Lola O.
One days when I need a pick me up I wear red. It makes me feel energized, powerful, and ready to take on the day. Today is one of those days. I wore red converses to school, a red watch, and a red scarf. It makes me feel better/stronger and that is what I need right now. This week has been stressful for so many reasons. My grandma, having another open class on Friday, the sudden insaneness of lesson planning for my after school program, and English camp, the crappy weather, and the pangs of homesickness.

I woke up this morning on my couch. The last thing I remember was laying down there around 8PM telling myself I would get up in a little bit and eat dinner. Yeah, I woke up this morning with barely enough time to make it to school. Sleeping has always been my coping mechanism for stress. It's the most peaceful way to unwind, but it gets in the way of productivity. I've been mentally exhausted all week and I am just telling myself to hang in there till Friday. I'm really thankful for my students this week, they've been the least stressful part of my days so far. They've made me laugh and get out of my funk at least during school hours.

I was thinking though why am I so stressed? Yes, there are things happening that are out of my control, but I can choose how to react to it. Made me think about that saying that life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. I can't say I'm great, or that I even feel okay, but I know I will make it through. I'm going to choose to be positive and belief that everything will work out. I'm going to choose to be positive and trust in my Grandma to pull through and make a full recovery. She's still in the hospital for now. I'm going to choose to do my best as a teacher and not let all the craziness get to me. I'm going to choose to take a step back, and breathe. Just breathe in and out, and believe that when its time all the pieces will fall into place. I'm going to choose to smile, laugh, believe, and just be positive because the alternative isn't going to help me. If I think about everything too much then I just start to feel sick, and I know that me getting sick from worrying isn't going to help anyone.

I was talking to my Aunt about how I feel bad for not being there for so many reasons. Wondering if I was there to help take care of my cousins, and things at home if this wouldn't have happened. My Aunt said to me that I also have my own life to live. My grandma and I are a lot of like, we want to take care of everyone and everything we love. We put them before ourselves, because we feel secondary to them. I just want her to focus on herself, on her health, on living for many many more years. So that she can see all of us living well. She is the only grandparent I've had the privilege of knowing. It's nice being someone's grand daughter and having that special relationship. She's taught me a lot about patience, love, and family. We would sit around the dining table and just talk, she always treats me like I am an adult and it's wonderful hearing her stories. It's something between us two, that I love having. I'm worried about my mom and what she must be feeling/ going through right now. I wish I could give her a big hug, and just be there supporting her. I've always been that way. When people I love are in pain, I'm in pain too. Like a sponge soaking up their feelings, wishing I could carry their burdens..

I'm not going to give in to sad thoughts or negativity. My grandma and mom have always taught me to be strong in the face of trials and that is what I am going to do, for myself and my family. I'm going to be strong, and when I feel weak I won't hold it in anymore. I'll reach out to someone to be strong for me. I'm choosing to believe that God is listening to me and will watch over her for me. Thanks for the words of encouragement and comfort. I know I haven't responded to the comments on my last post but I have read them all. So thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

This is all a part of this journey I am on here. I didn't expect this year away to be easy, but I never imagined how hard it would be at times. It feels like I've been gone a lot longer than almost 4 months. That's the things about time it feels slow one moment and speeds up the next. A lot has happened in the 4 months I''ve been gone, and I know a lot more will happen. I'm just hoping it will be mostly positive things.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~
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