Lola O.
Honestly, I don't even know why I'm feeling so emotional and blue today, well actually all week. I guess that since it's my birthday week I thought the universe would comply and give me a break for the week. I just wanted to have a really good week, but I haven't. It's not that anything major that has happened, but small things put together are weighing me down a bit.  I think I'm coming down with something, because I haven't been feeling well all week. Today, for some reason, I have been feeling really homesick all day. No wonder I'm known as the emotional child.
I've been thinking of my sister all week, and I called her yesterday but she sounded so tired, that I told her we could talk later. Back home, my sister and I talked everyday on the phone, probably at least 3 times if not more during the day. She lives in Florida, so the phone is our bridge that connects our lives. I used to get annoyed about that, saying we didn't need to know every little detail of each others lives, and would limit her to twice a day for updates. with this time difference it's hard to find a good time to catch up on everything going on with us. I just miss her a lot these days, and like they say you don't know what you have until it's gone, or until you are far from it. I miss the comforts of the people, places, and things that are back home in AZ. I feel out of touch, out of the loop, with everyone and everything, and unable to hold onto what was. Everything and everyone is changing, including me, but not together. I get that we all have our seperate lives, but I don't want us to drift apart as each of us follows our own path. Long distance anything is a challenge.

I think a big part of my homesickness is my worry and concern for the people back home that I love. It's not that I think I have the power to fix everything, but I know that I can help, and that they need me, but I need me too. It's all about that balance I'm trying to find. Between my needs/wants, and theirs. I'm going to be 23 but I feel so much older than my age. I went to dinner with some friends yesterday, and I was telling them I wonder what it feels like to be young. They said that I am young, and I laughed because I might be young in age, but not in my mind or in my life. I feel like I was born old, and as I grew up all the responsibilities and situations didn't leave much room to be a kid. Being here though, I have moments where I get that sense of youth. The mistakes we make, the insecurities we have, the experiences we cultivate, and the people who shape us along the way, but most of all  I see the beauty of our youth. It's a time given to us to hit the roughest patches in our journey and pull ourself out. We can reinvent ourselves time and time again. We fall in and out of friendships, love, jobs...etc. There is so much freedom in youth. I'm finally tasting that freedom, but that feeling of responsibility makes me feel guilty sometimes. It's like I'm giving myself this time to play around for and then after I'll back to reality.

Last night, I got off on the wrong stop on my way home and decided to walk the rest of the way to my apartment. At first I was mad I got off early, but then I thought of it as an opportunity to let my thoughts wander a little while longer. As they wandered I thought of what home means to me, or what I want it to be. Home is a place where I feel like I belong, not just a place I feel needed. I haven't reached that place yet, and maybe all this traveling and wandering will lead me back to where I started. Who knows, I surely don't. Maybe instead of finding a place, I should be creating one. Like most life questions, there isn't a black and white, right or wrong answer to my thoughts. Honestly, I don't know what my deal is, but I'm just feeling a lot, missing a lot, and wondering about a lot. I do know that I shouldn't try to hold it all, or pretend it away. Even though I chose to leave it doesn't make being away easier. The chapters of my life that came before this one are all grounded in AZ and that's all I've known. This will be the first time I'll spend my birthday without my family and DABA. It's weird not to share it with them. I'm thankful for the friends I have here who have been like family these past months. I know we'll have a good time, but there is that weird feeling of something missing. Ahhh...I've really got the blues today. Let me just stop there before I get even more whiny and wheepy on you.

As I walked to school this morning, I looked up at the sky, and thought to myself "everything is going to be okay" for everyone. This moment, this season, this feeling, this... all passes in time. They are but brief interludes in the grand scheme of things. Those were the thoughts that started my day, and I'm not going to let any blues keep me down. As I look out the windows of my classroom I see the sun smiling down from the sky and reflecting off the glass, it warms my heart. I take a deep breath and I hear my mom's favorite thing to day, "it is well" and so it is. Time is the best cure.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

"Each new year brings hope and meaning." -Paper Route "Sing You To Sleep"
3 Responses
  1. My birthday is coming up. Maybe we can get together to celebrate. But what are you doing for Chuseok...did you say you are going to Japan...if you will be free let me know. :)

  2. Lola O. Says:

    I leave for Japan on the 21-26. Gabi's b-day is the 22nd, and yours is the 30th so we should do something to celebrate. It's kind of cool that we are all September babies.

  3. I love that you are using DABA.

    I felt the same way too when I was away..."I feel out of touch, out of the loop, with everyone and everything, and unable to hold onto what was. "

    Its not that everything will be the same when you get back, because it won't....but at the same time it will feel like you never left.

    So continue exploring, living, loving Korea and know that home will always be here for you.