I just finished booking my lodgings for Jeju Island. I decided to stop procastinating last night and booked my tickets for Hong Kong, and a hostel. This was my first time using hostelworld.com so I hope everything works out and I have a great experience. But why am I NOT excited to finally have gotten everything done and in 2 weeks I will be on my way to a hopefully amazing adventure. I'm so strung out right now from the frustration of planning a trip. Seriously, it is not easy you have to find the best deal, you have to figure out where to stay, I still don't know what I'm going to do there so I need to buckle down and plan it flexibly. It's just not fun doing the planning. I'm waiting on tickets to Tokyo for September, I really hope the seat becomes available on my return flight. I won't get to spend my birthday in Tokyo, but I am for sure going there for Chuseok. That's a dream I'm going to grab onto and make happen. So HK (8/12-8/21), Jeju (8/22-8/26). I'm really doing this, I'm proud of me for trying, and I'm looking forward to it.

Last night I tried to book my flight to HK on Cathay Pacific, and no matter how many times I tried they kept rejecting my Korean and American cards. I called and got the run around and hours later I still didn't have a ticket and the flight I wanted was full. I literally wanted to say screw this and just go somewhere else. I started around 8 last nigt and I didn't go to sleep till around 3AM. It's 9:11 AM and I am so groggy but I wanted to finish this up. I was using my card and hostelworld and then it stopped working when I tried to book for Jeju. I woke up this morning to an email from my bank and fraudulent transactions. Lol...I cleared that up and was able to book my trip to Jeju. Everything is booked but why do I feel so nervous, anxious, and not at all excited to do this.

I'm such a baby. I know, but I'm trying to be brave and make my dreams and adventures come true one step at a time. I'm proud of myself for where I am and proud of myself for where I am going. I'm doing it on my own and even though I get scared I still perservere. Like Mandela said, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man (I'll add woman since we should be included) is not he (she) who does not feel afraid, but he (she) who conquers that fear." That is what I am trying to do by being here and traveling to other places. Conquering my fears and building up my courage over and over with every new experience I have, every fear I overcome. I'm doing it, even when I am trembling and feel sick to my stomach I am doing this. I just need to pat myself on the back and not get caught up in my own fears.

I'm feeling better. I'm not okay, but I am feeling better, stronger, calmer, and I am going to do my best to be thankful for him, and not let my sadness overwhelm me anymore. I got back from school on Friday, and collapsed onto my bed and didn't get up for the rest of the day. As day faded into night I cried, I cried so much that day. Everything I had been holding back all week came out, my sadness, my anger, my confusion, my...everything. I  let it all out that day, and I woke up yesterday feeling refreshed. I called my sister, and I poured my heart out to her, and being the person she is she gave it to me straight. I though she was cold, but her honesty and love for me really broke through my sadness. Basically she said you have to accept that he's dead, but that doesn't mean the love you have for him or the love he had for you is gone. You just have to be thankful, to not let the sadness you feel consume you. He wouldn't have wanted that. You can't keep pretending he's still here, he's gone and that's the truth. At first I was angry with her, I wanted comfort and she was giving me a lecture, but it was exactly what I needed and I knew it later on that she was right. I started to accept that he's really dead, and that my life still goes on.

I called my mom on Saturday, I hadn't called her all week because I didn't want my sadness to make her sadder. I can't describe the feeling my mom gives me, it's such a soothing comfort talking to her, hearing her voice, knowing how much she loves me. I am so thankful for my mother, and I pray I get a lot of time to show her how much I love her. You hear me God?! We talked about him, she got my letter to read at his wake/funeral which was changed till this coming Friday since so many people are coming from Nigeria, London, all over to be there. My heart is home, but I have responsibilities here and I know Big Daddy is smiling down on me and so I'll get through this sadness. I'll laugh, smile...I'll live brightly because that is what he wanted. I'm thankful for the past 10 years, and everything he gave me and taught me will still be here within me. On my wedding day in the far far future I'll feel his presence, I know it. So I won't cry too much, I won't keep myself locked in my apartment anymore. I'm going to let you go, and I'll miss you, but I know you'll always be a part of me. Thanks for being my dad, I love you forever and always Big Daddy:)!!!

I'm going to live thankfully, and just keep moving forward and reaching for my dreams like he always believed I could. I've got a lot of things I want to do, so I'm going to try my best to achieve them one at a time, one day at a time. I'm going to triumph over my fears one challege at a time. Cheer me on, support me, encourage me, and lets see what adventures lie ahead...

