I've got 27 minutes to relax before my ASP starts. I just finished teaching my two summer camp classes, and I feel a bit tired, but it's a good peaceful kind of feeling. Last night, was the first time in a few weeks that I had a really good and peaceful sleep. I woke up with a smile on my face, I can't describe how peaceful I felt. I even woke up early. I had been praying for God to give me peace of mind and peace of heart, to let all the heaviness and sadness I felt wash away. I've been a bit of a zombie, but I am slowly waking up and getting back to living my life.

The sadness I feel not having him alive anymore is still there, but I'm not letting it overwhelm or control me. I've decided to be thankful for the father he is to me, the man he is to me. His death doesn't change who he is, and I will always have him in my heart. It's hard being away from home, but I am so thankful for my family, for them being there to listen to me, and for my friends trying their best to make me feel even a little better. I'm smiling and laughing and living again, because life goes on and I have to go on to. Now I can just miss him, now I can just smile and flip through my memories of him. He is a great man, and I'm so thankful that I had him in my life for the last ten years. I know I'm not the only one who misses him or loved him. He touched so many lives, and all that love is still here.

They held a sort of memorial for him this past Sunday, and Thursday is the wake, and Friday is the funeral. I gave them a letter to read on my behalf, and I know he's smiling down on me, and cheering me on up there is heaven. I'm going to be thankful, and I'm going to live my life joyfully. I guess I'm at that acceptance part. I can't change the fact that he's dead, but that doesn't mean he's gone, and that doesn't mean I should be sad forever. I keep replaying our last coversation before I left, and I know he'd be proud of me for coming this far, and he'll be watching and helping me go even farther. He gave me strength and courage all the time, and it makes me smile when I think of him. It's funny how memories just pop up these days. Mostly they are just warm feelings of times we spent together.

As much as I would love to get on a plane and go home, I know that won't make it better, or change anything. I'm going to enjoy every moment I have here and now, because that's what living should be about. I came here to discover and create myself, and everything good or bad that happens helps me do that. I feel better today, a lot better, and I'm slowly rising back up, and breathing easily again. I'm not going to keep hiding out in my apartment, and avoiding people. I have to keep moving on, and being joyous and thankful.

I booked everything for Hong Kong, Jeju, and Tokyo, making three dreams come true, and cultivating many more. I want to be a traveler for life. My heart is very thankful these days for a lot of things. That heaviness is slipping away. I'm glad I am here, I wouldn't change it. I'm making my dreams come true, and I know he's proud of me. I'm going to believe that, and keep pressing forward.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

I just finished booking my lodgings for Jeju Island. I decided to stop procastinating last night and booked my tickets for Hong Kong, and a hostel. This was my first time using hostelworld.com so I hope everything works out and I have a great experience. But why am I NOT excited to finally have gotten everything done and in 2 weeks I will be on my way to a hopefully amazing adventure. I'm so strung out right now from the frustration of planning a trip. Seriously, it is not easy you have to find the best deal, you have to figure out where to stay, I still don't know what I'm going to do there so I need to buckle down and plan it flexibly. It's just not fun doing the planning. I'm waiting on tickets to Tokyo for September, I really hope the seat becomes available on my return flight. I won't get to spend my birthday in Tokyo, but I am for sure going there for Chuseok. That's a dream I'm going to grab onto and make happen. So HK (8/12-8/21), Jeju (8/22-8/26). I'm really doing this, I'm proud of me for trying, and I'm looking forward to it.

Last night I tried to book my flight to HK on Cathay Pacific, and no matter how many times I tried they kept rejecting my Korean and American cards. I called and got the run around and hours later I still didn't have a ticket and the flight I wanted was full. I literally wanted to say screw this and just go somewhere else. I started around 8 last nigt and I didn't go to sleep till around 3AM. It's 9:11 AM and I am so groggy but I wanted to finish this up. I was using my card and hostelworld and then it stopped working when I tried to book for Jeju. I woke up this morning to an email from my bank and fraudulent transactions. Lol...I cleared that up and was able to book my trip to Jeju. Everything is booked but why do I feel so nervous, anxious, and not at all excited to do this.

I'm such a baby. I know, but I'm trying to be brave and make my dreams and adventures come true one step at a time. I'm proud of myself for where I am and proud of myself for where I am going. I'm doing it on my own and even though I get scared I still perservere. Like Mandela said, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man (I'll add woman since we should be included) is not he (she) who does not feel afraid, but he (she) who conquers that fear." That is what I am trying to do by being here and traveling to other places. Conquering my fears and building up my courage over and over with every new experience I have, every fear I overcome. I'm doing it, even when I am trembling and feel sick to my stomach I am doing this. I just need to pat myself on the back and not get caught up in my own fears.

I'm feeling better. I'm not okay, but I am feeling better, stronger, calmer, and I am going to do my best to be thankful for him, and not let my sadness overwhelm me anymore. I got back from school on Friday, and collapsed onto my bed and didn't get up for the rest of the day. As day faded into night I cried, I cried so much that day. Everything I had been holding back all week came out, my sadness, my anger, my confusion, my...everything. I  let it all out that day, and I woke up yesterday feeling refreshed. I called my sister, and I poured my heart out to her, and being the person she is she gave it to me straight. I though she was cold, but her honesty and love for me really broke through my sadness. Basically she said you have to accept that he's dead, but that doesn't mean the love you have for him or the love he had for you is gone. You just have to be thankful, to not let the sadness you feel consume you. He wouldn't have wanted that. You can't keep pretending he's still here, he's gone and that's the truth. At first I was angry with her, I wanted comfort and she was giving me a lecture, but it was exactly what I needed and I knew it later on that she was right. I started to accept that he's really dead, and that my life still goes on.

I called my mom on Saturday, I hadn't called her all week because I didn't want my sadness to make her sadder. I can't describe the feeling my mom gives me, it's such a soothing comfort talking to her, hearing her voice, knowing how much she loves me. I am so thankful for my mother, and I pray I get a lot of time to show her how much I love her. You hear me God?! We talked about him, she got my letter to read at his wake/funeral which was changed till this coming Friday since so many people are coming from Nigeria, London, all over to be there. My heart is home, but I have responsibilities here and I know Big Daddy is smiling down on me and so I'll get through this sadness. I'll laugh, smile...I'll live brightly because that is what he wanted. I'm thankful for the past 10 years, and everything he gave me and taught me will still be here within me. On my wedding day in the far far future I'll feel his presence, I know it. So I won't cry too much, I won't keep myself locked in my apartment anymore. I'm going to let you go, and I'll miss you, but I know you'll always be a part of me. Thanks for being my dad, I love you forever and always Big Daddy:)!!!

I'm going to live thankfully, and just keep moving forward and reaching for my dreams like he always believed I could. I've got a lot of things I want to do, so I'm going to try my best to achieve them one at a time, one day at a time. I'm going to triumph over my fears one challege at a time. Cheer me on, support me, encourage me, and lets see what adventures lie ahead...

Thanks for all the love, it's made my heart lighter:)

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~