Lola O.
It's 8:47 AM, I've got about half an hour before I have to head to school for the second day of Summer Camp. I'm dreading having to go there, and act like everything is okay. Like I am okay. I haven't had time to absorb or process what has happened and I am so mentally exhausted right now. I feel heavy, I feel like if someone poked me even just a little bit I would fall over and not get back up. I would just sink, into what I don't know. I just need time, I need time to cry, remember him, and come to terms with what happened. I just can't fathom that this is for real. I walk around in a daze and sometimes I remember he's gone and I just cry because it is so unthinkable to me that he isn't alive. I just cannot believe it.

I woke up yesterday, and decided to wear black. If I can't go home and mourn my loss with the people who loved him like I did, then I will mourn him in my own way here. The idea of wearing something with color makes me feel like I am going to throw up so I've been wearing black, and I will wear it till Sunday after his funeral which is Saturday AZ time. I cannot believe I will not be there to say farewell to the man who has loved me like his own for the past 10 years. I feel so alone right now. I gave my brother a letter, so hopefully it will be read there in place of me. I am thankful for my friends here who have embraced me, but it's not the same. They didn't know him, they didn't love him, no one here understands the sadness I feel right now. It's like someone took a knife and stabbed me in my heart. It is so painful that sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.

I can't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I just think of him more, of how his voice sounded. The memory that sticks out the most is when I was sick and in the hospital last August. He was one of the first people there. I remember him at my side holding my hand, and whiping away all the tears from my face. Telling me it will be okay, I'll be okay, that I just need to rest. I remember the comfort he gave me, and it hurts that I wasn't there to do the same. I just keep thinking about all the nevers. All the things he'll never see me achieve or be a part of of. I cry when I think about him not being there when I get married. He's the person who would ahve been at my side along with my mom walking me down the aisle. I'm just so sad, and I don't know how my heart can take all the sadness I feel right now.

I need my mom. I lay in bed and think about being home and laying down in her bed and having her hold me, and then I open my eyes and it's just me here alone. Mourning someone you love by yourself is so depressing and sad. Everyone who loved him is back home getting through this together, me I'm here and I don't have anyone to cry with or remember him with.

Yesterday, I got out of school and I rode the bus home but when it got to my stop I didn't get off. I just wasn't ready to go home, but I didn't have a place I wanted to go to so I stayed on the bus. 3O minutes became 1 hour, 1 hour became 2 hours. I finally got off not knowing where I was just dazed, and I knew I was thirsty so I saw a family mart and got something to drink. Then I took the bus back home, falling asleep on the way, when I finally got home I fell asleep on the couch woke up around midnight and went to sleep on my bed. I slept and slept but why am I so tired. I just feel numb and heavy. I just miss him, and feel like I'm going to forget him.

At this moment I miss home, I miss my mom, I miss what I know. I miss my people. I miss him.
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1 Response
  1. Feeling homesick to this degree is tough. But remember it is not like you are on another planet. You still sharing the here and now with them in your heart.

    When you return home it will be a great feeling. For now call and do what you can to feel connected. Also, I know you probably want to do it lighlty, hang out with some friends. Keeping your mind on other people's business would help take a load off of yours.