Thanks for all the love, it's made my heart lighter:)

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

• My favorite grade to teach is 5th grade. They aren't too childish or too immature. I love moments when I am not teaching and I can connect with my students by learning about their lives outside of my classroom.
• I tend to have the sweetest and funniest moments at subway stations. Like when I got stuck in the turnstile (the tragedy of big purses). Or when this kind stranger helped me carry all my groceries up those long flights of stairs. She was a sweetheart!!
• Living alone isn't so bad when I have music as my background noise. I've taken the time to decorate my apartment Lola O. style and it has made all the difference. It feels homey and is a welcome sight at the end of my day.
• I'm happiest here, when I am enjoying Seoul with other people. Sure there are things I will/want to experience on my own. But it is a nice feeling to explore Seoul/Korea with other people. Different eyes=different views/perspectives.
• The best part of teaching is when my students teach me something. Or when they apply something they've learned from me.
• I know now I will never live in a cold place after Korea. I can't get used to that feeling of being cold. It irks me.
• I love Home Plus brand Ramyun:)!
• Teaching well for me is like creating art, it takes practice, passion, and time.
• Eating alone some days isn't as lonely anymore. I think of it as my time to unwind and reflect.
• Just because we are all foreigners doesn't mean we will be best friends or even friends. I live in between two foreigners and they tend to keep to themselves. In my mind, we should at least be social once in a while.
• Korean do not all look the same, there is so much variety in appearance in my eyes.
• Wood floors are a pain to keep clean. Always dusty!
• I enjoy those moments where body language, Hangul(Korean), and English become intertwined and we find meaning/understanding. I encounter moments like that a lot here. I know a little Korean, they know a little English, and we figure out how to understand each other.
• Cash flows like water here, endlessly. I never really used cash in AZ and it is a little hard keeping track of my spending. I MUST RESIST SHOPPING:)!!!
• I'm stronger in someways, and weaker in others.
• I'm learning that change is a process that cannot be rushed or solved. It needs time for each step.
• I like walking everywhere. It makes me feel refreshed.
• I don't mind staring or curiosity, but please don't touch my hair without permission!
• Attitude determines everything in life. Sometimes things happen (that's life) and I get caught up in the moment, good/bad and forget that life is 10% what happens to you/me and 90% how you/I react.
• Sometimes I feel like I am the main attraction at the circus when little kids point at me and say look to whoever they are with. *Sigh* I'm learning to accept this unfortunately almost daily occurrence.
• Learning to think less, and experience more.
• Spitting everywhere you go is soooooooooooo NOT COOL. Honestly, I start to gag when I hear someone getting ready to spit. They make the most repulsive noise(s)!
• I have all these things I want to do, see, and experience in Seoul/Korea in general. I am realizing that I should spend so much time trying to cross things off my list, but focus more on enjoying each thing on my list.
• The people around you can make or break your experience. So choose people who will make it.
• Family and friends are always going to be there, by my side, even if I am on the other side of the world. Skype is my best friend these days. It really helps bridge the distance between my loved ones and I. I'm learning that I can find a place to call/make home no matter where I am.
• I feel like I might get cancer from second hand smoke due to the overwhelming # of (public)smokers here.
• Nigerians and Koreans have a lot in common as far as values and culture goes.
• I become a TINY bit of a fangirl when it comes to Lee Seung Gi, Kim Bum, and Taeyang (Big Bang)
• I really like the feeling of knowing the people/community around where I live. Like the adjumma who makes delicious kimbap, or the clothing store lady who likes singing American songs and gives me discounts, or the kids from my school I randomly see around the neighborhood. They always have a smile and say hello to me.
• Sometimes we have to jump first before we learn how to land.
• I'm realizing that I still haven't found that thing I LOVE TO DO. There are many things I like to do, but I don't want to spend my life only doing things I like to do. I would love to have a career doing something I love. At the same time, I remind myself I'm only 22. I'll figure it out one day.
• My love for Korean music, dramas, and fashion has now accepted Korean food on a trial and error basis.
• Laughter really is the cure for every ailment!!

That's A Wrap!!!

Only 8 more days before my journey to Seoul begins and I am surprisingly very calm about everything. For me that is a very weird state to be in. I am the kind of person who is checking and re-checking everything, running a zillion errands, and just making list after list of every possible thing that could happen. But for some reason, I am doing nothing of that sort right now.

I've just been watching tv shows, sleeping in, and being completely lazy. I was planning to do this and that, but everyday I am just taking it easy, and spending my days in a mellow kind of mood. It just feels weird, and last night as I was drifting to sleep it came to me that maybe this is the calm before the storm. Like something is going to set me off in the next 8 days into some kind of panic mode that will last till I leave.

