Lola O.
Happy Friday lovely readers:)!!!! I am super happy this week is over. It's been long, hectic...and blah blah blah. I'm feeling a lot better today.

I finished my second open class of the semester about an hour ago and I am hoping that it will the the last one until school starts back up at the end of August. I can't really say if it went well or not, but I was surprised to see the P and VP there. I thought it was just going to be the 6th grade teachers. Oh well, it's over and my co-teacher and I are going to watch SATC2 and grab some Italian to celebrate. We both need some fun, and this will be the first time we're hanging out together outside of school.

Yesterday, I got out of school and I was riding the bus back home and thinking to myself why am I letting all this negativity take over me. I don't like being or feeling negative. I try my best to take things in stride and be positive but like every human being I have my dark days. I decided I needed some "fresh air" (something that doesn't seem to exist in Seoul..hehe) and walked to meet my friend for dinner. That's what I do when I feel like I am seconds away from either screaming or crying. I get up, put on my sneakers, grab my Ipod, and walk. Sometimes I have a destination and other times I stumble upon one. Thirty minutes and gallons of sweat later I'm feeling lighter and more clear-headed.

There is this path I take to get to where I need to go. It's this brick path that is shaded by trees on both sides. For me, I find it a really peaceful place. It's like the trees are sheltering me and giving me space to breathe at the same time. It made me smile all the way to my core. We had seoullentang (beef bone soup) for dinner, and went to this really pretty cafe for some patbingsu. I enjoyed both but the seoullentang stood out, because like juk it feels/tastes like a comfort food.

After a nice dinner and some good conversation I headed home. I originally planned on taking the bus back home, and headed to the bus stop. For some reason, I stopped, turned around, and started walking back to my apartment. I guess I knew that I still needed some time to just be. I arrived home a sweaty mess, turned on the fan, and collapsed on the couch. I woke up around three, moved to my bed, and passed out again till my alarm yanked me out of dreamland. (I was having a super weird dream take took place on a deserted Island and it featured two of my friends from back home and Taylor Lautner ( I don't even like him : ( !) was mix between Survivor and Lost...random and weird)!!

I got through this Friday. My 5th graders were a bit insane today but we managed to get it together for open class. My friend posted this on facebook which was nice treat and made my giggle and smile. However, the best part of my day was when one of my students walked in with a postcard for me. I don't really get mail at school so I thought at first it was for my co-teacher, I went through this second of smiling when I saw her walking, frowning thinking it was for my co-teacher, and going back to smiling seeing that it said The University of Arizona and was for me. (Thank you Indu for making my day ten times better).

So this brings me to the title of this post "Comfort," there is nothing like those things, people, places, and moments that make you feel comfortable down to your soul.  I think for a lot of us it's hard to let ourselves be comforted as oppsed to giving comfort. I realized as I walked home yesterday that I needed some comfort. I needed someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I needed someone to cheer me on, and just listen even if I don't end up speaking one word. Sometimes though, we need to be the person doing the comforting. It's not always another person we need. Yesterday I comforted myself, and did that inner cheering. "You can do this!!" "Hold your head up, and stop frowning!" Like my mother always says, "It is well with my soul." I needed to get myself out of my funk. My friend and I were talking over dinner about how life is a journey, and as we talked I was thinking about how sometimes on our journey we have to stop and take a rest before we can continue. We need a moment to collect ourselves, recharge our batteries, and renew our reasons to keep going down that road or to travel down a new one. Yesterday was all about me doing just that. Recollecting myself, picking up the pieces that had fallen out, taking a moment to breathe, giving myself time to breakdown and reform once again.

So back today...
As I was reading her postcard I was smiling ,and my co-teacher commented on how happy I look. It's not that I am starved for sweetness, but I relish knowing that someone took some time out of their life/day to write me a postcard and mail it my way. I've appreciated every one I've received so far from back home. It makes me feel like I'm remembered, and it just feels like a piece of home came to Seoul to stay with me. I miss my friends, the people who have known me through the good and bad, sticking by my side and loving me period. I miss them, and I know that life goes on whether I am there or not. A bittersweet kind of truth. I'm missing out on those things, but at the same time I am doing things here that I've never done before. Sometimes I wish I could be in two places at once.

I know that when I go back whether for a visit or permanently things won't be the same, I won't be the same, and I wonder sometimes if I'll still have my place there. Change is already here, and I just wonder how much damage it will do in the next 9 months. This past month has definitely been hard on my insides. I've been plagued with homesickness, and just that feeling of belonging somewhere. Which is kind of funny since I always thought I never really belonged back home. It's funny how we have to go away to realize that we might just end up right back where we started. Maybe it is just the familiarity of Arizona and my life there that I am missing.

Knowing and understanding the world around me. I guess things make sense there. I make sense there. Even still, for now I want to try making sense in other places, around other people, and so on. For me home has never been a place, it has always been a feeling of comfort, of security, of belonging. Home for me has always been my mom. She is home foer me, being around her, having her hold me in her arms is home. I can't imagine a life without that home. She's my home, the place I belong, she's where I feel secure, safe, and welcomed. She's my home. She's that center piece that if it didn't exist everything else would crumble. My brother, sister, family, and friends form the outer parts of that entity. My home is where the people I love are and most if not all are back in Arizona. Home is the most comfortable place to be, but the whole point of this journey is to get outside of my comfort and see how I'll do without those people, places, and things that have shaped me till now.

My friend said to me yesterday, that I need to get outside of my head. If only she could tell me how to shut down once in a while.

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Be blessed,
~Lola O.~
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