure I am going to new places every week, and that I am doing new things every week, that I am not giving myself the time to enjoy those things I enjoy. More importantly I am not giving myself time to relax and do things I enjoy doing regardless of whether I am in Seoul or Arizona.

I feel like the clock is ticking, and I don't want to waste a single moment, but then I have to check myself and remind myself that just being here is something special. Every single day of me living in Seoul is important. Living abroad is not just about exploring a different country, but about exploring yourself as well. The latter is something I kind of let drift away, and am trying to get back. It might surprise people, but I am a very internal being. I spend a lot of time lost in thoughts and dreams inside of me. I'm always reflecting, thinking, analyzing, and sometimes criticizing on my life and the way I live it.

Sometimes it feels overwhelming, because there is so much to see and do, and there is so much I want to see and do, that I worry if I have enough time to do and see them all. Which is why I have been so focused on doing as much as possible. Which is probably why I felt so tired this week, and have been a little moody. So this weekend I am going to pull myself and take some me-time. I love to read, and haven't done any reading since I got here, or gone to the movies, or written any poetry, or just any of the things I really love to do to relax. So this weekend I am going to do those things today, and tomorrow, and then on Sunday I will go on the Seoul City Bus Tour with some friends.

I just needed to remind myself to take a step back and get myself centered again. It's like every once in awhile I have to tell myself to exhale, because I just want to inhale everything life has to offer these days. Which is a good and bad thing. I guess I had the feeling of if I don't take everything Seoul has to offer as soon as possible, then I might have regrets a year from now. However, like a friend said to me just being here is something to be proud of. There will always be something else to see or do, so I am going to do the things I like/love, and see sights I've wanted to see. I'm going to do things my way, and create my version of what it means to be living. Afterall, this is my story to tell.

Come next Monday I will have been in Korea for 2 months, it feels like I have been here longer. My foundation is starting to take shape, and I feel like my footing is becoming stable. Everyday is a learning experience filled with mistakes, triumphs, and kimchi:)! Thanks for going on this journey with me...

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

Originally posted on my Six Months Till Korea blog, but I thought it should be shared with a wider audience. Enjoy:)

One of the main reasons I write my thoughts down is so I can reflect on them in the future, but even more importantly to see how far I have come and how much farther I need to go. This week has been a week of reflection, dreams, chances, but more importantly it has been a week of living and enjoying the moment.

I tend to wear my thinking cap way too much, and can get wrapped up in my head without seeing what is really going on in my life. I made a promise to myself that 2010 is going to be my year, my season, my time to shine and bloom, and I am doing my best to stay true to myself and to keep that promise.

Maybe it is just me, but it felt like for a long time I was just existing in life and not really living it, not letting myself enjoy it for all its flaws and wonder. I always thought I had to be someone other than the person I am. Always trying to change myself for the better, when sometimes it was more about accepting myself than changing me. I can smile now when I say that, because I am finally becoming the woman I want to be, and doing it in my own way and in my own time.

Everyone of us has a journey to take, and mine has taken me in different directions on the way to where I am now. I don't know what the future holds but I know I am excited to live my life going towards it. I think it all comes down to how you see yourself, and how you want the world to see you. That should be your choice and only yours to make. I keep thinking about my favorite Thoreau quote about living your life the way you have imagined it to be and it is so true.

This is your life, and as far as I know we only get this one chance to live it. So why live a life you don't want, a life you don't love? One day we will all return to the earth, and I for one don't want to be tangled up in regrets upon regrets. I'm 22 years old, and for the first time in my life I feel in sync with myself as far as who I am now and who I want to be in the future. I understand myself better. Accept myself with every flaw, scar, and beauty inside of me.

When I got into college I had a plan for how I wanted my life to be, but I am realizing that it wasn't necessarily me following my dreams, but more of me following the safe path to success. I don't regret the path I chose, because it has helped me get to this point in my life, and I have met wonderful people along the way, and have had opportunities that shaped me into the present version of myself.

I feel comfortable in my own skin, and even in those moments of doubt and insecurity I know that I am going to be just fine because like my mom says, "It is well with my soul." We all stumble, we all fall, but we all have to remember to pick ourselves back up and take it one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one day at a time. Living is about choices, leaps of faith, and chances. Sometimes we wait too long to do something that we miss out on it entirely.

It always comes down to fear; the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of pain, the fear of everything and anything you can imagine. Fear is like a plague on the human soul. It crushes our spirits, steals our dreams, and leaves us broken. Fear is friend to no one, and an enemy to all, but for me I am realizing that fear will always be there and it is up to me to overcome it, and live the life I have imagined. It is never and easy thing to overcome fear, but it is as necessary as breathing.

