Hello lovely readers! I hope your Wednesday has been chugging along nicely. Mine has been pretty good. No classes. Yummy Korean food made by my 6-5 kids, and plenty of time to do some research for grad school. My head is swimming with questions, but my path is clear. I'm looking forward to grad school. I am however not looking forward to the process of getting there:)!

This is my second week back and my heart is still at home. I'm not going to rush myself into getting back into the groove of things. I'll feel better when I feel better. However, I'm not going to spend my time moping around either. There is a whole lot of things to do, and I plan to start checking them off my list. I'm laughing at myself as I write this, while I shake my head in wonder at my weirdness. I'm not making any sense, right?!These days I'm so filled with happiness, that some people think I'm high. Really, I'm just high on the awesomeness of life. High and thankful, very very thankful!

Tomorrow my 6th graders graduate. I got the yearbook last week, and it amazed me that for the past year I was their teacher and they were my students. It's been a rollercoaster ride, with more ups than downs, more highs than lows. I'm going to miss them, but in my heart I wish them the best in their future years. I've got a few students I'm really going to miss, so I hope they come back to visit me in my last year. I need to remember to take my camera to school tomorrow.

Last week I was pretty worn out, and I guess all the teachers found out, because so far everyone I meet asks me about my health with this extremely concerned look on their face. I am thankful for their concern but really I'm fine. I think, no I know being homesick and jetlagged was/is a toxic combination. I'm still waking up at odd hours but my internal clock is finding its rhythm again. Thank goodness.

Over the weekend I went to a birthday dinner on Friday and then a goodbye dinner on Saturday for two of my friends that are leaving. I'm really sad about them leaving. There is just so much leaving going on this month and it make my heart sad. My awesome co is leaving for 6 months to train. My teacher friend is leaving cause she's having a baby. My other co found out she is pregnant and is not going to be and English teacher next year. This year is going to be full of change, and inside I'm screaming NOOOOO!!!

I don't take change well, but I'm trying to. I'm learning to, because really in life there will always be change. So I'm making the choice to be positive about all the changes, and go into this new school year with an open mind and heart. To breathe, and take things as they go. To just be patient with myself and with the changes that will happen. I'm choosing to live my life that way. Things are not going to go my way all the time, or be easy, but if I try my best to take things as they come and make the best of it I know my life will be that much better.

On Monday, my teacher friend who's having a baby and I went to dinner. Our goodbye dinner since she is switching schools and you know, having a baby. I'm really exhausted with that word, with having to say goodbye. I've been saying it a lot in the last month and I don't like it. I really don't. I wish I could be in all these places at once so I wouldn't have to miss out on anything, but life isn't like that. We miss out on some chapters so we can write others. I'm really going to miss her. Her and I could really talk, and she gave me a lot of good advice. I'm going to miss having someone to vent to about school stuff, and to talk to about life stuff. Once people have babies they disappear from my life:(!

I know I'm being melodramatic:)! I will see her again, because I'll take the time to. I hope to see my friends who are leaving again. One day in the future it would be nice to see each other in the lives we lead then. For now I've got to keep going down my own path. I've got all these dreams, goals, wishes, plans, hopes... whatever you want to call it and I have to walk the path towards making them real. I'm looking into the future past this one year and I know I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. It makes me cringe when I think about having to work hard, but I know nothing I want will happen by me waiting for it. So I will boldly go forth and work hard towards all my future somethings.

I've got the next week off and I plan to use my time wisely. I want to spend my days preparing for the next year and making this year an amazing year overflowing with experiences, adventures, and growth. Afterall it is my last year.

To my friends that are leaving I wish even more amazing experiences come your way. I'm going to miss you, but lets meet again. Thank you for all the memories, adventures, and laughter. I hate the finality of goodbye, so I’ll stick with see you later. Something to look forward to instead of something I leave behind.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Sidenote: I'd love it if you all took some time to check out Be A Light In The Dark. My hope is that it/I will inspire you...

I don't know if it is just homesickness, but I've just been in this limbo since I got back to Seoul. I haven't even unpacked my suitcases yet! Very unlike me! I just don't want to unpack yet. I don't want to settle back in yet. I'm not ready to. This has been a rough week, but tomorrow is Friday so that's the rainbow in my week:)!

