It's 2:42 AM on Thursday, and I am wide awake.
I was really tired after school on Wednesday, so when I got home I told myself I'd lie down for 30 minutes and then get up and be productive. I don't know why I bother telling myself that, because not once in my life have I ever gotten up. I woke up around 12:45 AM and decided to call home since I was already up. My mom picked up the phone, and I could hear my grandma singing in the background. It made me laugh and smile, because if she is singing then she must be feeling a lot better. If she's feeling a lot better then my mind can be at ease. Whenever I feel a little off inside I like to call home, just talking to my family sets me back on my axis, centered and ready. I talked to my grandma for a bit, and she sang to/for me, saying she had been thinking and praying about me, especially my health the day before. Saying, that we'll see each other again soon. I teared up a bit, in a good way. I called my sister after and it was nice just talking/venting about life, men, work, school, and just whatever sisters talk about. There's something special about having an older sister, and I love mine dearly.
10:37 AM, I am super sleepy.
Haha, so while I was writing the first part, I decided to put on some music, my creative juices flow better with my music on. Guess what....my external hard drive has decided to not work and all my music, photos, and etc that are on it are lost. I'd been trying since then to fix it, but my laptop is still not recognizing the device. I'm going to try and troubleshoot it when I get out of school. All I can think about it all my music being trapped in it, and it makes me feel like passing out. It would take forever to get all of that back. I don't want to think about that. I'm crossing my fingers that I can fix it, or get it fixed, because it was working fine earlier in the day. I was getting so frustrated, so I went back to sleep for a few hours before getting ready for school. Honestly, I really want to cry, but I'm holding it in. I was having such a good moment talking to my family on the phone and then stuff like this happens, and I just feel low. I didn't cry, and I'm going to just hope for the best, that I can fix it. I'm no computer whiz, but that is why we have the internet. Other people have the same EHD as me, and had the same problem. It turns on, but the doesn't show up in my computer. I'm just going to deal with it whatever happens. If it takes me months to get my music back then I'll just have to restore my collection one day at a time. Well the whole point of that little tidbit, is that sh** happens:) and we can choose to sink low or rise above it and do our best to overcome it. Most things in life can be restored, rebuilt, and renewed. Bad things happen all the time, especially at the worst moment, but I am going to see it as a chance to become stronger, wiser, and braver. I'm going to keep breathing, dreaming ,and perservering no matter what obstacles come my way...
10:52 AM, I'm listening to Taeyang's "Solar" album...
I've been looking forward to this album for weeks now, and even in my crappy mood there is something to make me smile. It also helps that I have no classes to teach today. My 6th graders get to watch Kung Fu Panda after their reading test, and I get to relax. This week has been so busy with open class planning, summer camp, and vacation planning. I've prepared everything for open class, but I am still figuring out summer camp. The hold up is the lack of details on the students, but I am just going to try my best to make a concrete yet flexible plan. As far as my vacation planning goes I've decided to go to Hong Kong and Jeju island for sure. Gyeongju and Busan are possibilities for quick trips. I want to make the most of my vacation, and try to do as much as I can. I'll have about three days at the end of August to relax in Seoul and go to the doctor before another semester of teaching.
So there are a few things to celebrate. Lola O. In Seoul has been in existence for a year, it kind of surprised me, but I had started it in June of 2009 because I was supposed to go in August. I've been in Korea for over 4 months now. When June 26th came around it was no big deal, I didn't feel that same shiny excitement for another month gone by. I was like no biggie. It's interesting how my perspective has changed in only 4 months. It takes a lot more to make an impact these day. It's been over 1 year since I graduated from college. This one felt really weird, because I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything significant, but I have discovered a lot of things about myself and the life I want which has been great for personal growth.
11:07 AM, my students are immersed in Kung Fu Panda (I have to say it is a cute movie for any age!!!)
These days I've been feeling more and more like a real teacher because of the increase in workload but mostly because of my students. One of my students came up to me after class the other day and said " teacher, you are a really good teacher!" It was out of the blue but super sweet. Then on Wednesday I was reviewing Monday's lesson with my 1st graders and they knew all the fruit words they'd learned. Honestly it caught me by surprise and I thought to myself they do pay attention!!! Hehe, they seem more enthusiastic these days about ASP, and I am working harder to be more creative and make it 50 minutes of educational fun. I always feel like a real/better teacher with my ASP kids because it is all on me, there's no co-teacher to help me out. So I either sink or swim. Most of the time I swim, but I've had moments when I've sunk to the bottom.
11:44 AM, sunlight is peeking through the windows...
I find myself inspired by music, yesterday I was listening to Rob Thomas's
Someday, and the lyrics got me thinking about how/I wait for someday when we'll have it all figured out; happiness, life, career, the future, love, etc...we just keep waiting for that someday and years later we are still waiting. I don't want to be that kind of person who's depending on the future for answers I should be finding/disocvering now. Today should be that someday, when we start living our lives the way we want. When we start overcoming our fears. When we start challenging ourselves to take a chance. Today should be that day when we let go everything and everyone that's been holding us back and just give it a go. For me, it's something like going on vacation to a place I've never been by myself, I was getting so stressed about it. After writing it all out, and talking to my friend about it I realized that I either go or I don't. But it is all on me. Everything is never going to be perfect, and the best plans can be screwed up, so we just have to give it a try now and do our best with what we have. So I'm going to book my ticket to Hong Kong and Jeju, and will figure out the details along the way. I'm not going to hold myself back from experiencing what life has to offer because of fear. This year is about me overcoming my fears, and seeing what I am capable of. I'm going to believe that things will fall into place when I need them to.
I guess the most important thing I've learned so far in the past 4 months is what it means to be living, to feel alive everyday. What it means to have the power to make my own decision, and face the rewards and consequences of my choices. I was reading
this article a few days ago and I felt inspired by what PD Pyo Min-soo said:
Live like it's a drama. To put it another way, live with joy. Be honest with how you express your emotions, and be faithful to every moment. If our world is joyful for our hundred years, perhaps the next hundred will be okay, even with a little sadness. If we could choose to make sure of a good today versus a good future, most would pick their futures, but I’d choose today. Dividing today into 24 hours, people might choose to skip this hour now and choose to be happy later, but I wouldn’t. People always think of what’s next, but then that means happiness is off in the future, like a rainbow. Be happy right now.”
Stop waiting for that someday to appear, today is that some day. Right now, this moment is what living is all about. The future is made up of the moments and choices we make in the present.
It's only been four months, but being here has allowed me to grow in a lot of ways as my own person. My voice is the voice that guides me in the decisions/choice I make, and it has been quite an experience. I'm loving the young woman I am becoming with everyday that passes. I'm going to do my best to live well, and enjoy many wonderful things, people, and opportunties.
Be blessed,
~Lola O.~
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