Lola O.
Today I woke up at 8:33 AM. I'm supposed to be at school at 8:40 AM. I texted my co-teacher I'd be in by 9:00 AM. I got in at 9:05 AM. On the way to school, I was feeling so frustrated and stressed for not waking up in time, and berating myself for not having an alarm clock. Then this baby smiled at me, and made me realize that life goes on. Things happen but we can still smile, laugh, cry, we can still live. I  got to school and sat down trying to get myself together. I didn't get a chance to eat my yogurt, because I left my spoon at home. I turned on my computer to upload a file from my co-teacher. I decided to check my facebook.

My cousin's status was saying something about how we'd miss you daddy, but we know you are in a better place. I was freaked out by it, and commented on whether something had happened afraid to see what in my heart I already figured out. I saw she was online, but I was too afraid to ask her, because I didn't want it to be true. I was already crying before I finally messaged her and asked if what I was thinking was true, and she told me that yes, her father had died the day before. I couldn't believe it, and I couldn't stop the tears that followed. I asked her how, when, because this was so sudden and unexpected, and just not fair. She told me what happened, and I just feel so numb now. With my tears running down my face I told my co-teacher I had to leave now, and she took me down to the principal to take the day off for sick leave. She was telling me to calm down, and that made me mad. How could I calm down?

I told her I just needed to call my mom, and that I would see her tomorrow for summer camp. I couldn't stop crying as I walked down to the bus stop, and I cried on the bus, a Korean song called "Like Being Hit By A Bullet" in English came on which was so ironic that it made me cry even more, and I cried as I walked to my apartment. I shakingly got on skype to call my mom, I just needed to hear it from her, I needed to talk to her, I just needed my mom. She didn't pick up. I dialed again, voicemail again. So I called the next best person, my sister. She didn't pick up. I called again, she didn't pick up. Finally on the third try she picked up and then told me she needed me to call her back in 15 minutes. I thought to myself that she must be crazy, and screamed at her doesn't she know what happened? She said what happened, and I told her Big Daddy is dead, as I cried unable to hold back. She tried to calm me down, and tell me to breathe, but how can I breathe when someone just stabbed me in my heart?

She just kept saying I'm so sorry, and I told her why is she saying she is sorry to me, when she also lost him. She said to me, because you were closer to him. She tried to make me feel better, but right now I just feel numb and funny inside. Wishing this was a lie, but knowing it is clearly the truth. She told me to write, and I wanted to fight that, but I know I need to write so that I can breathe again. So that I can think again. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with someone I love not existing anymore. I'm scared of death, and even though I know and believe he is in a better place that doesn't mean I don't miss him or that I don't want him back here with me. I didn't even get to say goodbye. No one even told me he was sick. No one told me anything. I feel so guilty for not calling him since I've been here. Like a fool I always expected him to be around. How foolish I was, and now I'll live with that regret.

I didn't even take a moment to call him and tell him how I'm doing and I will forever regret my carelessness. I didn't get to say goodbye, or tell him how much I love him, or tell him that he's been a father to me from the moment I met him when I was 12. I didn't get to tell him, that I love him sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I know he knew but I wish I had been able to tell him one last time how much he meant to me. God, I really took him for granted thinking he'd be around forever, my magnanimous Big Daddy, who towered over me with his height. I really took him for granted and now he is gone and I just don't know what to do, think, or feel. I want to cry, but the tears won't flow. I want to sleep, but I'm scared to close my eyes. I want to fly back home, but I know I can't, and I know he wouldn't have wanted me to. My cousin said I know what I need to do to say goodbye, but the thing is that I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to let him go. He's been a father to me for the past 10 years of my life. He's treated me like his own daughter, and I am going to miss his hug and his love, and our talks. I'm going to miss his wisdom, his smiling face and gray hairs with those glasses he always wears. I'm going to miss having him there when I come back home. I'm just going to miss everything, and I don't know how to let him go.

My father hasn't been around since I was 7, and in the years since then he's been in and out, but he's never been a real father to me. When I was 12 years old we moved to Arizona and that is when I met Mr. Oludiji aka my precious and wonderful Big Daddy. He became a father to me from the moment I met him. He's been a soothing and constant presence in my life ever since, and I took him/that for granted. God, I hope he knew how much I loved him. I hope he knew how important he was in shaping the person I am now. I hope he knew how much he meant to me. I hope he knew... I used to say to him, that if he had has a son I would have married him if he was just like you. Big Daddy was everything a father should be, everything a good man should be. He was so gentle and caring, and I just loved being around him. I loved being hugged by him. I loved our chats. I'd come to his house, and we would just sit there and talk about life, God, dreams, and everything. I could always talk to him, he showed me what it meant to have a father and now he is gone. He's been there for every important moment since I was 12, he was there for my high school annd college graduations, and has supported me the whole time. He'd come to our house to dissolve arguments, he'd just be there for us in everyway and now he's gone.

I remember the last time I saw him, it was a few days before I left for Korea. I went to his house to say my goodbyes. When everyone was doubting me coming to Korea, he always believed in me and supported my dream of coming here. We sat around the big island in the kitchen and talked about Korea, and my worries and hopes. I remember him telling me not to worry, to trust that everything would be okay, and to focus on living my own life, and following my dreams. I remember him smiling, and I remember thinking how old he was getting, but he was still that same wise man. That same soothing voice of reason in my life. I hugged him tightly, and told him I'd see him when I get back, and now I won't get to see him, and that hurts. That hurts.

I'm not ready to say goodbye Big Daddy, not like this, not this way, not when I'm not home or there to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you. I know you know, but how I wish I got to tell you one last time. My sister said for me to pray, and so I will write my prayer down here to remember you.

Dear Big Daddy,

I love you. I love you the way a daughter loves her father. I love you for taking me as your own and loving me like I was yours. I love you, I love you, I love you beyond those three words. I'm so sad right now, and I know you wouldn't want me to cry, but you know I've always been the emotional one. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring enough to teach me, and give me pieces of your wisdom over the past ten years of my life. There are no words that I can say or write that will convey the meaning of you to me. I just hope that up there in heaven you look down on me, and can see the place you have in my heart. I know you'll keep watching over me as you have done for the last ten years of my life. I know that you are resting in heavenly peace because no one deserves it like you do. I know you are smiling down on all of us, and will be our gaurdian angel. I'm sad, but I'm going to keep smiling, and living out my dreams because that is what you would have wanted me to do.

I love you dad, I love you so much. Thank you for being the father I always wanted and needed. Thank you so much for all the love and care you've shown me. I just hope that you know how much I love you. I hope that you knew how much you mean to me. I didn't get to hug or kiss you, or tell you I love you one last time, but I know you knew even without me being there. Don't worry about me, I'll keep working hard. I'll keep living well, and I'll make sure I don't stress like you told me to. I'll remember all of your wisdom, and I won't let you down. Thank you from every part of me for being in my life. I love you my dearest Big Daddy. Keep looking out for me from way up there. I know your hand will keep guiding me, and your voice will keep soothing me for all my life. I love you, I love you, I love you. I don't want to think of this as goodbye, so I'll just say see you later Big Daddy!

With every love,
Your daughter...
1 Response
  1. Hope you feel better ~