I don't know it just feels weird to be so relaxed and at ease. I just feel like what will be, will be, and that when the time comes I will deal with it the best I can. Maybe I am really changing into one of those laid back sorta people (highly unlikely)! It feels good not to be all wound up and going a million miles per hour. I really hope this calm lasts and that I can leave in this kind of peaceful state of being. It feels like someone places their hand on my heart and steadied it. I just know that everything is going to be okay. I am going to be okay.

Everything just feels right this time, and I am scared this feeling of serenity is just an illusion. I feel great these days, and I am crossing my fingers it lasts. I told myself 2010 is my year to shine brightly, grow into my own person, and live my life the way I want. I just don't want anything getting in my way again. Sometimes when it feels to good to be true, it turns out to be completely false and I don't want that to be my story.

Six months ago I was in over my head in a lot of ways, and now I just feel right. Life makes sense. The future looks so promising and full of possibilities. I don't want to lose this feeling of purpose and direction that I have now. It feels good to know that even though I might not know exactly where I am going, or what I will be doing, at least I am giving it my all, and doing my best to live well in every way.

I am happy, peaceful, and no longer drifting or lost in this maze of life. I'm excited to finally jump into life and it all starts with Seoul. I just have this feeling that this is only the beginning of even more amazing experiences for me. I feel like I am finally starting to bloom and take root in this world. It is a fragile feeling, and I am doing my best to keep it alive each day.

I guess this is what it means to feel alive, and boy do I fee alive these days. I look at the world and see it with so much more clarity. I see myself with so much more color and depth, and I just know that I can do this, I can and will do this. That I am strong enough to handle whatever and whoever comes my way.

Life is wonderful, and I have a feeling it will only get better with each passing day. I 'm excited to finally make this all a reality and take it all in one day at a time, one step at a time. I'm ready to be challenged, to make mistakes, to stretch myself in surprising directions. I am ready to do walk on this path of life with my own two feet and see where the road takes me.

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

* Happy Dance*

I've been kind of moody lately, and so today I took a me, myself, and I day. I went and saw When In Rome, it was nothing special but it definitely was cheesy enough to lighten up my mood. I got some cavity inducing goodies and pizza from my favorite place to end the day with. Then, when I got home, I saw the express package on the dining table and it made me smile. It was my passport with the visa inside of it:).

I didn't go crazy with excitement, but it was just one of those happy moments we have in life. I don't know what my deal is but my excitement about going to Korea is of a very mellow kind these days. I don't go wild with excitement...it is more is a simmering kind of joy. Maybe, it is because I know what it is like when things don't go according to plan. Maybe this is my way of protecting myself from feeling the way I did in August.

I don't have the answer, I just know that this time around it feels different. I feel different; as if there is a certain bittersweet maturity this time around. Maybe, that is why I am waiting to buy my ticket till after I see my doctor next week. I just feel like I have to wait till after I see him to take that next step and make it all real and final. I guess maybe I'm a little scared things will get screwed up again that I am limiting my excitement. Who knows...

Well, I have my visa, I am 98% packed, and the last thing I have to do is buy my plane ticket to Seoul for this dream to become a reality. I am planning to leave the night of Feb.24th so I can get to Seoul the morning of Feb.26th. The time difference makes it feel like I am on this epic voyage, even though the journey is about 18 hours.

Can't really say I am looking forward to being on a plane for that long, but hopefully since I am leaving at night I will just sleep for most of it. We shall see...

Only 26 more days left before a new chapter in my life begins...I'm looking forward to it with a smile and an open-mind/heart.

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

Originally posted on my Six Months Till Korea blog, but I thought it should be shared with a wider audience. Enjoy:)

One of the main reasons I write my thoughts down is so I can reflect on them in the future, but even more importantly to see how far I have come and how much farther I need to go. This week has been a week of reflection, dreams, chances, but more importantly it has been a week of living and enjoying the moment.

I tend to wear my thinking cap way too much, and can get wrapped up in my head without seeing what is really going on in my life. I made a promise to myself that 2010 is going to be my year, my season, my time to shine and bloom, and I am doing my best to stay true to myself and to keep that promise.

Maybe it is just me, but it felt like for a long time I was just existing in life and not really living it, not letting myself enjoy it for all its flaws and wonder. I always thought I had to be someone other than the person I am. Always trying to change myself for the better, when sometimes it was more about accepting myself than changing me. I can smile now when I say that, because I am finally becoming the woman I want to be, and doing it in my own way and in my own time.

Everyone of us has a journey to take, and mine has taken me in different directions on the way to where I am now. I don't know what the future holds but I know I am excited to live my life going towards it. I think it all comes down to how you see yourself, and how you want the world to see you. That should be your choice and only yours to make. I keep thinking about my favorite Thoreau quote about living your life the way you have imagined it to be and it is so true.

