Lola O.
You ask yourself there’s got to be something else
Something more, more, more
Well let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you
Feel like there’s nothing nowhere to go
You try and fight but you can’t let go
Roll the pain, got so much to gain
Now is the time
Laura Izibor "Shine"

 Last Friday, I went to my friend's place for a Game Night, I haven't done that since college but it was a really good time. I needed that. The laughter, the silliness, the people. It was a good end to a semi-exhausting week.

Then on Saturday I had a little freak out about my life, my future, and what the heck I'm doing about all of it. It all started when I read this...okay I've been having these thoughts ever since I decided I am for sure renewing for a second year in Seoul. After making that decision, I've been freaking out a lot about it, about being away for another year, about delaying grad school or whatever I'm going to do as a career. I always wanted to stay for 2 years, and I'm going to but I'm still freaked out. Dollop Of Solipsism was asking the same questions I've been asking myself about what comes next after Seoul. I have another year to think things over, figure out where I want to be, want to do, and so on. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm wasting time by staying another year. An honest question. I don't believe I am. I'm not ready to go to grad school, or to decide what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I don't want to live that kind of 9-5 life yet. Especially when I'm still figuring out what I want to do as far as work goes. I enjoy my life here. I want to travel some more. I'm happy with my life right now. So I ask myself if that's okay? If living like this is really okay? It's not that I need permission to live my life the way I want, but sometimes it feels...I feel like I do.

So I freaked out Saturday night, and I just told myself I'll go to sleep and deal with everything in the morning. I finally went to sleep after spending an hour or two looking into careers I'm interested in. After sleeping on things, I woke up without any new clarity just some peace of mind. I'm okay, and I won't be an utter failure or spend my life wandering and never making a difference, never having a purpose, never making my dreams/golas come true. I just have to give myself time to figure things out, and while I have this time to wander, explore, and discover I can look into things, talk to people, and come to a decision when I'm ready. I think I really need to have a conversation with my mom about all of this, but I don't want to do it over the phone. My mom's opinion really matters to me, and I feel like she isn't okay with my decisions and that makes me doubt myself. I know we won't always agree, but I need her to believe that I'm doing well, and to trust that I'm making the right decision for me, for my happiness and peace of mind. This is a face to face conversation that has to wait till my winter vacation. I really want to sit down and talk to her about everything, and have her blessing and support. For her to be okay with me staying another year, not going to law school, and just changing from the daughter she always knew. I spent the rest of the weekend in seclusion in my partment because I needed time to sort myself out, and just breathe.

People are always saying to me that I'm only 23, I have plenty of time. I don't agree or believe that. I don't want to waste time. I don't want to avoid things. I don't want to live carelessly. I know that I will have to apply to grad schools and so on during my second year, which freaks me out, but I'm going to cross that bridge after crossing the ones before it. I've never lived thinking I have endless amount of time to do whatever I want. Time ends for all of us, and before mine is up I want to know that I've used it to help people, to help our youth; to inspire, comfort, understand, and aid them. Which is why I'm thinking towards counseling specifically guidance couseling, but then I wonder does that really allow me to make a difference? Am I really going to be in a position to help students/youth? many things to consider. I know what I want to do, but not how to do it or go about it. My sister and I talked a bit about all of this the other day, and it was good to get it all out. The thing is my sister always supports me in whatever I do, so she is kind of biased as far as advice goes. I'm going to talk to a few other people and ask them what they think, but at the end of the day the determining factor is what I think, feel, want, and need to be happy and feel successful in my life.

Enough of that, this week has been a really fantastic week at school. We've made it a Halloween week for all the grades we teach. Nothing but fun, fun, fun for all the kids and they've been loving it. I've scared the crap out of them each class sneaking up on them and spooking them. Some kids even fell to the floor in fear. They've been trying to scare me but it hasn't worked yet. I'm just happy they are so happy and having a good time. We had students become mummies, did mummy tag, made trick or treat baskets, did halloween worksheets, watched videos/ songs, and gave out so much candy. Some students even wore costumes they made for extra candy. I'm not big on Halloween, but from a kid's perspective I think it's a great time for their imaginations to go wild and for them to be carefree, and of course eat loads of candy. I felt like a kid again this week, the laughter, freedom, and high of youth. We are planning to do a Christmas Week for the kids too.

The weather has been sooooo cold this week, and I hope it doesn't stay like this. I want my Fall to stay for awhile before Winter comes and makes me miserable. I haven't used the ondol in my apartment yet. I'm trying to hold out until it gets really cold, but I am tempted to start using it. Especially when my feet are freezing from the wood floors even with two pairs of socks on. Are you already using yours?

Today, I had two of my 5th grade classes canceled which is a nice break for me, but I feel bad that they will miss out on Halloween till next Tuesday. On my way to school this morning I was carrying a large bag filled with candy, and one of the teachers just drove past me, picked up another teacher, and went on her way to school. She knows me, and it's not like she doesn't see me walking, but everytime she always keeps going, and only stops for other teachers. It kind of grates on my nerves, especially today when I had so much candy to carry up the steep hill. I don't understand her, but yeah it bugs me that she will pick up a teacher walking 10 feet ahead of me, but never me. Whatever.

I'm really happy today because I got my VIP ticket to the YG Family Concert last night. You have to buy the ticket on Gmarket, and everything is in Korean, but I know enough to figure out how to purchase a ticket. The site went down for almost an hour after it opened at 8 because everyone including me was sitting at their computer trying to get a good VIP seat. It was worth it, because I've got a good seat to see Taeyang, 2NE1, Se7en, Gummy, PSY. and hopefully Big Bang will have some new songs by then. I'm so excited since I couldn't  go to Taeyang's Solar concert last month. I like all of YG's artists so this should be a really good time. Haha...I plan to go to as many concerts as I can while I'm in Seoul because once I leave my chances to see them perform live are slim to none. I have to wait till December 4th, but now I have an early Christmas present to look forward to:)!!!

This weekend, my friend is having a scary movie night tonight. I don't like scary movies, so my eyes will  probably be covered during the goreathon, but it will be a good time with friends. Besides that I don't know what the weekend will hold. I need to take care of a few things, maybe do some winter shopping, and try to go somewhere I've never been yet.

It's hard to live in the now, when you are so aware of the future. So I still have to figure out "what comes next" for me. For now, it's another year in Seoul. After that, it gets blurry...

Okay, if you have not seen this video you need to stop whatever you are doing and watch it.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!!
FYI Yeoungdongpo Costco has Pumpkin pie, and it is D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S....^____^

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~
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