Being back home has been wonderful. Seeing the people I love, catching up on their lives, just looking up at the gorgeous AZ sky fills me up with so much joy. I know that it will be hard to leave this place, my home for another year. I didn't realize all that I had missed until I came back. Now I worry about going back for another year. I know that for now my life is in Seoul. I'm happy there, but nothing compares to this feeling of love for the people and places I have here. I really do live in a beautiful place, and I'm thankful that over 11 years ago my mom decided to move us from New Jersey to Arizona. It was the beginning of so many wonderful experiences.

One of my favorite things to do is look up at the sky. The sky here is breathtaking. It is so beautiful, and it reminds me every day that beauty is here, there -- everywhere. We've just got to open our eyes and hearts to those little glimpses of beauty we discover every day. Whether in ourselves, the people in our lives, strangers, or our environment. There is something or someone that will bring a smile to your face as you go about your day. Just be open enough to receive it/them.

Since I've been home I've been doing a lot of reading. I've been reading my old journal entries and the things I wrote make me laugh, wonder how I could have thought that, remember what I'm fighting and living for, cry on occasion. I've always had too many thoughts dancing in my mind, with no place to go, and no room to breathe. So I wrote then and I write now to give them air, life, meaning. The entries that really got to me were the ones from the 18 year old me. Back then I carried so much weight on my shoulders. I wanted to save everything and everyone.

I wanted to be this perfect student, daughter, friend -- just perfect in everything and in everyway. A goal that could never become reality. Perfection has no place in this world. Our flaws, our weaknesses, and our failures are the stepping stones to our future triumphs if we just take the first step towards moving beyond that momentary setback. If we just choose to be true to ourselves, and not try to be someone other than the person who's reflection stares back at you in the mirror. I had so many worries and as the 23 year old me I wish I could have told my younger self not to forget that happiness starts and ends with being true to who you are in everything you do, everywhere you go, and with everyone you meet.

To not spend so much time worrying about tomorrow and spend more time enjoying today. To not be afraid to risk, to try, to challenge yourself to test your capabilities. That is how you grow, learn, live. To trust your intuition, yourself, and never let anyone crush the belief you have in yourself. As I grew older, I grew wiser. As the years went on I realized all of those things. That is the beauty of aging in body, you grow in mind, in spirit, in wisdom. I guess if I had traveled back in time to tell the younger me everything would be alright, she wouldn't have faced her battles and come out the stronger and happier me.

There was so much fire in me, like a flame that had no end or beginning, it just burned brightly with no direction. Five years down the road that fire is still burning inside of me, but it has taken shape, glows a softer shade of red, and lights my way towards the future I'm imagining day by day. I keep thinking to myself this is what happiness means. This is what having a purpose feels like. I might not have all the details worked out, but I've got the vision, the passion, and the perseverance to make these dreams into my daily reality.

There comes a point in our lives where we just have to let go of all we know and start again. I'm at that point in my life, and although it is scary it is also beautiful. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I want to do my best to head towards it with determination and perseverance. I want to be the one writing my story and not reading it! I want to have the patience to let things play out instead of trying to rush everything. All the dreams I have will blossom in their own time. So for now I just want to nurture them and give them room to grow.

I want to start living the life I've imagined and take advantage of every chance to make a dream into my reality. I'm thankful that I have the time to see what else is out there, and create my future one day at a time.

I'm starting to understand what it means to "grow up"... 

I wrote this December 4th 2009 in my entry Bloom.  As I read this entry again I find myself thinking, "this is my season to bloom. Right now I am blooming into my true self, the me that has been lying in wait for me to claim her. In my own time I've finally gotten to that point where I realize the power I have to do something amazing in this world, with my life, for people I come across. I'm the author, the pen, the pages, the words, the thoughts, the... everything in my story. No one else can or will tell my story for me. I've got to do that. I'm the only one that can do that. After all, it is MY story, my life, my struggles, my discoveries, my mistakes, my dreams, and no one else's.

