I feel like I cannot breathe today. Over the weekend I found at that my dear grandma was in the hospital. Her condition is pretty serious, but thankfull now she is stable. I don't know when it happened, I got back from the World Cup event on Fridaymy sister just left me a cryptic message saying to call her. Which already sent me into panic mode, thinking something happened to my mother. I called her and she told me it was my grandma that she was in the hospital, something about her heart, my sister was sleeping so she wasn't really clear on the details. Extremely frustrated I tried to reach my mother, but with the time difference I couldn't get through to her or anyone. So there I was sitting in my apartment, completely frazzled, no way to contact my family, no information. Just worried and anxious, and miserable. At that moment I felt so powerless. Even now I feel powerless.

Anyone that knows me, knows my family is my everything. Not being there right now, even though I can't do anything is really eating me up. Even though I'm not a doctor, just being there to hold her hand, and give her words of encouragement would mean a lot to her and me. I was able to get through to my mother on Saturday and got the details. All I can say is thank God my mother was home, is a nurse, and took her to the emergency room. Thank God for not taking my grandma away from me. I tried to call the hospital all day on Sunday and kept getting the run around, and then they told me that after 9PM the phones are disconnected so there was no way I would be able to get through to my grandma's room. I waited till midnight on Sunday which is 7AM in AZ and finally was able to talk to my grandma briefly. I just needed to hear her voice, if I could speak to her then I could calm down and feel like everything is going to be okay.

The thing is that even though I spoke to her, I don't feel calmer. I don't really know what is the true situation besides what bits I get when I can get through to home. It is so frustrating being somewhere else when all kinds of drama is raining down on my family. My mom didn't even want to tell me, which just makes me even madder. I couldn't sleep last night just praying and thinking about my grandma. I didn't want anyone around me when I am like this, so I didn't reach out to my friends. I can't talk or pretend I'm okay when I'm not. So it was better to just be by myself. I cannot imagine my grandma leaving us anytime soon. She's the only grandparent I've known. She's taught me so much about my culture, about true strength, about being a good human being. I love her, and she can't leave us, not until she can see us all doing well. Not until she can leave with peace of mind and heart.

This isn't the first time she's been in the hospital in the last year or so and I am just so worried about not being there. My mind is so fuzzy and cloudy right now. I'm trying to get through my classes and keep myself busy, but my mind just keeps going to my precious grandma, and then I feel this weight on me. I should be there, next to her in the hospital. I should be there encouraging my mom. I've always been there, and now I'm not. So I feel miserable and guilty, and I just can't breathe. I'm not okay. My mom's been through so much, and she's already lost one parent. I'm worried about her, just as much as my grandma. She's trying to be all everything is fine, but I know she doesn't want me to worry or stress and make myself sick. I'm trying not to but I just feel useless. I'm so far away. I'm so far away. I'm so far away. Not being there is what's bothering me. My family is my life, and I just cannot handle this kind of stuff especially when I'm not there.

I know my grandma knows how much I love her, but I still want more time to show her that love. So God won't you keep her for me? Won't you protect her for me? I'm so far away, and I need you too take care of those back home for me? Please, let her stay stable, let her be able to leave the hospital soon, and most importantly let her make a full recovery. We all still need her, especially my mom. She still needs to go back home to Nigeria and see her other children and grandchildren, to rest peacefully. So won't you be her personal bodyguard for me?

I need you to do that, so I can breathe again.

I'm not very good about voicing my worries, so writing has become my brand of therapy. I needed to write this out, because my mind was going into overload today at school. Getting these thoughts out is making me feel a little less blue today. Four hours till I can go home. I have to wait till at least midnight to be able to call and check up on her though.