I went to work on Monday, after not being able to sleep from 3AM. I survived that day, and went straight to sleep once I got home. I woke up at 7AM on Tuesday. I went to school. I couldn't make it through my first period. I slept till lunch, ate lunch, and went home on sick leave. I could barely stand, I was so fatigued. I took Wednesday off, because I really just needed a day of rest. I slept in. I cooked. I skyped, and then I slept some more. I woke up around 3AM on Wednesday from a nightmare about these little men (clowns) trying to break into my house in AZ. It really shook me up because I am terrified of clowns, so I called home to make sure everything was okay. Everything was, and by God's grace it will stay that way.

I spent most of the early morning writing, reading old entries, and listening to music. I chatted with an old friend, and got ready for school. I taught 3 of my 5 classes, and went home to find my internet was not working. Long story, but I'll have to deal with it tomorrow, or rather my co will. I fell asleep at my desk, woke up, cooked dinner, went to Home Plus, and now I am eating cake, listening to Mat Kearney, and writing. Everything feels a little weird. I feel weird, not necessarily in a bad way. Just in a weird way. I'm looking forward to the end of the month break. I need to rest, to get myself out of limbo, and start making the most of my year here. My second and last year in Seoul.

At this point I'm missing home too much to actually feel very excited for this next year. I've got dreams and plans for this year. As much as it is my year in Seoul it is also a transitional year for me. I've got to figure out about grad school, and the chapters that come after this one. I'm not worried. I just know everything is going to fall into place as it should. I'm excited to wrap up my Seoul chapters and start building the career I want for myself. Now that I am finally so sure of what I want to do I cannot wait to get started on the path that will lead me there. Even so, I've got to enjoy my time here. I want to explore more of Korea than other parts of Asia. I just want to go boldly and bravely into this year, and really stretch myself and see what places and people I reach.

I'm really thankful for this life I am living. For all the dreams that have come true. For all the people that have helped me along the way in one way or another. I'm really thankful for my fighting spirit and my trying heart. I'm thankful for so many small things and moments that led to big discoveries, experiences, and realizations. I'm just really thankful to be living my life. To have the opportunity to explore and enjoy it. This really is my year. My year to be brave, bold, and true in everything I do, with everyone I meet, and everywhere I go. A stepping stone for all the years that come after this one. My year to bloom brighter, to soar higher, and to grow even more.

I'm happy. I'm thankful. I'm homesick. I'm so many little things, but more than anything I'm just so peaceful these days. I feel good from the inside out, and I hope I can pass on some of this goodness to the people around me. Enjoy your night/day and remember you are awesome, period.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

My body is back here in Seoul, but my heart is still at home with the family and friends I've left behind for another year. Leaving this second time around was so much harder and more emotional. There were so many instances I wanted to cry, like when my grandma started crying as she prayed for me, as I prayed for her, and we said our goodbyes. Or when I looked back down the escalators to see my mom still standing there watching me head to my gate. I really wanted to cry but I held it in, and tried to smile as I waved back at her and told her I loved her.

My mom drove me to the airport, we left the house around 6:00 AM, and got there around 6:30 AM. Everything was going fine until it came time to check in my two luggages. I knew already I'd have to pay excess because both were 70lbs. I had brought a lot of my favorite foods, seasonings, and such to last me a year. I told the counter lady it was $50 per bag, because that is what it says in the airline baggage policy. She said she had to check and called Asiana Airlines. She told me to get into this other line and when I get up to the counter she'd let the person know how much they would be. As we waited in the other line, another woman came and told us to come with her, and tried to do everything all over again. I tried to explain to her there was another woman already doing it, but she wasn't really listening. Thank goodness the other woman came, and what would you know the bags were $50, like I said. It took forever to check in, they did a lot of running around, and all I could do was laugh. This is life's unexpected curve balls.