It feels like I am at that point in my life where my eyes are wide open and clear. My vision is filled with clarity about who I am, where I am going, who I want along for the ride, and just my purpose in this world. The future I'm walking towards looks so exciting, genuine, and very true to me. I can feel it deep down in my soul that I'm heading in the right direction. I'm on a journey that feels like its been waiting for me all this time. Waiting for me to be honest, to be courageous, to be myself. Everything feels so wonderful. The heaviness of the 18 year old me has faded into nothingness, and the hope, faith, and vision of the 23 year old me gives me so much joy.

My hope as you read my story, is that you find the inspiration you need to pick up that pen and write your own. No one has your style or understanding of who you are. So only you can write the words that become the pages of your life. It took me a long time to get to this part of my journey, but now that I am here, the path ahead is so clear. So lovely. The path I walk on has become smoother and my footsteps lighter. I told my mom the other day "Mom, I'm going to do amazing things in this world. I just know it!" I smile as I type that out. I believe it. I own it, and I have faith in me. I'm going to help so many people find their way, because that is my purpose. The one I've been given and the one I've chosen. To be a lighthouse in the dark and murky waters of life. To light their way back and guide them to safe shores. I've got dreams. I've got plans. I''ve got hope. I've got determination. I'm going to make it happen, one day at a time, one step at a time!

As long as we are persistent in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time.” ~Denis Waitley

Bloom where you are planted. 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 

People deal too much with the negative, what is wrong.... Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. Psalms 1:3

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~Mark Twain

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed. ~Bernard Edmonds

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

 Last Friday, I went to my friend's place for a Game Night, I haven't done that since college but it was a really good time. I needed that. The laughter, the silliness, the people. It was a good end to a semi-exhausting week.

Then on Saturday I had a little freak out about my life, my future, and what the heck I'm doing about all of it. It all started when I read this...okay I've been having these thoughts ever since I decided I am for sure renewing for a second year in Seoul. After making that decision, I've been freaking out a lot about it, about being away for another year, about delaying grad school or whatever I'm going to do as a career. I always wanted to stay for 2 years, and I'm going to but I'm still freaked out. Dollop Of Solipsism was asking the same questions I've been asking myself about what comes next after Seoul. I have another year to think things over, figure out where I want to be, want to do, and so on. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm wasting time by staying another year. An honest question. I don't believe I am. I'm not ready to go to grad school, or to decide what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I don't want to live that kind of 9-5 life yet. Especially when I'm still figuring out what I want to do as far as work goes. I enjoy my life here. I want to travel some more. I'm happy with my life right now. So I ask myself if that's okay? If living like this is really okay? It's not that I need permission to live my life the way I want, but sometimes it feels...I feel like I do.

So I freaked out Saturday night, and I just told myself I'll go to sleep and deal with everything in the morning. I finally went to sleep after spending an hour or two looking into careers I'm interested in. After sleeping on things, I woke up without any new clarity just some peace of mind. I'm okay, and I won't be an utter failure or spend my life wandering and never making a difference, never having a purpose, never making my dreams/golas come true. I just have to give myself time to figure things out, and while I have this time to wander, explore, and discover I can look into things, talk to people, and come to a decision when I'm ready. I think I really need to have a conversation with my mom about all of this, but I don't want to do it over the phone. My mom's opinion really matters to me, and I feel like she isn't okay with my decisions and that makes me doubt myself. I know we won't always agree, but I need her to believe that I'm doing well, and to trust that I'm making the right decision for me, for my happiness and peace of mind. This is a face to face conversation that has to wait till my winter vacation. I really want to sit down and talk to her about everything, and have her blessing and support. For her to be okay with me staying another year, not going to law school, and just changing from the daughter she always knew. I spent the rest of the weekend in seclusion in my partment because I needed time to sort myself out, and just breathe.