This is your life, and as far as I know we only get this one chance to live it. So why live a life you don't want, a life you don't love? One day we will all return to the earth, and I for one don't want to be tangled up in regrets upon regrets. I'm 22 years old, and for the first time in my life I feel in sync with myself as far as who I am now and who I want to be in the future. I understand myself better. Accept myself with every flaw, scar, and beauty inside of me.

When I got into college I had a plan for how I wanted my life to be, but I am realizing that it wasn't necessarily me following my dreams, but more of me following the safe path to success. I don't regret the path I chose, because it has helped me get to this point in my life, and I have met wonderful people along the way, and have had opportunities that shaped me into the present version of myself.

I feel comfortable in my own skin, and even in those moments of doubt and insecurity I know that I am going to be just fine because like my mom says, "It is well with my soul." We all stumble, we all fall, but we all have to remember to pick ourselves back up and take it one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one day at a time. Living is about choices, leaps of faith, and chances. Sometimes we wait too long to do something that we miss out on it entirely.

It always comes down to fear; the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of pain, the fear of everything and anything you can imagine. Fear is like a plague on the human soul. It crushes our spirits, steals our dreams, and leaves us broken. Fear is friend to no one, and an enemy to all, but for me I am realizing that fear will always be there and it is up to me to overcome it, and live the life I have imagined. It is never and easy thing to overcome fear, but it is as necessary as breathing.

Over two years ago, I decided to not go straight to law school after graduation, and instead to let myself explore what else life has to offer. My family wasn't exactly excited about that decision, but they supported me and have always supported me. Something I am deeply thankful to them for. It was scary changing course like that, but it felt right, it still feels right. I was walking along a path that wasn't clear and felt more like a burden than a gift. Anyone that knows me, knows that when I make up my mind about something it rarely changes.

So deciding not to apply for law school  was a big deal, but it was the best decision I could have made for me. I was young, I am young, and I had barely experienced what life has to offer outside of a classroom. There is so much to see, so much to do, that it makes me tremble with all those endless possibilities. It feels right to go to Seoul, to travel outside of my comfort zone and give myself this year to bloom. To stretch myself, and test my limits away from the comforts I have now.

Sure I am scared, but even that fear is a beautiful thing. Like Eleanor says, "we must do the things we are afraid to do," only then will we ever know what we are capable of. If we all stay in our little boxes we will never know what is beyond those cardboard walls. Going to Seoul is a chance to explore more of the world while discovering more of me. Going to Seoul is a choice that will take me down a new path and lead me towards another. I'm excited to be doing this, to be making one dream into my reality.

But for me it is not just about going to Seoul, it's about being the young woman I want to be. This quotes sums it up best:

There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isn’t thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on. -Unknown-

Years from now I don't want to regret not saying what was in my heart, not traveling to places I dreamed of seeing, and I don't want to regret not living the life I have imagined for me. I was thinking yesterday about my future and where I see myself years from now. I kept thinking about what exactly am I going to do for a living in the future. I always wanted to practice law, and it is still my dream but there is a part of me that is still searching for that career that feels like it was made just for me.

There is so many possibilities in this world, so many places we can go, and so many things we can do, that I worry that I will get lost in the choices and never find the one for me. Before, I thought success was measured by the amount of money I would make, but as I got older I realized that success is defined by me and no one else. Success for me is not about money, but the way I choose to live my life. I know I want to help people like me, people searching, people drifting, people who are lost, and people who come from fragmented families like me.

I know I want to help others discover themselves, and make their own dreams a reality. I know I want to do something and be someone that inspires others to live their life the way they have imagined it to be. I know I want to be the advocate for those whose voices are silenced. I know I want to leave a legacy of positive change, and inspire people to lift their voices, and use their bodies to help those that cannot. The problem is that even though I know this much, I have no idea how to make that into a career for me.

I've always felt my calling was law, and in a lot of ways I still do. The question then is what kind of lawyer should I be. I have been thinking a lot lately about being a human rights lawyer and focusing on helping the youth whether in domestic cases or international ones. I've always advocated and looked out for the people around me, and I feel like my voice could be the voice they need. But then, there are so many other careers besides law that I could be the one for me...

I don't know, these are just some thoughts racing circles inside of me. I'm at that point in my life where it is  feels okay to feel this unsure about my future, and to get a little lost along the way, because I believe with all my heart that one day in a moment all will be revealed to me. I just have to continue living my life and letting my footsteps lead me closer to where I am supposed to be.

I'm sharing all of this because I know there are other people out there, who like me are trying to figure out their place in this world. Who are beating themselves up for being lost, when they should remember that sometimes you have to get lost in order to find and be found. We are always changing so don't hold yourself back, take a deep breathe and jump. Jump, and let yourself go...