I hugged my mom goodbye and went up the escalator stairs and heard her call out to me to take care of myself and that she loved me. I told her not to cry and that I loved her, and would see her in a year. I got in line for security, got all my stuff ready, and went through the monitor. It kept beeping. Great...not. I had nothing on me, so the lady was like it has to be the under wire in my bra. She said I'd have to wait and do a full body scan before I could leave. I just smiled, and said let's do this. Honestly, I was laughing wondering if the whole journey would be like this, and it turned out to be full of unexpected moments.

She did the scan, cleared me and I headed to my gate. I waited half and hour and then we boarded. Everything seemed fine, but as the plane taxied out they suddenly said something was wrong with the fuel indicators and we would have to have it looked at. This led to a two hour delay. We waited on the plane as they had people come out and check what was wrong with the plane. I wasn't too mad over this since I had a whole exit row to myself on this flight. Pure heaven. So comfortable! The only problem was I had a connecting flight in Seattle at 1:20 PM. Originally I was supposed to arrive at 10:31 PM, I didn't arrive till 12:10 PM. Thank goodness Asian delayed the flight because of connecting flights like mine. I made my flight. It was a full flight so no exit row for me, but at least I got my aisle seat this time around.

The flight was fine. These kind men all stood up to help me with my carry-on, as we boarded and as we landed. The food was okay. I watched Charlie St. Cloud, Cyrano Agency, and Step Up 3. I really liked Step Up 3 because Moose is sooooo adorable:)! Hahaha...I slept when I didn't watch movies, and walked around to get the stiffness out of my legs. I arrived in Seoul around 6:30 PM. 20 minutes behind schedule. I went through immigration and when I got to customs I had the pleasure of being chosen to have my carry-on searched. Got that done, found the bus home, and headed back to my apartment.

As I headed home on the bus I felt a feeling of not belonging here, but it soon changed just as the roads changed the closer I got to my place. This is my life right now, for the next year this is my life and I am going to embrace it. I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to live it. As I got to the bus stop by my place my friend came to help me with my luggages. I got to my apartment and when I got inside I had this overwhelming urge to cry. I just wanted to cry because I was missing home so much, I am still missing it so much. I never realized how much I'd enjoy being back home. I think sometimes you need to go home to remember where you came from, who you were, and to bring back those pieces of yourself you left behind there. That's how it felt for me. Home really is where my heart is, where it will remain.

Before I left Seoul, I wrote a letter to myself to read when I got back. I smiled as I saw the letter waiting for me on the table. As I read the words I wrote on 1/14/2011 I smiled because everything I wanted from myself happened in the past three weeks, and will continue to happen. I wanted to be brave, to be honest, to be bold, and true in everything I do and that is how I am living. Being myself, and trying my best. This is happiness, and it won't disappear no matter where in the world I am.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

As always hello my wonderful readers! I hope that life has been treating you with kindness. I've got two days left here in Arizona, and I am so sad about leaving. I just know saying goodbye to my family and friends here is going to make me cry. I leave Saturday morning, and I am just wishing I had a few more days to spend with all the people I love here.

When I was coming back I didn't realize I would love being home so much. I felt like I had outgrown my life here, but coming back made me appreciate what I have here, who I have here. My family and my friends here have been by my side through so much, and this year away is going to be a lot harder than the first one. I'm still going, but my once light heart is now heavy when I think about another year before I get to see them, hug them, share my life with them. *Sigh* I just really don't want to end up crying at the airport on Saturday but I feel like I will. This place, these people are my home. They've always been, and it took leaving them behind to come back again. I know this year will be even sweeter because I know I won't stay longer in Korea. After this year I will return to my home, to my family, to my friends, and start new chapters in my story.

I'm excited for my future. For this second year of growth in Korea, the memories I will have, the friends I will enjoy, and for all the years of discovery that come after these Seoul chapters end. Everyone here has talked about how happy I look, and it is true. I am happy. Not just because I went abroad for a year. I am happy with the young woman I am right now. This 23 year old me amazes me with the strength and will power she has to overcome, to discover, to try. I'm so happy and proud of myself. There truly is beauty, happiness, and freedom in being yourself and letting yourself discover, explore, and create who you are. To know that only you can define that, and only you can change that. Only you can be the author of your life.

Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror and the smile on my face amazes me. This is what living is. This is what being alive feels like. Sincere, honest, and genuine effort. That is how I try to live my life. 2010 was my year to grow, and now 2011 is my year to bloom, and already my rainbow of colors is stretching across this world. I'm looking forward to more adventures, challenges, and discoveries this year. When I first came to Korea it was to get away for a bit and become my own person. To be the only voice guiding me along this journey of life. To figure out who I am and who I want to be. I know who I am and I know who I want to be, where I want to be, and what I want in my future.

This peace and clarity inside of me about this second year, and all the chapters to follow fills me up with joy. When I came home I prayed for answers to what my future would look like, and I got enough to start forming an image of what lays ahead for me. I'm excited to work towards that bright and happy future. I'm excited to make my dreams come true. I'm excited to learn, to grow, to try, to live my life with enthusiasm and a lot of heart. 

I'm so thankful for the people in my life who have all had a hand in getting me this far, and I know they will be at my side as I go even farther into my journey of life. I really am blessed with an amazing family, and friends who are family to me. I'm thankful to all the people who've made the past three weeks wonderful. All the memories, laughter, stories, love, and time they've given me will be saved inside of me for those moments when I really miss them. I have a feeling the first month back is going to be rough. I'm going to be very homesick, and to make matters sadder, I'll have to say goodbye to friends who are heading back home, or continuing their journey somewhere else. Instead of saying goodbye, I will just say "see you later!" I'm going to miss them, but I know the times we shared won't disappear because they'll be the memories we carry with us everywhere we go.

I'm very thankful for all the love, blessings, and amazing moments I've had these past three weeks. I'm going to make the most out of my last 2 days here, and when I do leave I'll do my best to smile and not cry. It feels like Seoul was a dream I dreamed long ago. I realize now that home is here, it always has been. I left in order to come back and realize that all along this was where I belonged. I know this year is going to be amazing. It's going to be a year of triumph, laughter, and lots of fun. I'm going to make it that way. I'm going to keep living my life and forging my future with each present day.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

I never understand what causes these bouts of homesickness I get. Maybe it's because I haven't been feeling well. Or that I keep thinking about my mom througout my day. Or that I really wish I could see my best friend and hug her. I'm going home in January for a few weeks, and it's a bittersweet feeling. I have so many people I want to see and spend time with, but the time I have won't be enough. I worry that I won't want to leave them for another year.

I'm sitting in my apartment in the dark with only the glow of my computer screen the only light and I miss home. I want to call my mom. Talking to my mom is like the best medicine for my soul. She just makes it better, period. We could be talking about mundane things  but hearing her voice and her laugh just brings me back to earth. I miss her. I cannot wait to see her in January and have her hold me. Just be together. I can't wait to see how much my baby brother has grown up. See his apartment. Stalk him at school:)! I cannot wait to see my sister, and just be together. Shopping, eating, talking. I cannot wait to spend some time with my best friend. Lately, I've been missing her more than usual, and am really thankful for her. I cannot wait to see my two dearest friends and their baby girls. So many beautiful babies to see. I can't wait for a DABA reunion. So many little things I can't wait for. Which is why my school needs to tell me asap when camp is so I can book my flight and make this trip home legit. I'm excited to see them, hug them, be with them for however many days we get. I'm looking forward to being around the people who keep me rooted in this world. Today I miss them more tha usual, so I feel a bit sad inside my heart. I don't know why I get like this, so emotional, but for some reason today I just miss what I had. I miss my home, my people, my...IDK I just miss everything.

Maybe it's the weather, or just my moody self. Whatever the reason, I'm in a funky mood, so I am going to watch Glee and try to cheer up. I guess being alone isn't the best thing when I'm homesick but I really don't want to go outside in this weather and try to meet up with people. Everyone is sleeping back home so I can't call them. Damn time difference. I've got tomorrow off, and I plan to make the most of my day. I'm going to enjoy every second of it.