Over two years ago, I decided to not go straight to law school after graduation, and instead to let myself explore what else life has to offer. My family wasn't exactly excited about that decision, but they supported me and have always supported me. Something I am deeply thankful to them for. It was scary changing course like that, but it felt right, it still feels right. I was walking along a path that wasn't clear and felt more like a burden than a gift. Anyone that knows me, knows that when I make up my mind about something it rarely changes.

So deciding not to apply for law school  was a big deal, but it was the best decision I could have made for me. I was young, I am young, and I had barely experienced what life has to offer outside of a classroom. There is so much to see, so much to do, that it makes me tremble with all those endless possibilities. It feels right to go to Seoul, to travel outside of my comfort zone and give myself this year to bloom. To stretch myself, and test my limits away from the comforts I have now.

Sure I am scared, but even that fear is a beautiful thing. Like Eleanor says, "we must do the things we are afraid to do," only then will we ever know what we are capable of. If we all stay in our little boxes we will never know what is beyond those cardboard walls. Going to Seoul is a chance to explore more of the world while discovering more of me. Going to Seoul is a choice that will take me down a new path and lead me towards another. I'm excited to be doing this, to be making one dream into my reality.

But for me it is not just about going to Seoul, it's about being the young woman I want to be. This quotes sums it up best:

There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isn’t thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on. -Unknown-

Years from now I don't want to regret not saying what was in my heart, not traveling to places I dreamed of seeing, and I don't want to regret not living the life I have imagined for me. I was thinking yesterday about my future and where I see myself years from now. I kept thinking about what exactly am I going to do for a living in the future. I always wanted to practice law, and it is still my dream but there is a part of me that is still searching for that career that feels like it was made just for me.

There is so many possibilities in this world, so many places we can go, and so many things we can do, that I worry that I will get lost in the choices and never find the one for me. Before, I thought success was measured by the amount of money I would make, but as I got older I realized that success is defined by me and no one else. Success for me is not about money, but the way I choose to live my life. I know I want to help people like me, people searching, people drifting, people who are lost, and people who come from fragmented families like me.

I know I want to help others discover themselves, and make their own dreams a reality. I know I want to do something and be someone that inspires others to live their life the way they have imagined it to be. I know I want to be the advocate for those whose voices are silenced. I know I want to leave a legacy of positive change, and inspire people to lift their voices, and use their bodies to help those that cannot. The problem is that even though I know this much, I have no idea how to make that into a career for me.

I've always felt my calling was law, and in a lot of ways I still do. The question then is what kind of lawyer should I be. I have been thinking a lot lately about being a human rights lawyer and focusing on helping the youth whether in domestic cases or international ones. I've always advocated and looked out for the people around me, and I feel like my voice could be the voice they need. But then, there are so many other careers besides law that I could be the one for me...

I don't know, these are just some thoughts racing circles inside of me. I'm at that point in my life where it is  feels okay to feel this unsure about my future, and to get a little lost along the way, because I believe with all my heart that one day in a moment all will be revealed to me. I just have to continue living my life and letting my footsteps lead me closer to where I am supposed to be.

I'm sharing all of this because I know there are other people out there, who like me are trying to figure out their place in this world. Who are beating themselves up for being lost, when they should remember that sometimes you have to get lost in order to find and be found. We are always changing so don't hold yourself back, take a deep breathe and jump. Jump, and let yourself go...

So its been over a month since I got out of the hospital and I am doing a lot better physically. I am still on meds for at least another month before the doctor clears me. I am just praying nothing like this happens ever again to me!

I have 5 more months here before I finally get to go to Seoul by God's grace. I have to do a lot of the paperwork over like my CRC, Visa, Contract, and other things, plus get cleared to travel by my GI doctor. SMOE said they would hold my spot for the March orientation so lets just hope nothing gets screwed up (major pray for me time)! I think I am just really nervous about losing my spot or something else getting in the way of me going to Korea.

My life is pretty much in limbo right now, since a lot of my stuff is packed up in suitcases and I have no desire to unpack. So I am just using the stuff I wasn't planning to take with me. I just hope the next 5 months goes by fast and at the end of February I buy my plane ticket (again) and finally get on that plane and start my Korean adventure.

I'm just taking it one step at a time and focusing on my health right now. But I cannot wait till I can leave and go to Seoul. This six month limbo is an unexpected situation but it is better than being dead or sick in Korea. It is pretty boring being here without a job or anything constructive to do besides watching dramas and television and reading books. I need some fun distractions and lots of money. Anyway, check out my previous blog entry for the link to my other blog for regular updates on my moody self over the next 5 months. I will do monthly updates on this blog.

More importantly, even though I am not blogging regularly make sure you check out the helpful links on the side bar about living and teaching in Korea and if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.

Keep me in your prayers,
~Lola O.~