People are always saying to me that I'm only 23, I have plenty of time. I don't agree or believe that. I don't want to waste time. I don't want to avoid things. I don't want to live carelessly. I know that I will have to apply to grad schools and so on during my second year, which freaks me out, but I'm going to cross that bridge after crossing the ones before it. I've never lived thinking I have endless amount of time to do whatever I want. Time ends for all of us, and before mine is up I want to know that I've used it to help people, to help our youth; to inspire, comfort, understand, and aid them. Which is why I'm thinking towards counseling specifically guidance couseling, but then I wonder does that really allow me to make a difference? Am I really going to be in a position to help students/youth? Ahhhh....so many things to consider. I know what I want to do, but not how to do it or go about it. My sister and I talked a bit about all of this the other day, and it was good to get it all out. The thing is my sister always supports me in whatever I do, so she is kind of biased as far as advice goes. I'm going to talk to a few other people and ask them what they think, but at the end of the day the determining factor is what I think, feel, want, and need to be happy and feel successful in my life.

Enough of that, this week has been a really fantastic week at school. We've made it a Halloween week for all the grades we teach. Nothing but fun, fun, fun for all the kids and they've been loving it. I've scared the crap out of them each class sneaking up on them and spooking them. Some kids even fell to the floor in fear. They've been trying to scare me but it hasn't worked yet. I'm just happy they are so happy and having a good time. We had students become mummies, did mummy tag, made trick or treat baskets, did halloween worksheets, watched videos/ songs, and gave out so much candy. Some students even wore costumes they made for extra candy. I'm not big on Halloween, but from a kid's perspective I think it's a great time for their imaginations to go wild and for them to be carefree, and of course eat loads of candy. I felt like a kid again this week, the laughter, freedom, and high of youth. We are planning to do a Christmas Week for the kids too.

The weather has been sooooo cold this week, and I hope it doesn't stay like this. I want my Fall to stay for awhile before Winter comes and makes me miserable. I haven't used the ondol in my apartment yet. I'm trying to hold out until it gets really cold, but I am tempted to start using it. Especially when my feet are freezing from the wood floors even with two pairs of socks on. Are you already using yours?

Today, I had two of my 5th grade classes canceled which is a nice break for me, but I feel bad that they will miss out on Halloween till next Tuesday. On my way to school this morning I was carrying a large bag filled with candy, and one of the teachers just drove past me, picked up another teacher, and went on her way to school. She knows me, and it's not like she doesn't see me walking, but everytime she always keeps going, and only stops for other teachers. It kind of grates on my nerves, especially today when I had so much candy to carry up the steep hill. I don't understand her, but yeah it bugs me that she will pick up a teacher walking 10 feet ahead of me, but never me. Whatever.

I'm really happy today because I got my VIP ticket to the YG Family Concert last night. You have to buy the ticket on Gmarket, and everything is in Korean, but I know enough to figure out how to purchase a ticket. The site went down for almost an hour after it opened at 8 because everyone including me was sitting at their computer trying to get a good VIP seat. It was worth it, because I've got a good seat to see Taeyang, 2NE1, Se7en, Gummy, PSY. and hopefully Big Bang will have some new songs by then. I'm so excited since I couldn't  go to Taeyang's Solar concert last month. I like all of YG's artists so this should be a really good time. Haha...I plan to go to as many concerts as I can while I'm in Seoul because once I leave my chances to see them perform live are slim to none. I have to wait till December 4th, but now I have an early Christmas present to look forward to:)!!!

This weekend, my friend is having a scary movie night tonight. I don't like scary movies, so my eyes will  probably be covered during the goreathon, but it will be a good time with friends. Besides that I don't know what the weekend will hold. I need to take care of a few things, maybe do some winter shopping, and try to go somewhere I've never been yet.


It's hard to live in the now, when you are so aware of the future. So I still have to figure out "what comes next" for me. For now, it's another year in Seoul. After that, it gets blurry...

Okay, if you have not seen this video you need to stop whatever you are doing and watch it.


Have a great weekend everyone!!!!
FYI Yeoungdongpo Costco has Pumpkin pie, and it is D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S....^____^

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~