"Even Now" by Dashboard Confessional
Even now I can feel your eyes

Watch me as I strum
Much too late at night
Even now I can see you smile
I can hear you hum
I can hear you sing
And I always can find you again
Even in the dark of night
Even in the lowest light
Even as the world outside
Is spinning, and spinning




Be blessed.
~Lola O.~

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm feeling so emotional and blue today, well actually all week. I guess that since it's my birthday week I thought the universe would comply and give me a break for the week. I just wanted to have a really good week, but I haven't. It's not that anything major that has happened, but small things put together are weighing me down a bit.  I think I'm coming down with something, because I haven't been feeling well all week. Today, for some reason, I have been feeling really homesick all day. No wonder I'm known as the emotional child.
I've been thinking of my sister all week, and I called her yesterday but she sounded so tired, that I told her we could talk later. Back home, my sister and I talked everyday on the phone, probably at least 3 times if not more during the day. She lives in Florida, so the phone is our bridge that connects our lives. I used to get annoyed about that, saying we didn't need to know every little detail of each others lives, and would limit her to twice a day for updates. Lol...now with this time difference it's hard to find a good time to catch up on everything going on with us. I just miss her a lot these days, and like they say you don't know what you have until it's gone, or until you are far from it. I miss the comforts of the people, places, and things that are back home in AZ. I feel out of touch, out of the loop, with everyone and everything, and unable to hold onto what was. Everything and everyone is changing, including me, but not together. I get that we all have our seperate lives, but I don't want us to drift apart as each of us follows our own path. Long distance anything is a challenge.

I think a big part of my homesickness is my worry and concern for the people back home that I love. It's not that I think I have the power to fix everything, but I know that I can help, and that they need me, but I need me too. It's all about that balance I'm trying to find. Between my needs/wants, and theirs. I'm going to be 23 but I feel so much older than my age. I went to dinner with some friends yesterday, and I was telling them I wonder what it feels like to be young. They said that I am young, and I laughed because I might be young in age, but not in my mind or in my life. I feel like I was born old, and as I grew up all the responsibilities and situations didn't leave much room to be a kid. Being here though, I have moments where I get that sense of youth. The mistakes we make, the insecurities we have, the experiences we cultivate, and the people who shape us along the way, but most of all  I see the beauty of our youth. It's a time given to us to hit the roughest patches in our journey and pull ourself out. We can reinvent ourselves time and time again. We fall in and out of friendships, love, jobs...etc. There is so much freedom in youth. I'm finally tasting that freedom, but that feeling of responsibility makes me feel guilty sometimes. It's like I'm giving myself this time to play around for and then after I'll back to reality.

Last night, I got off on the wrong stop on my way home and decided to walk the rest of the way to my apartment. At first I was mad I got off early, but then I thought of it as an opportunity to let my thoughts wander a little while longer. As they wandered I thought of what home means to me, or what I want it to be. Home is a place where I feel like I belong, not just a place I feel needed. I haven't reached that place yet, and maybe all this traveling and wandering will lead me back to where I started. Who knows, I surely don't. Maybe instead of finding a place, I should be creating one. Like most life questions, there isn't a black and white, right or wrong answer to my thoughts. Honestly, I don't know what my deal is, but I'm just feeling a lot, missing a lot, and wondering about a lot. I do know that I shouldn't try to hold it all, or pretend it away. Even though I chose to leave it doesn't make being away easier. The chapters of my life that came before this one are all grounded in AZ and that's all I've known. This will be the first time I'll spend my birthday without my family and DABA. It's weird not to share it with them. I'm thankful for the friends I have here who have been like family these past months. I know we'll have a good time, but there is that weird feeling of something missing. Ahhh...I've really got the blues today. Let me just stop there before I get even more whiny and wheepy on you.

As I walked to school this morning, I looked up at the sky, and thought to myself "everything is going to be okay" for everyone. This moment, this season, this feeling, this... all passes in time. They are but brief interludes in the grand scheme of things. Those were the thoughts that started my day, and I'm not going to let any blues keep me down. As I look out the windows of my classroom I see the sun smiling down from the sky and reflecting off the glass, it warms my heart. I take a deep breath and I hear my mom's favorite thing to day, "it is well" and so it is. Time is the best cure.



Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

"Each new year brings hope and meaning." -Paper Route "Sing You To Sleep"